Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)

• Cold War hysteria or Atomic Age menace ✔ (slight)
• Stock military film footage totally unrelated to the movie (none)
• Men and women dressed to the hilt ✔ (slight-just Liz & T2)
• Beautiful women with big breasts who instantly fall in love with Handsome Men✔ (enhanced)
• Blatant sexism and objectification of Women✔ (moderate)
• A bumbling Professor or Doctor with a plan to save the World ✔ (enhanced)
• Really, really bad monsters or robots in rubber suits or ridiculous, low-budget, clunky gear ✔ (extreme)
• High-ranking, befuddled Military Officers with pointers (none)
• Giant Spiders, Bugs or Lizards that threaten all of civilization✔ (moderate) 
• Cigarette smoking by everyone, except for the Monsters✔ (enhanced)

Special Homoerotic Chuck Norris Award: Steve (Ken Clark) For the best revealed chest hair in any 50’s horror flick. 

This time from the Ruthless Horror Camp we have yet again a common earth critter made huge by the predictable insinuation of a side effect of the coming Atomic Age of the 50’s. The setting is not your usual city scape, or a barren and dystopian planet devastated by invaders. We are in the Florida swamps, with redneck yokels galore.

In this film we have in addition to the usual objectification of women and their protruding tits, the bonus of a very improbable and dysfunctional couple, Dave the shopkeeper and Liz (Tits#1), his young, beautiful and unhappy wife. Dave is quite the cuckold as he is bald, fat and ugly. Liz loathes Dave and has a thing for Cal as he seems to be the only male, other than the Wildlife Sheriff (more on this later), that is more attractive and intelligent than one of the swamp gators. And yes, they are making whoopie at the swamp and are caught by Dave.

Dave forces the amorous couple into the swamp water at gunpoint, where bad things happen. We know this because at the beginning of the movie, one of the locals goes missing in the swamp and his body cannot be found. The town doctor, his daughter Nan (Tits#2 – see image below) and the local Game Warden, Mr. chest-hair Steve get involved to try to determine what happened, all while furiously smoking cigarettes. I mentioned that “bad things happen” in the swamp, as Liz and Cal have also gone missing and are presumed murdered by the jealous Dave.

As this movie sloshes on to its inevitable and boring conclusion, we do get fleeting views of the giant leeches, who certainly qualify as some of the worst movie monsters ever. Meanwhile, The Stupid Chief (Sheriff Kovis), and all the rednecks sit around the pickle barrel smoking and drinking moonshine, trying to figure out what is going on. The doctor and chest hair argue about whether or not to use dynamite to try to raise the bodies while T2 mopes around looking worried and sad. Then after the doc does use dynamite, two of the bodies mysteriously float to the surface and the autopsy reveals a shocking cause of death.

Without spoiling what happened, the only really redeeming feature of this really bad movie, other than Mr. chest hair, was a gloriously clinging wet dress against bare tits shot and a full upskirt panty shot of Liz, when her somehow undead body is pulled from the swamp.

2.0/10.0 With the Goatesians rating of More of the Same

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I learned from Attack of the Giant Leeches:

• This is the only 50’s horror cheese-fest that I can remember where environmental concerns were voiced. Chest hair was worried about the dynamite harming aquatic life. You think?
• If a young, buxom, hot woman married a short, fat, bald and ugly redneck, she will be unhappy and look elsewhere.
• Giant leeches somehow grow arms, legs and eyes
• Roger Corman (Silence of the Lambs) actually made this film