Interstellar Anthropology: Studying the Strange Religions of Planet 1226EA-12, locally known as ‘Dirt’
Written by: Xanaarg Desiderius Knoopsgat
A Dissertation Presented to the Faculty of Interdimensional Samurais, University of Dagobah in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Doctor of Bollocks in Philosophy. Dagobah System, 128th day of Sabaah, Epoch of Lambs, Second Helping.
An Introduction:
Planet Dirt is, first of all, really, really small! By Grabthars Hammer and the Sons of Warvan! I had to turn my MagnaScope© all the way up to one to even see it! One! Can you imagine? Luckily, when I finally had it taking up more than two pixels on my Glar-O-Screen©, it took my SuupComp© only 0.023 planck units to hook up to their primitive digital ecosystem. They do tend to produce an awful lot of noise and chatter, so it took me a while to find anything meaningful in all that racket. But, to my surprise, these diminutive creatures like to reenact the most gruesome and horrific acts of their species and call these things ‘movies.’ I watched a bunch of those, and… Darn. These scurrying little vermin are… truly evil. Yes.
They also believe all sorts of weird and wonderful things about their world and the universe they think they inhabit, and then they prove to each other that their system is the best by slaughtering the other side on an industrial scale. Hoogst curieus, inderdaad. I hereby present to you, dear lords, the briefest of overviews. May it amuse you as it did me.
Group One: Mass Madness
There are currently about 8 billion of these ‘hoo-mans’, as they like to call themselves, swarming around on the surface of that tiny planet, and considering how they all seem to hate each other to the core, it’s baffling how they managed to keep their society running for this long… As far as I could determine, by far the biggest group, easily half of them, seem to worship the exact same deity, and yet they’ve been killing each other over details for centuries! It’s… Stàggering. Bewildering. Idiotic! Truly, deeply… Stoopid! Djeez!
Please forgive me, dear lords. I just can’t get over that simple fact: it’s the same god! How… What…? I mean…
Countless wars they fought. Millions died. The suffering is… immeasurable. Over footnotes! These hoo-mans are… horrible. There’s no other word for it, my lords. Truly horrible. Anyway…
A big part of their belief system seems to be worshipping a hoo-man named ‘Hee-soos‘, I believe, who they first murdered by nailing him to some planks of wood, then standing him upright like that and just leaving him hanging there until he died, days on end, after which he turned into a zombie. And then all the other hoo-mans suddenly want to become zombies too by eating the flesh of the first zombie. Yes. And if you think that’s strange, my lords, trust me when I say: it’s going to get weirder. A LOT.
Over details… Gòd!
For your consideration:
The Passion of the Christ (The hoo-man Gibson on how to treat your deity.)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Gripping documentary. I cried a little.)
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (The classic.)
Group Two: Animali
These hoo-mans share their planet with lots and lots of other little beasties, and although they eat or otherwise exterminate most of them, some get promoted to deities. One group of them, called Ee-jipsuns, just took whatever was crawling around through their swamplands and said, ‘Yes. You, crocodile, will be a god. And you, cat, will be as well. As will this dung beetle. Now, let’s build some pointy things in the desert.’ And they went forth and did. Strange creatures…
In a region called Noor-wee, they also love their hoofers: one of their gods gets towed through the sky on a sleigh by two goats, called Gnash and Gnasher, while he hammers the clouds to make thunder. Yes. He also may or may not visit children once a year and give them presents. Or eat them. The accounts are not quite clear on this. Ho, ho, ho, for some reason.
But it’s not until we get to one of the other big groups, the Hind-doos, that things get really complicated. Depending on who you ask, they either have one god, or 33. Or many thousands. Or 33 million. Of those, many are monkeys. Elephants also prevail, as do deities with many waving arms. But it’s the bovines, you see. As mentioned earlier, in other parts of this strange little world the hoo-mans all too readily chop them into pieces and serve them up with some ketsup, I believe it’s called, and if they’re not doing that, they feed their children with their white, flowy secretions and wear their skin as… well, as a second skin, I guess. It does get mighty cold sometimes on Dirt. But not the Hind-doos, no. It doesn’t matter if they cause never-ending traffic jams or walk right through your living room: don’t touch these bovines. Lest you get severely frowned upon.
And furries. Yes.
For your consideration:
Gods of Egypt (Allow me to cleanse your loins, my lord.)
Krampus (What they wish upon their wee ones.)
Mad Cows from Planet Moo (The classic.)
Group Three: Exotica
Yes, my lords. I promised you it would get weirder. Allow me to introduce you to some of the really strange ones. To start with:
Originating from the region of Hai-tee, this one is part of their so-called Voodoo belief system. He likes to drink, shout obscenities, and generally be very rude and disruptive. So, basically, he’s that bald uncle at your sister’s wedding that nobody likes. Let’s stick some needles in a puppet and kill him.
Easily the gayest of all their ‘horned demon’-iterations (of which there are a LOT), what with his flute playing and dancing and singing along the Pan-Americana highway and all, luring all you infidels to your death! Wait…
Brilliant pyramid scheme dreamt up by the insane hoo-man L. Ron Hu-baar to extort humongous amounts of cash out of the hoo-mans Tom Croo-see and Jon Travol-toon, as well as many other bovines.
A deity with a pasta-like appearance, with two giant meatballs as the symbolic life-giving scrotum, that flies through the air, wishing its subjects all the best while trying not to get entangled with Shiva’s arms or the web of time. Followers can be identified by wearing a colander on their head. Gluten-free hoo-mans need not apply.
An Aztec deity of sex, sexuality, lust, carnality, sin, vice, impurity, temptation, fertility, purification, and absolution. So, a horny bitch. Also: steambaths. Likes to wear feathers and eat dirt. The sand, not the planet.
My personal favorite! An actual god of satire and mockery! In other words, me! It’s me! Don’t you see? I’m him! I mean, he’s me! We are… ourselves… or… I’m a god! Is what I’m saying! I knew it! I always knew it!
Now, bow down for me, bovines! All of you!
For your consideration:
Battlefield Earth (Jon Travol-toon dreadlocked deep into Hu-baar’s excrement expulsion tube.)
Thank you for Smoking (Momus in full swing!)
The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (The classic.)
Conclusion:
My dear Interdimensional Samurai Lords,
The hoo-mans are a really strange species. They kill each other in droves, yet give them a ball and all is well. They do the most horrible things to each other, and then they invent these little bags of nice-smelling herbs that they put in something called a ‘washee-macheen’ so that their second skins smell like flowers for a few days. They seem to think they’re absolute masters of their little universe. Which is funny, given that their world will soon end. I mean, oops, spoilers, but, come on… Besides killing each other, they also got really good at murdering their own planet. So, it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter where Waldo is, my lords. Because wherever that red- and-white-striped little hoo-man is hiding this time, Apocalypse is coming. And then all the hoo-mans will be gone. Forever.
No further study is needed.
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