Dallas @ New Orleans -7
Tony: Apparently SOMEONE went to Miami last weekend and drank 715 adult beverages and forgot to write his weekly National Football League picks. I like how my absence leaves Sax helpless to do anything. Why didn’t you write my picks for me, you bitch? Sax is New Orleans and I am Katrina. Sax is also somehow Jerry Jones. And Dick is Mike Gundy from Oklahoma State. And I am LeBron James. Saints.
Dick: Dallas is a complete mess and going through its usual December tank job. Tony Romo is back to holding kicks for some inexplicable reason and Wade Phillips will be fired unless he wins the Super Bowl. The Saints are not really cruising so much as they are winning games on flukey plays and desperation because the defense is a sieve. Saints win, but by no more than four.
Sax: I don’t understand why teams hold onto guys like Wade Phillips. You KNOW he is a bad coach, but somehow it’s immoral to fire him because he didn’t do QUITE poorly enough last year, so you’ll let him stay one more year because there’s a 5% chance the Cowboys might not fall apart like they do at the end of every season? Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if they fired Phillips and brought in a re-animated Vince Lomardi this weekend, Drew Brees is playing the best football at the quarterback position I have ever seen.
Cleveland @ Kansas City -2
Tony: Let’s see … Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last year and Cleveland recently beat Pittsburgh. So, Cleveland is scientifically the best team in the NFL. Browns.
Dick: If they were playing for the draft rights to Ndamukong Suh we could expect to see players fumble with purpose, passes crisply thrown to defenders, and defensive backs pretending to trip to guarantee a shot at possibly the best defensive line prospect since Mean Joe Green. But that one belongs to the Rams. Instead, this piece of shit will show why Matt Cassel is really a career backup while Eric Mangini tells everyone his plan to ruin both Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn is working to perfection. Since it’s in Kansas City and they have a decent running back, I’ll take the Chiefs.
Sax: Matt Cassel actually looked really good last year. Then again, Daunte Culpepper looked really good throwing to Randy Moss. So did a 48-year-old Randall Cunningham, who, contrary to the opinion of every black football fan, was not in fact the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Tom Brady was pretty impressive before Moss got to New England, but he was apparently getting fed plays by guys who were stealing the opposing teams’ blitz signals. Ummm… I’m going to punch myself in the face until I forget having that last thought. As for the Bowl of Shit, I’m taking the Chiefs.
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh -2
Tony: What is this, 1998? Green Bay is solid at 9-4 (they finished 11-5 in ’98), but their divisional rival, Minnesota, is a fucking powerhouse (currently 11-2, they finished ’98 at 15-2, and, I don’t know if you heard, but the purple penises scored some points that year). Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is 6-7 and getting worse. They finished 7-9 in 1998 after losing their five final regular season games. Green Bay played at Pittsburgh on November 9, 1998, and Pittsburgh won 27-20. So, there you go. Boom. I should be a fucking sports writer. Steelers.
Dick: Oh, Pittsburgh, this has to be tough because you’ve lost to the Bengals twice and the Browns at home. Now, you’re going to lose to the Packers at home by way more than two points because your best players are hurt, your team has collapsed, and the Packers are gelling. This is going to get ugly fast. Packers by at least a touchdown.
Sax: I don’t trust Aaron Rodgers, and I can’t help but thinking the Steelers have a little something left in the tank, but these feelings are based on nothing, and every rational part of my brain is telling me to pick the Packers. Then again, I am a fucking idiot and getting my ass handed to me every goddamn week. I’m still taking the Packers.
Cincinnati @ San Diego -6.5
Tony: Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry. I choose to believe that Cincy goes into this game fully ready to throw San Diego from the back of their pickup truck. I also choose to believe that this is the week San Diego’s luck runs out. Ochocinco is going to catch touchdown passes so hard they are each going to count for 12 points. Also, nobody likes San Diego including San Diego. Bangles.
Dick: The Bengals are going to come into the game bound and determined to win one for their emotionally unstable dead teammate. Usually, slapping a commemorative number on the back of the helmet inspires grown children Garanimal uniforms to victory, but in this case it has nothing on Phillip Rivers’ personal relationship with Jesus Christ who has let him know that while Chris Henry is in His arms, the game will belong to the Chargers. Chargers cover.
Sax: These are two teams moving in opposite directions. All of a sudden, those wins over the Steelers don’t look so impressive for Ochocinco and company, and the Chargers are marching through the league like Sherman on his way to the sea. I know the Bengals will all be pumped up by the memory of their teammate who in no way bears any responsibility for his death after jumping onto a moving pickup truck as the mother of his children fled from him, but it doesn’t matter. Chargers.
1. Tony (29-22) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (26-25) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (22-29) (1-3 last week)