Quatrain DLXXI: The Old Man and the Horse
Zie ginds komt de stoomboot
Uit Spanje weer aan
Hij brengt ons Sint Nicolaas
Ik zie hem al staan
Presented to you by the Dutch Bureau of Tourism
Hi, and welcome to the Netherlands, the greatest country on earth! Did you know that? That our country is the greatest on earth? It really is! And if it isn’t, I’ll just keep repeating it until it is! The greatest country! On earth!
Now, as many of you probably don’t know, I, Crazy Dutchman, am, in fact, Dutch. Yes. I am! Born and raised, yessir. In the greatest country on earth. Although when I say ‘greatest,’ I actually mean it’s pretty small, relatively speaking. My entire country is only slightly bigger than your Maryland, containing, to this day, some 18 million more of me! But what it lacks in size, it makes up for in greatness! Because, damn! Great!
As even more of you are probably also unaware of: the Netherlands does have, in fact, a strong and healthy cinematic ecosystem. By which I mean to say that we occasionally happen to make pretty decent movies. Oscar-winning, even. May I present to you:
The Assault (1986)
Based on the novel by Harry Mulisch, The Assault tells the story of a man, Anton, whose life is forever changed during the German occupation of the Netherlands in World War II. After witnessing the tragic consequences of a local resistance attack, he grows up haunted by the events, struggling with guilt, memory, and the elusive nature of justice. A tense, gripping drama, it won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film, and is considered one of the finest Dutch war films.
Character (1997)
A dark, compelling drama about the strained relationship between a stern, authoritarian father and his ambitious son in 1920s Rotterdam. The young man struggles to assert his independence while navigating social hierarchies, legal battles, and moral dilemmas. Its meticulous storytelling, atmospheric setting, and powerful performances earned it international acclaim. And an Oscar as well. Yes.
The Netherlands is a constitutional monarchy. The king doesn’t wield any political power, however; his role is mostly ceremonial. In this video, you can see our then-future king hurling an orange toilet bowl. Orange, as some of you may know, is the national color of the Netherlands. Why? Because our royal family’s surname is… Orange. Yes. So, now you at least understand the first title in our next duo of movies.
Soldier of Orange (1977)
Starring Rutger Hauer and Jeroen Krabbé, Soldier of Orange is a gripping World War II drama following a group of Dutch university friends whose lives are torn apart by the German occupation. The film chronicles their courage, betrayals, and moral dilemmas as they navigate the resistance and the harsh realities of war. With Hauer delivering a powerful performance at the height of his early career, the film is widely regarded as a great piece of Dutch cinema and a compelling portrait of resilience under occupation.
Turkish Delight (1973)
Directed by Paul Verhoeven and also starring Rutger Hauer, Turkish Delight is a raw, passionate drama about love, obsession, and heartbreak. Hauer delivers a magnetic performance as a sculptor entangled in a tumultuous relationship that spans years, exploring desire, loss, and the intensity of human emotion. Bold, daring, and unapologetically candid, the film became a milestone in Dutch cinema and remains a testament to Verhoeven’s early craft.
Another thing Dutch people are famous for is our down-to-earth-ness, as well as our love of cycling. This link points to an article concerning both. It’s titled ‘Why I Ride My Bike to Work, by the Prime Minister of the Netherlands.’ (Former, by now; currently boss of NATO.) And that says it all, doesn’t it? As opposed to, you know, being accompanied by an entire army all the time while being transported in a bunker on wheels that is designed to survive the apocalypse. ‘Doe maar gewoon‘, as we Dutch would say… As would Huub Stapel!
The Lift (1983)
A horror-thriller set in a modern Dutch office building, De Lift follows the terrifying events that unfold when an ordinary elevator suddenly becomes deadly. Small accidents quickly escalate into fatal incidents, leaving employees on edge and authorities baffled. As fear spreads through the building, Felix, the technician from the lift company (Stapel) begins investigating, revealing a chilling mystery behind the seemingly harmless machine.
Amsterdamned (1988)
Set amidst the canals of Amsterdam, Amsterdamned is a thrilling horror-crime film about a mysterious killer stalking the waterways of the Dutch capital. Detective Eric Visser (also Stapel!) must track the elusive murderer, navigating narrow canals, historic bridges, and the city’s dark underbelly. The film combines suspense, inventive stunts, and a uniquely Dutch setting, turning the familiar urban landscape into a playground for maniacs.
Down-to-earth-ness, yes. What we are also (in)famous for is our honesty. Our directness. Our in-your-face-ness, if you will. Where an American would say something like ‘our president is unfit for the job’, for example, a Dutch person would simply call him ‘a corrupt, stupid, lying, insane murder clown.’ Or something along those lines. And then probably also mention the French philosopher Joseph de Maistre and how he once said that every people get the government they deserve, and what that says about you, Americans. Although that last bit may be just me being mean. Moving on…! Up next, two of our finest examples of ‘speak your mind, darling. I will still love you. Or not.’
Darlings! (1984)
About what happens when Dutch kids hit puberty. Yes. Gathered from comments on Imdb:
“This Dutch film was a big commercial and critical hit when it appeared on Dutch screens in 1984. Which is really odd, considering that it’s probably impossible to get a sort of film like this made these days anywhere. This movie is not like other comedies, it’s extremely violent, offensive and weird at times, but the brilliance of director Van Hemert is that he has taken this outline based on reality and has blown it out of proportion, which makes the movie a truly entertaining and demented experience.”
So, there. Enjoy.
Mama is angry! (1986)
Pretty much the same! Same crew, same director, same insanity. Only now, Mama packs an Uzi. Yes.
Flodder (1986)
“Buurman, wat doet u nu?”
Now, although my country is, of course, the greatest on earth, sadly, it isn’t perfect. We, too, have our… unwanted elements, shall we say… So, what do we do with them? With our very own Honey Boo Boo’s? Our own Jersey Shore cast? Well, we give them a nice big bungalow with a swimming pool in one of the poshest neighborhoods in town. For free. Yes. And then we sit back and watch the madness unfold…
New Kids Turbo (2010)
Now, then. What if The Situation had produced a love child with Honey Boo Boo? Yeah… What if he produced five? Meet Richard, Gerrie, Rikkert, Robbie, and Barrie. They live in the rural village of Maaskantje, doing nothing but feeding off social security, drinking beer, and smoking pot. Until one day, the local authorities cut off their welfare. Something about assaulting one of their employees, or some such nonsense. So they decide to simply stop paying for anything.
For your amusement, as well as my own, also gathered from Imdb:
“Better than all the nonsense comedies made in Hollywood! It was the first time I saw a Dutch comedy with this style! It was great and spectacular..! If you enjoy your comedy with manly mustaches, mullets, horking, swearing, and white trash but want a European vibe set to techno music, then New Kids Turbo is the film for you. Apparently, this sort of language and behavior was allowed on TV screens at hours suitable for family viewing. Also, I was wondering how one could possibly fill nearly 90 minutes with (I thought) very thin material. But they succeeded splendidly, apart from the ending that was nearly as surreal as the ending of the first (1986) Flodder movie.”
Because in the end, the Dutch government decided it was probably best to nuke Maaskantje out of existence. Yes. Sadly, they nuked the wrong village.
So, there you have it. A bunch of excellent reasons why my country is, in fact, the very greatest on earth, ever. For realz. Also, cheese, tulips and windmills. I will leave you now, my fellow Americans, with the famous words from the president of the International Federation of Toilet Bowl Throwing, the honorable Dr. X.D. Knoopsgat: “What? Hm, yeah, first let me… swallow this raw herring whole… So! Yes. You want me to say what? ‘The Netherlands is the greatest country on earth’? But why? I never even heard of the place… ‘Nedder-Lants’? Sounds like a children’s story. Are you sure this is a real place? Yeah? Alright… Well, you know, I’ll do anything for a Snickers, so here goes: “The Leather Pants is the greatest country on earth.”
To check out streaming services for these movies, check out JustWatch
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