Fire Maidens From Outer Space (1956)

After I suffered through Devil Girl From Mars I was confident that I would never have to endure something like this again. I was wrong. We now have a movie that is more boring, and even more politically incorrect. This movie alone is probably responsible for firing up Feminist Outrage, especially for movies in the 1950’s, and for very good reasons. More about this later.

And yet again, we have a discovery within our own Solar System. Just like in the horrible King Dinosaur something new is discovered. This time, it is not a new planet, but a 13th moon orbiting the gas planet of Jupiter, and it must be explored! Using the latest technology, a toy telescope, a manual typewriter and an adding machine, two Chesterfield-smoking scientists decide that there must be a space journey to this moon to check it out.  

They must get the word out! For the next 5 minutes, a Broad That Mattered with glasses and tits, not unlike Dorothy Malone in The Big Sleep, sauntered down the steep metal stair case, with her pencil and steno pad, opening and closing the first gate, then the second gate, then pulled up the chair to take dictation. Afterward, she ambled back up the stairs while the two below leered and made sexual innuendos. This is only the beginning. 

Next, we come to actual space travel. This is going to be a long review, as there is a lot to cover, none of it good. In my desk drawer, I have a letter opener that is more realistic looking than the spaceship headed for Jupiter…and what is inside is even worse. There are 5 Astronauts, all wearing Leisure Suits, not space-suits, no seat-belts, no helmets, no visible controls, and all smoking Chesterfield Cigarettes.

There do turn out to be controls, two levers with knobs, which apparently control everything…thrust, shields, brakes, you name it. We also have a Forrest Gump looking nitwit with a piece of graph paper, a protractor, a pencil and an anvil of an adding machine, who does all the calculations for the journey and the landing. Goat Help Us, Each And Every One.

Here is the Space Crew

The rest of this horrid movie is some of the most ludicrous, outrageous and boring film I’ve ever seen. The goofball astronauts land on the Jupiter moon, which is actually the lost city of Atlantis, from Earth! It is inhabited by:

• One old coot named Prasus
• His 12 beautiful daughters in mini-skirt togas
• One skinny pathetic monster in Black Face who wanders around the woods grunting
• Gods that must be appeased for treachery of one of the wummins!

Here are the wummins

Two of the hapless Astronauts stumble into the Atlantis Palace, and are roofied by the old coot and his daughters. They are imprisoned in order to be sperm donors, similar to the plot of Devil Girl From Mars. And, of course, one of the astronauts falls instantly in love with one of the vixens, and they must plot the escape!

This thing is right up there with the worst of the worst. It was not scary, not funny and the dialogue must have been written by a child. Even for the 50’s, the blatant sexism and exploitation of women was downright embarrassing. This is one of the most messed-up movies I’ve ever seen , and the ending? “Mission Accomplished”…Indeed.

Free to watch on YouTube (find it yourself)

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I learned from Fire Maidens of Outer Space

• The number of product placements in this film: 3
• The number of packs of Chesterfield Cigarettes smoked by the astronauts: Dozens and Dozens
• The number of times I secretly wished my internet would fail so I wouldn’t have to finish this movie: Infinite
• The number of times the Atlantis Palace reminded me of the women at the Anthrax Castle in Monty Python’s Holy Grail: 12
• How much of the movie was dedicated to ridiculous sexually suggestive dancing by the daughters: About half
• Space Aliens in 50’s movies are all Caucasian (except for monsters), speak English, and live on planets exactly like Earth
• Monsters cannot be killed by bullets, but can be stopped by the Holy Gas Grenade

Spoiler Alert for Stupid-Looking Monster

ZERO/10.0 With the Goatesian Rating of Just Downright Embarrassing