Quatrain CC{.X: Uprising:
Beneath the moon’s pale, watchful eye,
A glorious tower pierces the sky.
Its shadow long, its shaft upright,
Foretells a fate both dark and bright.
Ha! Relax, Duchie. Just a joke, man. I wouldn’t steal your texts! Of course not. I mean, it’s not like anybody in the whole wide world would ever believe I would be able to write like you! Come on, man! No one can! You know that! No, man. Trust me when I say there’s absolutely no one in this whole freaking universe who comes anywhere near the truly brilliant way in which you, sire, are able to convey those pure and golden thoughts that seem to float so freely in that beautifully sculpted head of yours into this… this…
I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s nigh impossible for me, just this, you know… American… to put into words what it all means to me, you know? Waking up every morning, and then, the very first thing I do, I swear, it’s not making coffee or washing my face or even taking a piss, no! The very first thing I do each morning is run (as far as these old bones will let me, that is) to my computer to see if this is, please, yes, lord, another one of those great and radiant days on which I may have the grandiose pleasure of again, once more, reading one of your truly magnificent epistles, good sir! And don’t, please, just don’t get me started on the gloriousness of your shaft, unless you want to see an old man cry…
So, yeah. Just a joke. Anyway, here’s a recipe for pea soup I found.
My Own Private Idaho (1991)
Mike Waters lives on the street and befriends the somewhat older and streetwise Scott Favor, who shows him what is necessary to survive. Waters suffers from narcolepsy and can fall asleep at any moment and in almost any circumstance. Favor comes from a rich family and is rebelling against his own background. They travel together extensively – Waters is driven by the need to find his biological mother – and spend time in Italy. Later in life, however, Favor has joined mainstream society and has little time for his old friend.
Yes. Very good movie. Touched my heart. What’s that? This is word for word what it says on IMDB? I know! Yeah, that’s because… they pay me! Yes, that’s it. IMDB pays me for writing those little blurbs, you know, so… that’s why. Sort of. I’m a good reviewer! Yes, I am!
Sausage Party (2016)
Now, I haven’t actually seen this one, per se…? [EDITOR’S NOTE: I have, and it is actually an allegory on religion] But that’s alright! I’ll just watch the trailer and read about it on Wikipedia, and then I’ll make up some somewhat funny-sounding nonsense about it, picking out a few details that make you think I actually did see it… We’ll be fine! So, let’s see, what’s this one about… sausages… supermarket… Yes. Got it.
In this riveting live-action grocery store adventure directed by none other than the great Greg Tiernan, we meet, no pun intended, a bunch of elongated bratwurst-like comestibles that can talk, somehow, and also walk around and all that, like they were actual people! Ha! Funny, no? Food with a face? Hi-la-ri-ous, man. And one of those funny food items is voiced by the great character actor Seth Rogen and his finely tuned and totally not highly grating and irritating voice box! Yes. And then a bunch of stuff happens, and in the end, Seth Rogen wins. Probably.
Life of Pi (2012)
Now, this I actually did see! For realz, man! No funny business. Pi is this kid, you see. He gets stranded in the middle of the ocean on a lifeboat. With a tiger! Cool, no? So, Pi’s odyssey across the Pacific may be construed as an ontological experiment, wherein Hegelian dialectics collide violently with Kierkegaardian leaps of faith, each wave a literal and symbolic confrontation with existential terror. The presence of Richard Parker, the tiger, operates simultaneously as a Jungian shadow and Freudian projection, catalyzing a precarious negotiation between id-driven impulses and egoic survival strategies. Yes. And that’s totally how I feel about it, you know? Me. The Goatster. Like, how these are totally my own thoughts and words. About this actual movie. With Pi. And the tiger. In the boat.
Ratatouille (2007)
Djeez. Another cartoon? What are you, like twelve or something? But alright… So, what’s this nonsense? A rat. In a kitchen. In Paris. Are you kidding me? Really? You actually want me to review this? Unlike you, Duchie, I actually pass for a grown-up every once in a while. I watch real movies. About guns and men. Real men. Real guns. You wouldn’t understand, you flatlander. What, with your so-called actual functioning democracy and whatnot. Screw you.
What? Movie? Oh, right. *Sigh* Let’s see what I can find on Twitter about it… What? It’s called ‘X’ now? What do you mean? Just the letter? X? Weird… Oh, here we go, from PepetheFrog1223: “This movie is financed by the lizard people! Our government is selling our thoughts to alien overlords! Rise up!” No, no, that’s not… what I’m looking for… Oh, look, this guy on Facebook says it’s a sort of somewhat good movie with lots of rats. And cooking. In Paris. So, there. Movie.
Peas.
So, did you see it? Did you see what I did? Idaho? Potatoes? Sausage Party? Meat? Get it? It’s the ingredients! For pea soup! Yeah! Clever, no? And funny, too? What? No? Not so much? A bit lame, even? Yeah, I know… I guess I should have known better than to try to be as smart and funny as the Dutchman and his glorious, glorious shaft… Sniff.
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