My never wavering belief in the bottomless well of human stupidity has been reconfirmed. No, Big Trouble wasn’t that bad. Don’t get me wrong, it stunk. But I’ve seen worse, much, much worse. However, as some of you may or may not remember, THIS MOVIE GOT BANNED IN THE WAKE OF SEPTEMBER 11th!!! I’m not making this up. OK, in all fairness, the release was pushed back about eight months just like that steaming Schwarzenegger pile Collateral Damage, but still! [Ed Note: Apparently, the release of Bad Company was also pushed back. Unfortunately, it was eventually released] I mean, did anybody at the studio or in the Department of Censorship or whoever it was that decided to keep Big Trouble on the shelf really think that some terrorist is going to see this movie and think, “D’oh! Abdullah, what were you thinking? I told you the best way to get an atomic bomb onto an airplane was to pass it through the airport’s x-ray machine!”


Look, Big Trouble is for all intents and purposes a comedy. I had a 102 degree fever and I figured why not? After all, I like Patrick Warburton (He played The Tick). But I’m sorry, you can’t ban a movie because Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville (Yep.) convince an airport security guard that the two hundred pound bomb-like thing in their big metal trunk, which not only has a timer but is counting down from 45:00, is a “garbage disposer” – well, that is no reason at all to ban a movie. It’s bad enough that a very special wine corker of mine got confiscated last time I flew. Why does the fascism have to spread from our physical possessions to what we are allowed to watch? Simply infuriating.

Plus, if the powers that be are really worried about terrorism, then the public should see this movie. Because somehow Tim Allen jumps on the plane, beats up one of the hijackers and then throws the other one and the nuke off the plane. Wouldn’t that be good to watch, especially after September 11th? It’s kind of like how I feel about having to turn my cell phone off while seated on an airplane. Anyone with two teeth in their head realizes that you aren’t allowed to use your own phone on planes because all the airlines basically bankrupted themselves putting those stupid air-phones in the back of the seats. So, they lie and tell us that we have to pay $7.98 a minute or whatever the hell it is they actually charge if we want to talk on their phone because somehow the .001 watts coming out of our phone is going to make the big 767 crash. Lying fuckers. Anyway, in the wake of September 11th, I feel it is every American’s patriotic duty to not only be in possession of a cell phone, but to have it turned on while in flight. Not to make too much light out of a grim subject, but I’d hate to be searching for a signal when I could be finding out if my plane is headed for the White House or not.

Big Trouble? A watered down, shitty, American version of Snatch that had its funniest moments given away in the previews (Like the part where Andy Richter answers his friend’s assertion that as security guards they are not allowed to carry guns with, “Well, we’re not allowed to drink on the job, either.”) I rented it because I had already slept for fourteen solid hours and needed something to make the day go by quicker. Was I expecting anything? Not really. I was thinking that maybe Sonnenfeld (he directed Men In Black II) might surprise me. No such luck. To summarize, I would have felt the same had I dozed off for those ninety minutes. Oh, and screw Zooey Deschanel. The little talentless hack can’t act and her ass isn’t all that to look at. That’s right, I’m being mean. Hey, she knows where I live, she can take it up with me.

Ruthless Ratings

  • Overall: 3
  • Direction: 4
  • Acting: 4
  • Story: 2
  • DVD Extras: Snore
  • Re-watchability: 2

Special Ruthless Ratings

  • Number of times you looked at Stanley Tucci, though about his film Big Night, then cried when comparing the two movies: 3
  • Number of times you thought that Rene Russo looked more than just plain old anorexic: 17
  • Number of times the oppressive product placements made you sharpen your ax: 8
  • Number of times you thought Heavy D made a clown of an FBI agent: 6
  • Number of times you realized that you never, ever want to see Janeane Garofalo in another movie: 29
  • Number of times you wished that the nuke would have blown up in the plane and killed Zooey Deschanel: 5
  • Number of times you thought the stupid hallucinogenic frog was the weakest plot device since onset childhood diabetes (See Panic Room): 4
  • Number of times you thought that Big Trouble might have actually gotten banned because of its artistic merit, or lack there of: 4