Directed by Jay Roach

Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers

– Mike Myers as pretty much every god damned character except for the midget
РBeyonc̩ Knowles as super hot babe
– Etc.

Jonny wishes he hadn’t seen this with his mother…

There are diamond mines in South Africa. There are coalmines in Pennsylvania. Salt mines in Utah. Apparently, there are crap-mines in Hollywood. Look, I’m not going to kid you. The plot of Austin Powers in Goldmember is stupid. The movie is little more than a framework for celebrity cameos, product placements and piss and shit jokes. Oh, actually, there are probably two-dozen dick jokes. If that’s your bag, baby, you’ll love this movie. Me? I didn’t love it so much. I didn’t hate it either, I think mostly because of all the bright colors but also because of some actual funny moments. Like all the Dutch jokes. Should you go and see it? Keep reading.

It doesn’t matter what I say; the third Austin Powers is going to bulldoze its way to the top of the box office for the next few weeks. So, rather than bother with a review, which would be pointless anyway on account of the fact that the plot of Goldmember is dumber than Heather Graham, I’ll just go ahead and give you a report on each character and how funny they were. Or were not.

Austin Powers (Mike Myers) – Talk about a tired bit. Myers is squeezing the last bit of mileage out of this gag. Shagadelic – yawn – baby, he ain’t. The only really funny parts with Austin were every time he saw #3 and kept yelling, “Mole!” I think maybe they gave Austin one funny line. “She shat on a turtle,” if you’re interested. Remember all the charm Mr. Powers displayed in the first movie? It’s gone. Instead, Myers just walks through this role, choosing instead to save all his energy for the other three characters he plays. Considering that the movie is named Austin Powers, this probably wasn’t such a wise decision.

Dr. Evil (Mike Myers) – Dr. Evil was the best part of the first two Powers movies, and with the exception of Beyoncé Knowles’ torso, is the best part of Goldmember. To me, one of the single greatest comedic lines ever in a movie come from the first Austin Powers movie when Dr. Evil corrects Carrie Fisher by saying, “That’s Dr. Evil. I didn’t go through six years of evil medical school to be called Mr.” In this, the third version, Dr. Evil is still pretty funny. The Georgia penitentiary scene where him and Mini-Me are wearing do-rags and rapping actually produced a few chuckles in me. Dr. Evil turning good at the end? Retarded. Disappointing. Lame.

Goldmember (Mike “Call me Peter Sellers” Myers) – Worst title character ever. He has a gold dick, he eats his own skin, he can kick high and he has a funny accent. I’ve put more thought into what breakfast cereal says “me!” than Myers and his writing buddy Michael McCullers put into Goldmember. Oh yeah, he can kick real high… for some reason.

Fat Bastard (Mike “I’m Canadian” Myers) – Two minutes away from being a one trick pony, Fat Bastard sort of redeems himself by having a plaid sumo loincloth/diaper thing. But then he just tells shit jokes for ten straight minutes.

Foxy Cleopatra (Beyoncé Knowles) – Ladies & gentlemen, Beyoncé Knowles might just be the most attractive woman in the history of our funny little planet. If nothing else, her breasts appear to be perfect. Knowles is so hot in fact that in a scene towards the end where not only is a midget with a gun dressed up as Austin Powers, but a couple of sharks have lasers “strapped to their friggen heads,” all I saw was Knowles. She’s a decent actress, too, although all her character really had to do was say, “You’re busted sugar,” and bat her eyes whenever Austin said or did anything. One thing, though. In real life Ms. Knowles is not quite twenty-one years old yet. On screen, she looks a little younger. When we meet Foxy Cleopatra in Goldmember’s “Club 69,” (Get it?) the year is 1975. Supposedly her and Austin used to, er, date. Austin got cryogenically frozen in 1967. What’s 20 minus 8? Anybody? No wonder half the country is obsessed with raping children. Perhaps I’m nitpicking.

Mini-Me/Mini-Austin (Verne Troyer) – Yeah, that’s right. By the end of the movie Mini-Me has switched sides. Dr. Evil just doesn’t love Mini-Me anymore now that his own son (Seth Green) is trying to get with the program and be Evil. We’re supposed to feel bad for little Mini-Me. I don’t think Mini-Me works as a sympathetic character. To me, Mini-Me is funniest when he is an out of control, half-crazed, slightly retarded misanthrope who keeps trying to eat inappropriate things. In that capacity, he is a constant foil. In Goldmember, Troyer is funny for the first half and then sort of gross yet cute for the end. The scene where he showed Michael Caine his cock was surreally disgusting.

Nigel Powers (Michael Caine) – Anytime a TV show or movie franchise has to introduce never before heard from family members, that TV show of series of films is doomed. This is best exemplified by the brilliant “Poochie” episode of the Simpsons with the introduction of Roy. To further illustrate my point, I hear that Spy Kids II has the grandparents in it. Regardless of how good a job Michael Caine did, his very presence on screen torpedoes the movie. His character was basically unnecessary and the blatant Limey rip-off with the stock footage wasn’t that funny. Apparently, the character of Austin Powers is based on a character Michael Caine portrayed in the early seventies.

Scott Evil (Seth Green) – A fish out of water. Seth Green is one of those creepy Hollywood kids who was given estrogen therapy to ward off puberty so his mother could get an extra BMW by having Seth cash in on his cuteness one last time. Now that he is in his late twenties, squeaky voiced and barely cute, Green’s near total lack of skill and range as an actor is really apparent. They give him one pretty funny line front-loaded at the beginning, but for the rest of the movie Green just sucks it. God, imagine how goofy poor Haley Joel Osment is going to look and sound in a few years…

Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, Steven Speilberg, Danny Devito, Kevin Spacey, Nathan Lane, Britney Spears, Ozzy and Family and John Travolta all make Cameos. Hurray for Hollywood. Speaking of creepy child actors, Fred Savage basically makes a cameo as #3. Robert Wagner’s talents are almost totally wasted.

To summarize, if you like toilet humor and ten-minute Saturday Night Live skits stretched to nearly 120 minutes, Austin Powers in Goldemember is the movie for you. Also, Beyoncé Knowles is a fucking babe and a half. Side note; It seems as if Moms and Dads see nothing wrong with their eight-year-old hearing one man describe a midget’s penis as a, “baby’s arm holding an apple.” Nothing wrong with that at all. I’d say half the crowd in the theater for the 4:45 pm was under 12. Kids are creepy.

Ruthless Ratings:

  • Overall: 3
  • Direction: 3
  • Acting: 5 (Some parts were funny)
  • Story: 2
  • Re-watchability: 5

Special Ruthless Ratings:

  • Number of times you realized that Beyoncé Knowles is hotter than Heather Graham: 17
  • Number of times you realized that Beyoncé Knowles is hotter than Elizabeth Hurley: 16
  • Number of times you realized that Beyoncé Knowles is hotter than Heather Graham going down on Elizabeth Hurley: 298
  • Number of times you found yourself enjoying the movie: 20
  • Number of times you found yourself cringing: 40
  • Percent chance that they’ll make a fourth, even crappier, Austin Powers: 100%