Comfortable and Furious


Fact: Iran is building missile bases in Venezuela so that they can launch a nuclear weapon towards the United States.


Fact: Active members of the Muslim Brotherhood are working in the US government and control the CIA, DHS, and the even the President


Fact: Did you know there are twenty billion people on the planet? One third of them are terrorists, and the other third are Mexicans!


Fact: The government puts microchips in the firing pins of all the guns and gives the information to Hamas, and Hamas makes a spreadsheet about your life, and sells it to telemarketers in India who harass you by saying their name is “Walter” and trying to get you to upgrade your satellite package. And we all know who owns the satellites, Vladimir Putin. Putin’s favorite food is chips, which is coincidentally short for “microchips,” which are in your guns, remember!?! Then, the satellites beam down space diabetes into your body and you die at fifty-five years old. And it’s all because of the government, the liberals, and the terrorists, who all want to control you, but also want to kill you, which seems counter productive, but it’s not because of FACTS!


Fact: Glenn Beck films are just horror movies for crazy people

(documented photo from space of the giant flag Hezbollah built in St. Louis as a testament to the Prophet Mohammed)


So yeah, as you can gather, I just watched a Glenn Beck documentary called Rumors of War III. My aunt (whom I do love dearly) sent it to my mom with a note saying she was trying to warn us of our impending deaths. Now my aunt eats like a child who got locked inside a movie theater, so I’m pretty sure the good people down at Hershey’s are going to murder her way before Mohammed Khalid Honkeykiller procures a dirty bomb. But whatever, I had some time to waste so I decided to give this DVD a look see. The most unsettling and glaringly obvious misstep of the movie was the huge leaps in logic.


Someone says Hamas isn’t a terrorist organization. That someone is automatically a terrorist. That someone coincidentally works at a university. Terrorists and invaded our education system! It’s a…. wait for it…..yup….FACT!

(note: Glenn Beck cries so much because they dipped Obama’s birth certificate in hot sauce before they shoved it up his ass)


I could go on and on and just tear this documentary to shreds, but I won’t do that. I imagine if you’re reading this, you must be literate. And if you are literate, you don’t take Glen Beck seriously, and if you don’t take Glenn Beck seriously, you don’t have enough canned goods in your house, and if you don’t have enough canned goods in your house, what will you trade with at Bartertown after the apocalypse? Your anus, that’s what you’ll barter with, you commy fagget.


I’m not knocking Glenn Beck’s hustle at all; he’s built more bomb shelters than schizophrenia. And I’m pretty sure the Bomb Shelter Factory Worker’s Union loves him. Sike, there are no more unions. The Bomb Shelters are built by illegal Mexicans. Oh yeah, you know what else about illegal Mexicans? They are also terrorists!


FACT: Terrorists come across the Mexican desert into the US all the time? Don’t believe me, well Fox News showed a dusty old cattle rancher holding up a crusty blanket with a fancy pattern on it. It was probably a Muslim prayer blanket. A Muslim terrorist left it. Guess who smuggles everyone through the desert? Mexicans! So you see: the Mexicans are helping the terrorists, which now make the Mexicans terrorists themselves. Bam! Let. That. Settle.


It goes on like this for what feels like hours. Another cool thing I really liked was when they said all the Islamic States were on the verge of uniting against the West and raging a religious war. A united Islam? Really? They can’t even agree on the best way to mutilate their women’s genitalia. I doubt the Shiites, Sunnis, and other factions are going to invade Alabama in lockstep and smear hummus all over Lynyrd Skynerd’s headstone. It’s clear, the people who believe this, have to want to believe this.


FACT: Being an American is boring. No matter how stupid or poor you are, you almost always have enough food and water. You crave excitement and stimulation! And fear is the bored man’s orgasm. It’s actually kind of sad: many of Glenn Beck’s supporters peaked one morning about eleven years ago when they watched some buildings from their postcards burn down on TV, and they’ve been chasing that high ever since. The Muslims, the Mexicans, the Religious War, the Race War, they will always be right around the corner! Arm yourself now! Educate yourself with the truth, and the truth will set you…back around 50 grand, 60 if you want the bunker that comes with a dojo.


One of the movie’s main flaws is that it supposes that there are thousands of threats every year that the government isn’t telling us about, yet they are constantly stopping them, catching dirty bombs, thwarting suicidal plots, and apprehending weaponized chemicals. The same government that is controlled by terrorists… is stopping terrorism. I don’t think you get to have it both ways, but I guess you do if you’re the kind of person who wants the government to keep its hands off your Medicare.


And just to add hilarity to insanity, the movie suggests that if you do not believe in these threats, then you have been brainwashed by the liberal media. It then fellates the egos of Beck’s true believers, making it their patriotic duty to spread the word. Go libertarians, warn your countrymen: one if by united healthcare, two if by evolution taught in schools.


Make no mistake; this is a movie, not a documentary. If this is a documentary, then so is Transformers II. And I don’t even recommend watching Beck’s movies for laughs because after the first thirty minutes, everything just morphs into the same drivel by “experts” telling you that you’re going to be killed by Islam soon… it’s a rare film, and awkward, but so is a left-handed butt wipe on a leap day. I wouldn’t waste your time. Instead of watching this, you know what you should do? First, turn off all the lights in your house. Then play some really loud techno music, and not the crappy kind they play in the skating ring, I’m talking about the quality techno that they play in a Bosnian sex club. Then, put a Glenn Beck DVD on mute, drop some acid, and just start writing down all your thoughts.


FACT: That’s what Glenn Beck does when he’s writing a new movie.



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