Robot Monster (1953)

 “I cannot – yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do “must” and “cannot” meet? Yet I must – but I cannot!“-Ro-Man

ATTENTION: Due to the Goat’s recent obsession with bad 50’s horror movies, we think that he has gone too far. There has been an emergency meeting of the Ruthless Executive Committee called to investigate this situation, for the sake of our site. 

Kevin: As acting chairman of the REC, I call this meeting to order. 

Matt: Seconded.

The Crazy Dutchman: Dudes, I was doing some nice drugs, and I got called in this for what?

Plexico Gingrich: Hey, I used to be in charge here!

Matt: STFU, you have been gone for years.

Goat: GET ON WITH IT!

John Welsh: Yes, while I was chatting with John Ford a few decades ago, he said…

ALL (In unison): No One Cares!

Ezra: Three Jews walked into a bar…

Kevin: Gentleman, Please!

The Crazy Dutchman: Once Upon A Time, I set my bed on fire!

ALL [In unison]: Shut Up!

Kevin: Please, Please, I think that we should let Goat have the floor as it is his review, and he is in charge. 

Devon Pack: I passed the BAR a few months ago…

ALL (In unison): Who are you?

Goat: This movie was so, so bad, but I absolutely loved it. Robot Monster is everything that a Bad/Good movie should be. We have ridiculous monsters, we have sexism and tits, but there is much, much more. There are actual things here at Ruthless that we love. Scathing dialogue, little kids being brutally murdered, and least but not last, a hairy, gorilla robot, wearing a scuba bell, with a bubble machine that kills an entire planet, save for 5 (I mean seven) remaining humans. 

Matt: I’m getting aroused

Goat: It gets better. While the Gorilla Robot is wandering around like The Beast of Yucca Flats, Tits and Roy are making Whoopie in the bushes, just a few yards away. After this obvious connection, they insist on getting married! And, the monster robot, after getting a whiff of the bushes, is not happy! 

And, for some unknown reason, the newlyweds wander away from the safety of the compound, into the brush (I’m guessing for more whoopie), and the little girl follows them! Uh-Oh! The little one is captured and eliminated (strangled) by the Hairy Robot, after who knows what. And, we cut to yet more fornication by the newlyweds in the bushes. 

Now, Hairy-Gorilla has had enough, and I don’t blame him. After seeing the loving couple in the bushes, he dispenses shirtless, and carries Tits off into the brush. Damn his Guidance.

Boss, he is horny by now. Great stuff!

Kevin: O.K., I think that we have heard enough. What do you guys think?

Matt: I think that Goat’s insight and evaluation of this film is congruent to the spirit of the genre. Why are we here?

John Welsh: We are here at Ruthless to promote great, classic Westerns. Nothing else is relevant. 

The Crazy Dutchman: I love Goat. Anything he does is fine with me. 

Goat: I’m not quite finished. Attention, attention from the Robot’s Boss, The Great Guidance, and he is not happy with the Gorilla’s horniness with Alice, the human. Spoiler Alert: Guidance Robot Boss is obviously Gay. 

And, the Gorilla Robot falls in love with Tits, Alice, OMGoat, what now? I’m telling you what. This is the greatest bad/awesome movie I’ve ever seen. The story is ludicrous, but in a wonderful way. The dialogue is pathetically pithy, and I love every word. The annoying characters are killed brutally, as was well deserved. Also, what is almost never done in this type of movie is the character development. 

I’ll start with the Gorilla Monster Robot. As a viewer, you can actually start to feel empathy with his situation. He is dealing with an unyielding Guardian Guide as a boss. There is no quarter, no wriggle room with this asshole. You perform or you fail and are eliminated. No emotion, no excuses, no exceptions. This does not sit well with the Hairy Ro-Man, but this will be his demise. 

Yes, it is creepy what he does to the little girl

Spoiler Alert: It is all a dream

8.0/10.0 With The Goatesian Rating Of Wonderfully Bad.

Quotable Quotes and One-Liners:

• “I’m bossy? You’re so bossy that you ought to be milked before you come home every night.-Roy
• “Why do you call me at this time? I have made my last offer.”- Robot after kidnapping Tits for sex. 
•  “What are you doing alone, young child?”-Monster Robot
• “My daddy won’t let anyone hurt me.”-Carla
• ” We’ll see about that.” -The Robot
• “You look like a pooped-out pinwheel.” -Johnny to the Robot
• “I will re-calculate. Your deaths will be indescribable”. -Ro-man (The Robot)