Yeah! So, while writing that one, I discovered that my beloved movie review website also didn’t cover this one. And that is… That’s just not right, you know? It even might be considered somewhat of a crime in movie review land… So, I decided to fix that. With this. This review. Yes.
So, I’m going to give you the story. Alright? I will tell you beforehand, as in right now, that this movie may be directed by Spike Jonze, but it’s written by Charlie Kaufman. Okay? It stars, among others, John Cusack and Cameron Diaz. And Charlie Sheen. Also, John Malkovich. Because, you know. It’s about him. About John. John-boy. My man Johnny. Where’s Jòhnny!? He’s right here, man. Come check it out. Get inside his head. Like, literally.
Because Craig Schwartz (Cusack), an unemployed puppeteer stuck in a bleak marriage with his pet-obsessed wife Lotte (Diaz), takes a filing job on the bizarre 7½th floor of an office building, where he discovers a hidden door that leads into the mind of actor John Malkovich (Malkovich). After fifteen minutes inside Malkovich, visitors are ejected onto the New Jersey Turnpike. Yes. Because, why not? Seeing a business opportunity, Craig and his co-worker Maxine begin selling access to the portal. Two sex scenes follow. They are both in the middle of the film and are essential to the plot. The first scene is clothed but the second is not, I’ll have you know, and displays male butt nudity! Yes, it does! Tragic.
Lotte becomes obsessed with the experience and develops feelings for Maxine, who only reciprocates when Lotte is inside Malkovich. Meanwhile, Craig learns he can control Malkovich like a puppet and uses this ability to win Maxine over. As Malkovich grows suspicious, he discovers the portal himself and briefly enters his own mind, encountering a bizarre world populated only by versions of himself. While in the shower, a circumcised penis is briefly viewed from above. Remember this! It’s important.
Dr. Lester (yes, him!) reveals the portal is part of a long-standing method for achieving immortality by transferring consciousness into a new “host” at age 44, with Malkovich being the next target. Craig, however, takes full control of Malkovich, turning him into a famous puppeteer and marrying Maxine, who becomes pregnant. So is she the one seen, then, in a shirt, post-coital, revealing cleavage, particularly in the last shot of her, where the shirt is clearly parted, revealing lots of cleavage, but no nipples? You just have to find out for yourself, naughty boy.
On Malkovich’s 44th birthday, Lester and his group force Craig out and take over Malkovich’s body. Maxine ultimately chooses Lotte, revealing her child is connected to Lotte through the shared experience inside Malkovich. Years later, the portal shifts to Maxine’s daughter, and Craig, having entered too late, becomes permanently trapped inside her mind, forced to watch Lotte and Maxine live their lives without him, mixed in with a few instances of sexual and anatomy-related speech for good measure.
Yes. And if you think that’s weird, and trippy, and insane, and clever, and highly original, and bizarre, and brilliant, well… you’re probably right. So? What are you still doing here? Go away. Go watch this movie. Right now!
John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich played by John Malkovich
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