DEUCE BIGALOW, EUROPEAN GIGOLO

Holy fucking hell — you liked it, didn’t you?

Perhaps I was hallucinating after ingesting a particularly nasty Filet-o-Fish, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t chuckle at least a dozen times. I laughed heartily at least twice more, and I even threw my head back once. By the end, pseudo-tartar sauce still on my chest, I was in tears. Not because the movie was that funny, but rather because I enjoyed it way too much. Seventy-seven minutes of this, with an H.L. Mencken biography just a few feet away? Okay, Mr. Schneider, you are off the hook. You’ve done what Adam Sandler never could. And no, I don’t mean bring me to orgasm.

So who is killing the great gigolos of Europe?

This time, Deuce is forced to travel to Amsterdam, where he must go undercover in order to vindicate his friend T.J., who is the top suspect in a series of man-whore killings. Yes, one wonders why Hitchcock turned down such a script. We know T.J. is innocent of course, but soon come to suspect Deuce’s new girlfriend, Eva, who is crippled by obsessive-compulsive disorder. This means that she slaps herself about the head when someone sneezes, won’t touch doorknobs, and wipes her nose wildly after hearing an accordion. It gets worse; much worse. It turns out the killer is Eva’s uncle Gaspar — the chief inspector — who started killing gigolos after being humiliated at Man Whore University, where a penis pump accident caused his cock to explode. Trust me, I am not remotely clever enough to be making this shit up.

The Deuce films are all about clever sexual terms, though. What’s on tap this time?

A virtual feast of puns and perverted terminology, all of which sound infinitely funnier coming from the mouths of deadpan actors. In order of appearance: Filthy Ramirez, Twat-sicle, Turkish Snowcone, Portuguese Breakfast, Va-guy-na, Sneaky Castro, Mangina, Prostidude, Mouth-to-South, Irish Facial, and Chili Rainbow. I suppose it’s best that these are left to the imagination, but I’ll admit I was a bit curious about the Sneaky Castro.

Wait a minute here…..Deuce has a girlfriend? What happened to his wife?

She was eaten by sharks while on their honeymoon, and all that remained was her prosthetic leg. Deuce keeps is handy, talks to it, and even brings it along to Amsterdam. Eventually, after marrying Eva, he gives it to an elderly woman who uses it as a bong. No, really, I promise; it gets funny.

Is there really a character named Heinz Hummer?

Naturally, and he’s butchered in an alley by the Man-Whore Killer. There’s also an Asian man-whore named Lil’ Kim, who boasts of his three inch penis. The end credits reveal that he received a penis enlargement and now boasts four inches, however. There’s also a Gallery of Man-Whores, where we meet Baron von Doggystyle, who “went on a man-whore expedition to the Arctic Circle and froze to death 69-ing a moose.” I include quotes to assure you that those were the exact words from the movie. There’s also an African man-whore in the gallery, referred to only as the “Jackie Robinson of ass-eating.” In some small way, I’d like to think that our boys in Iraq are dying for this.

I assume there’s a crazy cameo by some has-been SNL alum?

Norm MacDonald, not heard from since at least 1997, appears as a Quint-type character, railing at Heinz Hummer’s funeral about the perils of unionized man-whoring, where underage girls are no longer acceptable, and gigolos must always wash their privates between customers. His bit part is flashy and memorable, but I imagine he wishes he had something with the heft of Eddie Griffin’s role, where he flails around the bathroom after a cat sinks his teeth into his balls and won’t let go. That is the true essence of a comeback performance.

What about Deuce’s dates? Aren’t they always a gallery of fun?

While working to solve the case, he romances a giant Swede who forces him to dress like a baby; he wines and dines a chick who speaks from the hole in her throat; he mentors a girl from Chernobyl who grew up with a penis on her face instead of a nose; he escorts a disfigured hunchback through the streets; and he takes a gondola ride with a girl who is covered in sewage and dirt. But more on them. The girl with the penis-nose sneezes a lot, and her snot resembles semen, so we can look forward to the scene where she covers fellow patrons with her jizz. The tracheotomy chick shoots wine from the hole, and by the end, comes face to, uh, neck with the penis lady in exactly the manner you’d expect. The filthy woman is dumped in the river, scrubbed with soap, and appears mermaid-like from the waves looking like your average swimsuit model. Even the hunchback is given a backpack so that she can look normal. We later learn that the penis lady ends up with a man with a vagina for a face.

Where on nun-fucking earth do I go with this? Uh, any other lines to remember?

T.J.: “Get off my tittie, you doped up cracker!”

Gigolo: “If you’re gonna stick two in there, you’re gonna need a lot of lubricant. Okay, I gotta go, ma.”

Lil’ Kim: “I take my thlee inches someprace else.”

At some point, does a midget get tossed through a window?

Yes.

Why, for the love of Christ?

It’s enough that one does. And in a film where two grown men duel with penis swords after one of those same men thwarts a plot to blow up the Man-Whore Awards, are you really in the position to quibble?