Ooga Booga

Jesus Christ, man. You did not just rent a movie called Ooga Booga.

Yes, it has come to this.

Why, for the love of fuck?

I had Marine 3: Homefront all ready to go, then I realized I hadn’t seen Marine 2: Balls Deep. Above all, I am a patriot.

That really doesn’t explain Ooga Booga. Even the title makes me feel unclean.

To be honest, I was sold on the tagline: “16 Inches With An Attitude!” Otherwise, I’d be guilty of having turned away a movie with Stacy Keach.

Mike Hammer? He’s still working?

More than ever, though he’s on record as having refused to take any part that isn’t a virulent racist. Here, he’s Judge Marks, a good ol’ boy who runs a “small town” with an iron fist (never mind the establishing shots that are clearly Los Angeles). He’s a corrupt bigot, and he’s made it his mission to rid the world of all minorities, especially blacks. Oh, and he runs a drug and prostitution ring from the bench.

Pretty standard so far….So how does an African voodoo doll come into play?

The doll is the creation of Hambo the Ranch Hand, a man dressed as a pig. He’s the host of the sort of kid’s show that features profanity, drunkenness, and a co-host wearing Daisy Dukes and revealing top. Hambo is hit in the balls by an angry child, and the resulting fury gets him fired. That, and he was late to the set because he was jerking off in the dressing room. I really have no more desire to live, by the way.

The Ooga Booga doll. You forgot about that.

Hambo created a set of dolls he calls the “Bad Ass” collection. There’s Joe Cracker, The Crack Whore, The Gook, The Butt Pirate, and yes, Ooga Booga. He can get them made in China for pennies, and he plans on making millions. Because America has a hole in the racist toy market that needs to be filled. Anyway, his only friend, our hero Devin, is given the Ooga Booga prototype as a gift, and is holding it when he’s murdered at a convenience store by a racist cop who works for Keach. Fortunately, Devin is killed at the exact moment the Slurshy machine short circuits, ensuring that his departing soul inhabits the doll. Per the Billy Wilder/I.A.L. Diamond script, the offending officer is named White.

Why was Devin at the store? Causing trouble, I assume?

Devin was a doctor, I’ll have you know, having just “passed a test.” He was on his way home from visiting Hambo when he decided to buy his girlfriend a rhubarb Slurshy. Three nitwits soon entered the store, robbed the cash register, then shot the clerk in the head. Devin was cradling the clerk’s body when the racist cops arrived. This being America, they shot the black guy.

Murder! So the standard cover-up?

White and his partner visit with Keach, Keach says nigra and bunghole in the same sentence, and the conspiracy is hatched. But not before Keach tells White that he has to pay a visit to the Muddy Gardens trailer park, the epicenter of the city’s drug and prostitution business. It seems there aren’t enough profits for the judge’s taste, and he’d like some threats to be made. Did I mention there’s also a nearby strip club called Tough Titty?

So when does the doll start killing?

Pretty much immediately, with the first victim being Devin and his girlfriend’s racist landlord. The doll sticks its spear in the man’s eye, and he dies immediately. The girlfriend (we’ll call her Donna) is somewhat alarmed by the living doll, but soon accepts it as the reincarnation of her beloved Devin. After some banter, Donna takes a shower while Ooga Booga jerks off. Oh, and OB really loves smoking pot.

I take it there’s a former Oscar nominee who appears in this mess?

Karen Black, she of Five Easy Pieces, Nashville, and the much superior Airport 1975. Black is Mrs. Allardyce, a trailer park manager who wears a tattered robe, loves her TV shows, and collects racist memorabilia, ensuring her death via OB’s spear. First, however, she must share an endless scene with Officer White, who needs to know where Skeez lives, because a man with that name just might be up to no good. Seems that Skeez and his buddies were the ones who robbed the convenience store, and didn’t bother to tell Keach, who should know if his employees are making a little on the side. I forgot to mention that before the shower scene, Donna was raped by Skeez and his boys, which leads to a later scene where Donna poses as a prostitute to get inside his trailer. Okay, so it’s now official: I’ve said more about Ooga Booga on Ruthless than Chinatown.

I’m all mixed up. So how does Officer White end up fucking the prostitute with saggy tits and Lindsay Lohan bruises?

White is upset that Skeez is not selling enough drugs, so he bangs the whore to “chip away at the debt.” It really is a shame that said prostitute was never given a name, because she was instantly likeable the moment she offered “My rash ain’t healed up yet” as an excuse for not hitting the streets. Ever the doctor, Skeez tells her to put butter on it and shut the fuck up. White also proves to be a sage when Skeez says that revenue is down because of the bad economy. “People always have money for drugs and poon,” the cop reasons. “Even at the risk of living on the street.” America in a nutshell, tucked inside a Redbox DVD.

So when Donna and Ooga Booga arrive at the trailer park, there’s hell to pay?
As mentioned, Karen Black is killed first. Then, Donna guns down two of the drug dealers, but not before the fat dumb one screams, “It’s Spearchucky!” Yeah, so what, I might have giggled. Skeez also dies, but in the confusion, Donna leaves behind her wallet, which allows Officer White to come back, find it, and return to Donna’s apartment to surprise and kill her. Only Donna isn’t home because she first goes to the other cop’s house to kill him, only she can’t because he’s secretly married to a black woman and he only tolerates White’s racism because he knows that if he didn’t, his entire family would be murdered. LA, man. L-fucking-A.

But per the moral code of Hollywood, the bad guys get their comeuppance, right?

The judge’s eyeball is also removed, causing instant death, and is lovingly set in front of a placard that says “An Eye for an Eye.” As expected, Keach handles his demise with the all the dignity and strength his training affords. Officer White, meanwhile, is stabbed in the balls and ear, leading to a heartfelt exchange between Ooga and Donna, which may or may not involve a passionate kiss. Thankfully, this being the big city, the removal of five racists will ensure nothing untoward ever happens again. And just in the nick of time, a package filled with money arrives on Donna’s doorstep. It’s from Hambo. It seems the racist dolls were a hit, so she can pay off Devin’s medical school bills and live happily ever after with a doll that can’t speak, loves self-abuse, and has an even greater predilection for murder.

Final thoughts? Words of wisdom left behind by the late, great Devin the Doctor?

“You have to put down the Xbox, gold teeth, and dreams of restitution and take advantage of your opportunities.” Clarence Thomas couldn’t have said it any better.