Crank 2: High Voltage


Story In Entire Sentence:

Tough Englishman must keep himself alive by repeatedly shocking himself, all while finding the man who stole his heart. Just like Macbeth.


Anyway, Jason Statham is a real hunk, more in the vein of Stallone than Van Damme, but the kinky gayness piles up. Not only do we see Statham’s chest (not since Kickboxer have I seen a chest so sweaty) for an endless amount of time, but also his ass and cock, and he’s constantly fighting men who are almost always shirtless. He even has a gay sidekick. There’s also some squirm-inducing moments, such as a Latin mobster who tells a tattooed stud to cut off his nipples, which he does with relish. Statham also sticks a shotgun up the ass of an Asian thug, and “tortures” him by shoving the “shotgun” barrel further into the glory hole. He’s Asian, so it’s like any other Thursday. Also, there is a recurring theme where the gay brothers stick together and come out for each other in full gun-toting support. In this case, they help Statham, and although a perfectly attractive Asian chick has the hots for Statham, he keeps telling her to get lost and leave him alone. She even gets hit by a car for not taking no for an answer. Finally, he gives her a hug (while on fire), which starts her on fire,  indicating that it wouldn’t work out, as Statham is literally flaming. And let’s not even get into the fact that Statham tells a gay couple to zap him as he puts on a dog collar, telling them to shock him more and more. Also, a redhead starts making passes at Statham’s girlfriend and sure enough, Statham isn’t even aroused. In other words, this is the queerest action flick since Showdown In Little Tokyo. Also, we get to see Statham hook jumper cables to his nipples and tongue.  In an 80s Action cardinal rule, a man talking to a shrink says how he’s gonna bang a bunch of whores, and then literally dies one second after uttering the word. Also, the whole premise is just one big metaphor about one man’s quest to keep himself aroused.  Notice he has sex with his girlfriend, but only so he can stay alive long enough for a violent embrace with other men. But he has a girlfriend, you say? Note that Corey Haim and a cop tell her to leave Statham because he’s no good for her. Also, it’s blatantly obvious that the title could easily describe a dildo.

Corpse Count:

36 is what I counted, give or take a few. Once again, the movie’s editing is often hard to focus on, but you do get a lot of beat downs,  a Godzilla parody, a guy kicking a severed head into the ocean, and much, much more.  In other words, the film is full of brutal orgasmic spurts of violence, and the smile on my face never left.


How Bad Is It Really?

Holy shit, it’s about fucking time we had a movie this politically incorrect, hateful, misogynist and racist. In other words, Crank 2 is like a shot of Wild Turkey after endless rounds of Cherry Pucker. One only wonders why in the fuck people can’t get this shit right when they make action flicks. I mean, this could easily been made by Cannon, and damn it if I didn’t smile when I saw a group of mohawked (gay) bikers ride in the town and help Jason Statham kick the shit out of greasy Mexicans. I should note that while this movie is an orgy of wonderful violence,  I think it’s only fair to point out that the plot makes no sense whatsoever,  and this marks the big screen comeback of Corey Haim, complete with a fucking mullet. But like Rambo, who gives a fuck? I mean, we get  to see a sex scene between Jason Statham and Amy Smart on a horse track, for chrissakes, complete with blurred out shots of Statham’s cock. And Smart’s pussy, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Sure, it could be seen as a breach in 80s Action rules, but please understand that Statham is only fucking her so he can get the static electricity necessary to keep himself alive. If you need any proof as to the allusions to 80s Action, note that Statham rubs up against men first, possibly so he can get it up.

Stupid Political Message:

There isn’t anything, as the film really is a turkey shoot with no attempts at a plot or for that matter, a message. That being said, I did notice that all minorities in the film were either prostitutes,  gangsters, lackeys for mobsters, horny old perverts, or gay. So it’s like Newark, only less ridiculous. I think the closest thing to political content is when Statham starts a gunfight because his white, innocent girlfriend is stripping for minorities and drugged out degenerates like Corey Haim. Because let’s all remember 80s Action wasn’t only about the gayness, but also keeping innocent white women from having sex. Ever.

Lessons Learned:

I now realize why Stallone cast Statham in The Expendables alongside Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, and Eric Roberts. Statham is the same vein of hero, not like those Nancy boys Vin Diesel and Will Smith. Also, I learned that anything is possible, as Corey Haim is making a big screen comeback. He may even have been paid. I guess Steve Guttenberg might show up next year on the big screen.



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