Comfortable and Furious



Starring Bas Rutten and his Car Keys

There are two bits of information that convey the essence of this, one of the great films of our time. First, the cover appears to depict Bas Rutten, holder of multiple world titles in mixed martial arts, pounding on some hapless soul from the “full mount” position. Which, yes, is gayer than it sounds. There are maybe like 120 people in the world that might have any hope of escaping the most dreadful of beatings in this scenario. We might imagine a back-story in which some English soccer hooligan, while visiting Bas’ native the Holland, decides to pick a fight with he first person he brushes against in a bar. Just a horrible, horrible mistake. Like, you walk into a bar and point at the first person you see and announce, “Sir, I will drink you under the table,” and it just happens to be Jan Michael Vincent. Apparently this scenario has played out before, as Bas claims to have been involved in over 200 streetfights, some of them against as many as seven people. So it appears that we are seeing a run of the mill beat down of a grossly over matched opponent. But upon closer inspection, Bas isn’t just pummeling this poor fuck in the face. He’s using his fucking car keys to do it!

I’ve used the our tellestrator to highlight compelling evidence that Bas is a bottomless pit of Ruthlessness, cruelty and sadism. I mean, here you’ve naively stumbled into a brawl with one of the toughest men in the world–literally. He’s bigger, stronger and infinitely more skilled, plus he seems set on really kicking your ass. On top of everything else, the motherfucker’s going plug the keys to his Citroen into your nostrils. I’m not sure that falls under the umbrella of “self-defense” During the course of the video, sure, Bas does show us how to hurt someone with car keys, as well as; chairs, plates, glasses, bottles (don’t try the break the “bottle so that you have a sharp weapon” trick, it doesn’t work. Just smash them over the head with it), salt and pepper shakers, walls, booths, those pointy things where they impale piles of receipts, hot sauce, stools, lamps, a vase and even knives. One of my favorite lines ever comes in this discussion, when Bas suggests that we “smack his head into the ambiance” of a bar or restaurant.

The second thing you need to know, and really the centerpiece and cornerstone of Rutten’s entire system of self defense, is kicking someone in the balls. Enough said.

In many scenarios, Bas presents two different options. Is your assailant some random drunk, who is perhaps not such a bad guy? If so, Bas provides us with techniques to stop him cold. But suppose you really want to fuck this dude up. Maybe he’s pulled a knife on you or or hired a gay, Australian mercenary to kidnap your daughter? In such situations, Bas professes, “I don’t believe in an eye for an eye, I believe in two eyes for an eye.” And asks, “why not give him something to regret, for, oh, the next six months or so?” So, once you gain control of an assailant’s knife, do you drive it into his leg, or his liver? You have his arm locked up. Do you knock him out, or lean back for the Seagal-style joint snap? Bas will show you how to do both.

At the conclusion of the video Bas recounts some street fights from his past. The highlight of his brawling career is the first thing to ever make me think, “Cam Neely is a pussy.” Apparently–and I watched this three times to make sure I didn’t hear it incorrectly–Bas got into a fight with five bouncers in Sweden. Early on, one of the bouncers “picked out” Bas’ eyeball. I take that to mean that Bas’ eye was no longer in his skull. Blah, blah, blah, Bas went on to hospitalize three of the bouncers and spent some time in jail. And both eyes look fine today. Perhaps the true lesson of this video is that you never know whom you’re fucking with; just get down on your knees and pray it is not Bas Rutten.



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