Pretty Maids, All In A Row (1971)

Directed by: Roger Vadim

Screenplay by: Gene Roddenberry & Based on Pretty Maids All in a Row by Francis Pollini.

Director: Roger Vadim was married to Brigitte Bardot and Jane Fonda and dated Catherine Deneuve. You just have to trust a guy like that when it comes to women, Don’t ya? 

With: Rock Hudson as Michael “Tiger” McDrew guidance councilor, football coach, ex Army Ranger, seducer of teenage girls, and serial killer. You’ll find one like him in any high school in America.

John David Carson as Ponce de Leon Harper. Carson was an actor of anemic abilities and zero screen presence. His casting a mystery along with his character’s name. And, Angie Dickinson as Betty Smith

Betty is the only reason, other than the Pretty Maids to see this piece of shit. Betty is horny, not having had sex in 13 months and would fuck just about anybody (even you, Matt) She ends up fucking nerd-berger Ponce de Leon , all part of Tiger’s never revealed diabolical plan/

Tiger’s plan…just what is it? Is he after Moose &Squirrel? Keys to the Kingdom? The Big Brass Ring? It would take Ellery Queen to figure it out and I am no Ellery Queen.

And neither is Gene Roddenberry. Who knows what Francis Pollini’s novel was like, but is damn sure Roddenberry’s screenplay did it no favors. His incompetence as a writer shines through every minute of the 95 minute running time. There are moments of a counter culture satire which never develop. It boils down to the betrayal of trust, and the murder of young women to save Tiger some embarrassment. A cop that would have a spot in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, is murdered also. 

We also have:

Telly Savalas is Police Captain Sam Surcher. Pre “Who loves ya, baby”? Kojak.

Keenan Wynn as Police Chief John Poldaski.  Barney Fife, West Coast Division. He used the “n” word, therefore must die

Barbara Leigh as Jean McDrew, Tiger’s wife. Schwing!

Roddy McDowall as Mr. Proffer, the principal. Comic relief

James Doohan as Follo, needed a job after Star Trek OS folded.

William Campbell as Grady, place holder

Susan Tolsky as Miss Harriet Craymire

The Pretty Maids are:

Brenda Sykes as Pamela Wilcox, an African American student, Joy Bang as Rita, Gretchen Burrell as Marjorie, Joanna Cameron as Yvonne Millick, a dark-haired student, Aimee Eccles as Hilda Lee, an Asian American student, June Fairchild as Sonny Swangle, an always-laughing student, & Margaret Markov as Polly, Diane Sherry as Sheryl

These ”Pretty Maids” were featured as ‘Vadim’s Pretty Maids in Playboy.’ ( along with Angie are they only reason for seeing this disaster.) I freely admit it was the reason I saw it. mea culpa mea culpa mea culpa.

Armed with his knowledge ,I waited the ensuing 55 years without getting any smarter and I watched it once more. I’m getting too old for this …Ponce uncovers evidence of Tiger’s guilt and that’s the game. Rather than just list Ponce’s death on the unknown killer’s tab, Tiger fakes his own death and escapes to Brazil . 

As Maxwell Smart would say, “Ah yes, the old fake your own death and escape to Brazil trick, eh?”