From the Book of MoMo, paragraph 2b: Women on Bicycles

Quatrain CLXXI: For Whom the Wheel Tolls

Upon the iron circles the pale virgins ride,
Through cobblestones of fate and shadowed skies,
The pig-maiden squeals whilst youth doth wildly glide,
And scarlet rouge and blushing velvet whisper hidden lies.

One thing you should not put whipped cream on, however, is the saddle of one’s bicycle. Especially not if you’re a woman. Can you imagine? A woman’s bottom sliding around on the seat, while a white, gooey substance slowly drips from underneath… I mean, no! That’s not… That’s not good at all… Let’s… Let’s focus on something else, shall we…?

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

Let us focus on men instead! Yes. Beautiful, burly men, sweaty and panting… Men that shoot, and kill! Rob trains on horseback and whatnot. Until, after one heist too much, it all goes south, as do the men themselves: they flee to Bolivia, with a posse hellbent on their doom hot on their tail. Or something. They get pursued, is what I’m saying. But it matters not: Butch (Paul Newman) loves his Kid (Robert Redford) so truly and deeply that they’re willing to die for each other. In each other’s arms, if in any way possible, and if not that, then shooting your way, hard, and straight into heaven… 

Guns do possess a certain phallic-like quality, don’t you think? All those men waving them around with such confidence… loading them, polishing them, and then firing them triumphantly into the sky… into each other… I wonder what Freud would make of this. He would probably consider that whole gun-totin’ fascism as one long, extended (pun very much intended) phallic phase. Like they never really grew up. ‘This is my rifle, this is my gun.’ Yes. That. Hm… ient-eres-tieng! Let’s ask Miss Piggy.

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

Because this year, it’s personal… And full of bacon! This year’s greatest action heist thriller will take you around the world in an amazing adventure, together with all your beloved action stars! The Frogster is back! Oh, yeah! Our intrepid reporter is hot on the tail, once more, of some jewel thieves, but because he’s a frog and also Kermit, he fumbles it all spectacularly and gets sent to London with his mates, his friendo’s, his duderinos, if you will, The Fozz and Gonzo the Great! The gang is back together! And this time, they mean it!

Interviewing Lady Holiday is just an excuse for The Hopper to once again hook up with his lifelong lover, the lovely little Miss Porkchop! Dame Snout! Pigtail Anny! Lady Bacon! Her Majesty’s Secret Steakster! Also known AS… Yay!

An action-packed adventure! A pulse-pounding thriller! A breathtaking saga of love, courage, and… cliches! Also: Miss Piggy rides a bicycle. So, there.

BMX Bandits (1983)

This… I love this. I love this world! For letting this exist! Yes. This is a movie, starring a very, very young Nicole Kidman, in which she rides a BMX, discovers a hidden cache of stolen walkie-talkies, and embarks on a series of wild chases across sunny Sydney with her friends, riding around in very short shorts, while (Wait… How old is she exactly, in this movie? Checking… Christ! She was 16!) [edit] riding around in very respectable clothes for a girl her age, while villains pursue, bikes tumble, and the streets echo with youthful chaos! Isn’t it great? Isn’t life grand and wonderful? Yes! Yes, it is! Now, smile, goddammit.

Frivolous Lola (1998)

Ah, finally… the heart, the nucleus, the very cyclonic core of the Women on Bicycles universe! Every pedal stroke, every swirling skirt, every daring escape across cobblestones, it all leads here. All other films merely orbit this brilliant, sunlit epicenter. Without Lola, nothing spins, nothing glides, nothing matters. She is the gravitational pull of two-wheeled femininity itself!

In 1950s rural Italy, the sanctity of marriage faces a curious test. Masetto, her devoted fiancé, insists on tradition: the wedding night alone shall mark love’s consummation. Yet Lola, spirited and unbound, refuses to wait. She rides through sunlit fields, each turn of the wheel a testament to desire, autonomy, and the fierce sovereignty of her own needs. In her movement, we see the eternal tension of love vs. duty and longing, ceremony and selfhood, intertwined. Frivolous Lola rides, she yearns, she lives — and in her, the sacredness of desire itself is revealed. 

Because this is NOT soft porn.

The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

Nor is this! What is it, then, you ask? Well, it’s a 2003 animated feature written and directed by Sylvain Chomet. Who is French. The film follows Madame Souza, an elderly woman determined to rescue her grandson Champion, who has been kidnapped during the Tour de France. With the help of her dog Bruno and the eccentric, singing Triplets of Belleville, she embarks on a surreal, visually extravagant journey across strange cities and bizarre landscapes. It’s a darkly comic, music-filled adventure, blending quirky characters, absurd situations, and a love of cycling into a truly one-of-a-kind animated experience. 

See? Not porn at all. Soft or otherwise.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (2006)

What is also not porn but IS an animated feature is this! Yes. In it, we meet Makoto Konno, a high school girl who discovers she can leap backward in time. At first, she uses her newfound ability for fun – skipping exams, avoiding mishaps, and playing pranks – but soon learns that changing the past has unforeseen consequences. As she navigates love, friendship, and growing up, Makoto comes to understand the weight of her choices and the fleeting, precious nature of time itself. While sometimes riding a bicycle.

Like I said. Also not porn. Totally harmless. Unless you’re one of those weird people who get all… how shall I put this… hard between your legs, from animated Japanese girls in short skirts. In which case, it is!

Wadjda (2012)

Finally, then, Wadjda. Now, let’s dispense for a moment with all the silliness and get serious. Okay? Because the story of this brave little girl is nothing to make fun of. So, therefore, I won’t. Wadjda is a spirited 10-year-old girl in a suburb of Riyadh. Fun-loving and determined, she dreams of owning a bright green bicycle to race her friend Abdullah—a boy she shouldn’t even be playing with. Her mother forbids it, fearing social repercussions, so Wadjda tries to raise the money herself. When her schemes fail, she enters a Quran recitation competition with a cash prize, showing ingenuity and determination as she fights for her dream. And I mean that, you know? From the heart. Absolutely. Serious. For realz, man.

Well, now, then. There you have it. The wonderful, whimsical world of women on wheels. Now go away, you horndogs. The Good Book has spoken once more. Now cycleth forth and doth not doping.