L.Ron Mexico caught up with Chief of Police Thomas Jackson to grill him on some of the tactics he has implemented after the Michael Brown shooting.  

L. RON MEXICO: I think the first thing I want to ask you is, knowing the entire world is looking at you, how can you still fire rubber bullets into peaceful protesters and assault journalists without provocation?

THOMAS JACKSON: Well my warrior-cops are mostly insecure, frustrated failuremen who love to work out their aggression on people they can’t empathize with. Secondly, the more this thing escalates, the more cool paramilitary equipment we get to stick our micro dicks in next year. You think the police budget is getting cut after this? Fuck, I wouldn’t be surprised if they give us a few tanks in 2015.

Pictured above: Chief Jackson Not pictured: His tiny penis stuffed into a laser powered scope
Pictured above: Chief Jackson
Not pictured: His tiny penis stuffed into a laser powered scope

RM: But aren’t you worried that all this exposure can hurt your cause?

TJ: The only thing that can really hurt our cause is legislation, and let’s face it. That’s not happening. White people are the majority, and they’re not going to make any financial cuts to defense, police, or homeland security. They’re too scared. They might shed some Twitter tears because officer Wilson shot an unarmed teen in the street, but all we have to do is release a picture of that murdered kid in some ‘urban attire’ and maybe show a video of some idiots looting a 7/11and the public is right back on our side. Hey, it didn’t hurt that the kid bodega-bullied away all his housewife sympathy when he punked that small, small businessman for blunt papers.

RM: So you are using racism to your advantage?

TJ: This is hardly a new tactic. As long as poor whites are scared of poor blacks, then we’ll continue to have all of the power we want. There is no amount of protests that can change this. The liberals can have Twitter and Facebook; we have senators, congressmen, judges, and even the fucking President. We will use racism, classism, xenophobia, or whatever we need in order to amass more power.

RM: The President?

TJ: Yes, I know he’s black, and he’s going to say all the right things for social media, but when it comes to expanding homeland security, the military industrial complex, defense spending, warrant-less wiretapping, and the erosion of the fourth amendment, he is one of our biggest allies.

RM: I’m not sure I follow exactly.

TJ: Well, we get to use his terror fighting technology and tactics against people selling dime bags. That alone has helped us lock up many non-violent young people, turning them into cash-cows for the prisions. And you’ve heard of trickle down economics? This is trickle down G.I. Joe accessories. As more money is pumped into defense for new toys, all the old equipment is donated to us here back in the states. Why the hell do you think some town in Iowa gets an MRAP? Sometimes even the federal government gives us grants to purchase this crap from defense contractors. It’s awesome! Problem is, we have to use this money for new gadgets. If we don’t, we might lose it. That’s where the blacks come in. We need a handful of them to bust into a Shoe Carnival every once in a while and make off with the fruit of some sweatshop labor so that we can dress like video game characters and throw flash grenades at internet journalists and community college kids.

RM: How do you know that even a small amount of people will riot or meet violence with violence?

TJ: Well, they kind of have to. They have nothing else. We’ve kept them down for so long, antagonizing them even. We imprison their children for things like smoking weed. We stereotype them as government leeches while one pair of riot goggles costs more than a burger-flipping Medicaid mom makes in a week. When the social ladder has been greased in french fry oil, the most you can hope for is a free pair of Air Max. You’re not going to give a fuck about playing by the rules when it’s clear the rules are meant to reduce you to Eternal Guardian of the Fountain Drinks.

RM: What about lapel cameras on all your officers? Wouldn’t that help deter some of this police brutality?

TJ: (Laughing) Are you kidding?! We can’t afford those! We have to be fiscally responsible while maintaining law and order. It’s a delicate balance. Plus, like I said, it’s all trickle down man. Whenever the soldiers in Afghanistan and the guards in Guantanamo get them, maybe then they will make their way to Missouri. If you want us to start wearing that shit, you better start asking defense contractors to mass produce them. That’s how things get done. And even if we had cameras, nobody is going to care about poor minorities dying in the street…especially ones who steal from convenience stores.

"I have evidence right here, that that kid was a black bully!"
“I have evidence right here that that kid was a black bully!”

RM: Come on Chief, you’re depressing me. Is this some giant authoritarian conspiracy?

TJ: No, not really, it just kind of worked out that way. These are the trends. You have to follow the money. The prison industrial complex, the military industrial complex, the police industrial complex, they all depend on instability. They would fall apart in a harmonized, peaceful world. Even during recessions, when cuts are made to social programs, when unemployment soars, when businesses take a hit, the institutions of death, prison, and security continue to grow anyway. They are insulated and kept afloat because humans are mostly paranoid scumsacs. All of us.

RM: So you seem to hate everyone equally?

TJ: Yes, I wouldn’t consider myself a racist. I know black people are no different than white people, but I can’t have my officers thinking that. I need their racism to overpower any empathetic sentiment they might harbor under that four hundred dollar helmet of theirs. The system works better if they see neighborhoods as war zones and protesters as the enemy. We have some good officers too we can trot out once in a while, but since we push blue brotherhood so fiercely, they’re not really going to stand up to the system.

RM: Speaking of your town and its police force, I clicked on the website and I must say, it was disturbing.


TJ: Hey, I’m not going to sugar coat it. I don’t have to. Our officers are deathly afraid of black people here in Ferguson. What are you going to do about it? Probably nothing. All the internet outrage in the world won’t bring us down. Shit, what the hell is Joseph Kony up to these days? Oh yeah, running around in the jungle with his child army. Get the fuck out of here (laughs). I’m praying Justin Bieber gets arrested this week for pissing in somebody’s mailbox, and everyone will forget all about our little segregated community.

RM: That’s awful, so what’s going to happen to Officer Wilson?

TJ: Well, he’s on paid leave right now, just walking around carefree and alive. It’s kind of funny. We tried to keep his identity quiet by saying it was a “personal safety issue” at the same time we were shooting grannies with rubber bullets and slamming journalist’s heads into windows. In most towns, if you’re wrongfully arrested for stealing a t-shirt, your face is on a mugshot all over the internet, but if you shoot an unarmed kid six times, the police department demands you respect the officer’s privacy and safety by not revealing his name.

RM: Jesus, you’re not even ashamed of this kind of inequality? I mean. Did you see the Ferguson autopsy? 


TJ: Well…no I don’t give a shit how racist we look. How many times to I have to tell you. There is nothing you nor I can do about any of this. I can flaunt these powers all day. A thousand internet carelords can twitter-bitch from now until we get those fucking tanks next year, and nothing substantial will happen. Look, I didn’t draw up this game. I just figured it out sooner than most people.

RM: How far and how long will this kind of injustice go on?

TJ: Well, at least until white people are so vastly outnumbered that we can’t prey on their fear of brown people anymore, but by then the bankers and trans-national corporations will have looted the country of all of its wealth anyway, and the energy companies will have exhausted its resources. Plus, the environment will be in shambles. It’s funny, we are making fifty bucks an hour overtime while shooting at people stealing Doritos and Budweiser, and we call them the looters. You can’t help but see the genius in that. I mean, America is one giant convenience store, and most of the cool shit has already been stolen or shipped off overseas. The last thing left to loot is the tax money, and if we can do that via prisons, defense, police, and homeland security, we will, and we’ll convince all the poor white trash that their standard of living has dipped because of lazy minorities.

RM: This is really depressing. So what keeps people from just giving up? What makes us get out of bed everyday and go to work?

TJ: Well, that good old protestant work ethic…and of course the illusion of the American Dream. People still believe in it. Plus, there are a few really great jobs left in America, like Police Chief. Unfortunately, there are not enough of them to sustain a large middle class. There are just enough to give the illusion of hope, which I guess you voted for twice.




, ,