Dating Opportunities at the World’s End, Pt. One
Written & Directed by Thom Eberhardt.
With: Catherine Mary Stewart as Regina “Reggie” Belmont, Kelli Maroney as Samantha “Sam” Belmont, Robert Beltran as Hector Gomez aka Hank, Sharon Farrell as Doris, Reggie and Sam’s stepmother.
Clearly on a day-player contract, Mary Woronov as Audrey White, Geoffrey Lewis as (phoned it in) Dr. Carter, the leader of the think tank.
It turns out the newspaper reports were wrong, the dinosaurs were not wiped-out 65 million years ago by a comet impact. Nope, seems Earth passed through the “Tail” of the bad comet and any critter, be-it dinosaur or Republican (a red MAGA cap offering zero protection from the pernicious effects of the radical (and I have no doubt you’ll agree such a beast of a comet, is in fact, a radical), any flesh in blood critter is turned into a pile of red cootie dust. Clothing left behind like the victims of a scarlet rapture. Luckily, no dogs remain to piss on discarded garments. (pre micturition sniff optional, depending on the breed) The issue of surviving insect life is not addressed in the film. Darn, so no word on the fate of MAGA. Let’s face it, the prospect of returning America for her former glory has pretty much dimmed, what with most folks dead and all.
So, 65 million years pass and Wham-O, comet swings back for another crack at us (you can’t convince me that damn thing did not know humans rose-up and took procession of the whole shitteree. I am after-all a devotee of the RFKjr school of science.
Those wild Belmont sisters survived, though. The fetching Reggie spent the night screwing her BF (one of ’em anyway) in the steel lined projection booth of the theater where they both were employed. For a promised fee, never paid, of $15 US. (that’s almost 50 bucks in today’s currency, girls).
The other sister, Samantha, cheerleader and certified tramp, slept off her drunk in a steel garden shed, thus missing the chance at red cootie dust. (who says the movie bad girl is always rewarded with death in moral Hollywood?)
Reggie’s BF is killed and eaten by a red cootie zombie who was only partly shielded from the effects of the comet and rather than suffer scarlet rapture, is slowly transformed into a living on TV movie critic. **** +*!
(In marked contrast to H.G.Wells’1906 story In the Days of the Comet. There, the effects of the comet enlightened all of humanity and caused them to be sexually promiscuous. That Wells was a real horn-dog, himself).
Reggie escapes a similar fate and escapes on BF’s motorcycle to find her dimwitted sister. Together they race to a local radio station in order to further the absurd plot. That’s where they discovered trucker Hector Gomez (The hunky Robert Beltran, a mere decade away from playing the defaced, much mutinied and pussy whipped hen-pecked First Officer Commander Chakotay on Star Trek: Voyager.)
Now they’ve introduced a male lead, he’s off to points south to find dear old mom. The girls take off shopping for the latest white trash fashions, but not before shooting up a car with a couple of Mac 10 SMGs they happen to stumble across. Seems dear old dad is a special enforcer deployed to Central America persuading the locals on just whose in charge in this hemisphere! (Best if the state’s liberals pay attention as well). MSG Belmont trained his girls in the care and feeding of automatic weapons, in addition in the art of the silent kill with the K-Bar or piano-wire garrote.
All this racket get the attention of partially mutated zombies who capture the girls, promising a Fate Worse than Death. At this point in this vapid, low rent, and might I point out badly directed comedy-satire, the audience is praying for death (This nonsense has achieved mouth-breather cult status. Cult = Puke)
The girls are saved by some gun toting scientists who wisely hid from the comet’s effects in their bunker but foolishly left a window open so all of them are dosed and on the road to Zombieland USA!
The scientists want to exsanguinate the sisters along with a couple of annoying kids they found and cook-up a serum to save their save their sorry government asses. Not on my watch!
Hector arrive to save the day with explosives.
Hector, the sisters and the annoying kids transform into middle-class drones, albeit without cellphones or Wi-Fi, thus spared another form of Zombieland.
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