Movies That Foment Primal Fear (Part Twelve): Apocalypse!

The Declarations of Ga’Dool

As found and translated by Erich von NostraCayceDamus

Dear Dr. Knoopsgat,

Firstly, allow me to introduce myself: my name is Chris Ga’Dool. Secondly: congrats on receiving your PhD! That must’ve been tuf, studying all those weird religions of the hoo-mans. I’m writing because I wanted to ask you about your new game, SimDirt 2.0. I had it installed on my SuupComp© yesterday, and I must say: kudos on the graphics! Those hoo-mans look really cute when you can watch them from some distance…

Now, my question is this: when I open the disaster menu, I get this weird blue flicker in the upper left corner of the screen. It’s probably just a glitch, and I wouldn’t be bothering you with it were it not for my pet Tlazolteotl: every time she sees that flicker, she goes into convulsions and starts reciting all 614 quatrains of the Book of MoMo, backwards, and let me tell you: that gets old really fast… Anyway, here’s a screenshot:

SimDirt 2.0 – Disaster Menu

1. Nature Hates Hoo-Mans

• Tornado

Twister (Flying cows.)

Into the Storm (The same, yet worse.)

Sharknado (Bitesize Twisters. Jaws from Above. Great White Whirlwind. Chomping Cyclones.)

• Earthquake

Earthquake (At least it’s aptly titled.)

San Andreas (Between The Rock and his hard place.)

Geostorm (Butler butts budget cuts.)

• Tsunami 

The Impossible (Yet it was.)

Bølgen (Norwegian for ‘wave’.)

Zombie Tidal Wave(Because… because… Hoo-mans!)

The Chicken Church

• Volcano

Dante’s Peak (Snorkeling cars can’t save charcoaled Grandmas.)

Volcano (La Brea burping burning blubber bubbles.)

Joe Versus The Volcano (Joe loses.)

Into The Inferno (Herzogian Horror Hotspots)

2. Hoo-Mans Hate Other Hoo-Mans

• War 

I couldn’t… it’s… too much…

Come And See [Editor’s Note: Here, allow me]

• Nuclear

Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (From The Kubrickian Nightmares.)

WarGames (Just practising.)

Atomic Train (Rob Lowe.)

• BitLogic

Bad robots, dude!

• BioLogic

Bad beasties, dude!

3. All The Cosmos Hates Hoo-mans

• Alien Invasion

Independence Day (Sneeze on the bastards. Then nuke ’em.)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Replaced hoo-mans with plants. No one noticed.)

Mars Attacks! (Finally!)

• Meteor Strike

Armageddon(Rough-nuking the shizzle out of that asteroidizzle.)

Moonfall (What if the Moon were made of cheese?)

Asteroid-a-Geddon (Eric Roberts.)

So, your advice please, good Doctor?

Official response from the offices of Dr. X. D. Knoopsgat, PhD:

Have you seen my car keys? I could swear I left them on the table…