Quatrain CCI: I’m hurtin’
Topher, Topher, little man
Whiny, tiny, yes, you can
With little or no testosterone
Play an eternal moron!
Dear Dr. Knoopsgat,
Hi! My name is Topher Grace. You might know me from renowned classics like Predators, Pinocchio, and Spider-Man 3. I have been a moderately successful actor for many years now, and I just had to react to your foul, reactionary, and downright rude epistle! You see, what most people don’t understand is: being an actor is really hard! It is! You have to play all these incredibly dumb and stupid roles for years and years, receiving lousy paychecks that won’t even cover my heroin addiction! OR my boy toys!
Furthermore, you, sir, are a rancid, putrefied, and utterly degraded human being. I’m disgusted to the core by the fact that I, a respected actor and stand-up member of this community, can’t even cross the goddamn street without horrible, insane, and decrepit trolls like you hunkering down in rat-infested alleyways while your own stand-up member gets worked over by what is, in all likelihood, one of your relatives. How on earth do you live with yourself, sir? Also, could you give me her number?
Also: joke’s on you: I don’t even speak German! Ha!
And then, finally, what you’re saying about playing an imbecile: not so! Nuh-uh! That’s even harder! Yes, I know I make it look easy in all my movies, but it’s not! It’s not like saying ‘duh’ while cross-eyed, and it’s ‘thank you, Academy!’ No, man! You have to get IN there, you know? You have to get deep inside, really, extra deep… So that you can feel it. And then, when you feel it real good, you can let it come, you know? Let it come hard. Right in the audience’s face. That’s how I’ve been doing it throughout my career, and look where it brought me! So, to reiterate: playing dumb is hard. Hm, so hard…
I will leave you now, you horrible person, with the words my sweet old Na-Na used to say to me whenever I came home after yet another spectacular box office failure: “Equus sum, itaque perditus sum.” Yeah! Take that, Gollum! I’ll bet you don’t even know what that means. Of course you don’t. Because you’re dumb!
So, what do you have to say to that, huh, Mr. so-called Doctor who isn’t even a real Doctor?
Official response from the offices of (the absolutely for realz) Prof. Dr. X. D. Knoopsgat, PhD, MD, PE, OBE, FBI:
Ha, ha! Your name is Topher!
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