Quatrain uh… what comes after four?
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are
You’re just a dumb ball of gas
I hope you fall on your ass!
“Laahf is laahk a bawks a’ chawklets.”
No, it’s not, Forrest. Shut your piehole.
Goddammit. Jenny…? Jenny! Did you know he’s out again? What? Yes, out! He’s right here, yammering over ‘chawklets’ again… Can you come get him, please? I’m expecting guests.
Djeez. Fucking moron. With his ping pong ball. “Hey, look, I went to see duh prezzudent!” Yeah, well… I saw Topher Grace once. So, there. No, he didn’t see me, I… was busy getting jerked off by a ten-dollar whore. Yes. Behind the dumpster in the alley behind Jack in the Box. So, not, like, in a position in which one would be all like “Hey, Topher! How’s it hanging, dude? Loved your Predators movie!” No, man… Even when being jerked off by a ten-dollar whore behind the dumpster in the alley behind Jack in the Box, I wouldn’t be able to lie like that. Fuck Topher. Anyway…
Now, what is it with all those Hollywood hackensacks that makes them think that just by playing some drooling imbecile, we, the people, but specifically the Academy, will shower them with praise from now until thy kingdom al of niet uit de lucht komt gevallen? Hm? What’s that? You didn’t get that? Yes, I know. Google Translate, smurf. Well, god-fucking… Jenny! Didn’t I ask you to come get this cross-eyed fuckwit? Now, look at him! Taking a dump right in the middle of the lawn! Freaking fantastic. Bawks a’ chawklets right there. Steaming. Well, there goes blaming the neighbor’s poodle again… Poor Fluffy.
All the Rainy Mans and the I Am Sams… And, of course, the Gumpster-Dumpster. Ping-pongerino. Lord of the Shrimps. JFKouldn’t. Nor did Jenny. Or she could, but wouldn’t. Because Satan forbid that her womb get infected by that numbskull’s semen and produce more of them! God, no! Sure, she plays the whore to half of Greenbow so she can get her heroin fix, but making The Running Man smile super-extra endearing by giving him a little wiggle on the sniggle, uh-uh… Bitch. I hope she dies. Anyway…
What was I pointlessly ranting about? Oh, yeah! Hollywood takes the special bus. Wasn’t it Freud, or maybe von Daniken, who said, “Whenever an actor shalt playeth the moron, he shalt be shotteht in the faceth at close rangeth”? Yes, I believe it was. Well, I, Doctor Xanaarg Desiderius Knoopsgat, however, have a different suggestion. Whenever some La-la-land whoopseedaisy gets the idea in his head to play yet another of those horrible, lawn-fouling excuses for human beings, I will lock them in my basement and force them to watch every Topher Grace film ever made. In German.
Now go away. Predators is on. Love that movie.
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