How do you honour an icon? Well, as with Sir Rollins, let’s start with a little list, shall we:
- Stephen King published 65 novels, more than 200 short stories and 5 non-fiction books
- Of those, almost half a billion sold worldwide
- His books have never been out of print
- He has more writing credits to his name on Imdb, by far, than any other writer
- He has more of his books turned into movies and TV shows, by far, than any other writer
- He is solely responsible for the creation of more well-known pop culture icons, by far, than any other writer
- He is mentioned and or featured in The Simpsons AND Family Guy AND Southpark!
Not only is he one of the best-known and most successful writers of all time, but a personal hero, example and role model for yours truly as well. The very first review I wrote for this website was about Christine. So, again, how does one add anything to an already very long list of awards and accolades? Well, one thing Mr. King doesn’t have, is a Top Ten-list on Ruthless. So, it is time now, dear readers, to right that terrible wrong, that heinous crime against humanity, for I, Dutchman, hereby present to you:
10. Scariest short story: The Jaunt
Published in the 1985 collection Skeleton Crew, it tells a story about how teleportation of humans is made possible by science. A father explains its history to his young son, while they’re waiting to be teleported to Mars. The physical displacement of matter by The Jaunt is instantaneous, but if you’re not unconscious while being transported, your mind will stay awake in some sort of empty Limbo, for trillions of years, before being re-united with your body again… The family, along with the rest of the passengers, gets administered a sleeping gas, and they get teleported, but when the father wakes up on Mars, he discovers to his horror that his son deliberately held his breath and went through fully awake, and, well… let’s just say some gouging of eyes may be involved.
9. Story that mentions the word ‘tower’ the most: The Dark Tower-series
His magnum opus, of course. About Roland Deschain, the eternal gunslinger, trying to protect said tower, which holds together all worlds and all dimensions, from the onslaught of The Crimson King. Spanning eight novels, it also connects many of King’s other books, thereby creating his very own multiverse of weirdness. Made into the 2017 movie of the same name, starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey, which received somewhat mixed reviews. It’s been accused of not cramming eight novels worth of material into one hour-and-a-half-long movie, but I think that’s not really fair: as a standalone movie, it holds up well enough. That being said, if ever there was a story that begged the Denis Villeneuve treatment, it’s this one. So, Denis, if you’re listening…
8. Coolest demonic revenge: Uncle Otto’s Truck
So what, if I murdered my business partner by dropping my old truck on him? And so what, if that same old truck is now left to rot in a field across from my house? And so what, if I think that it seems to be moving? That everyday I wake up, it looks like it has crept a little closer?
Well, they did eventually found you, drowned in motor oil and with an old spark plug shoved down your throat. And they never did find any empty oil jugs anywhere near you. So Yeah.
7. Initials with the most meaning: R. F.
Randall Flagg. Richard Fannin. Richard Fry. A demon and a sorcerer, also known as Walter o’Dim, Marten Broadcloack, and Bill Hinch. The Ageless Stranger. The Walkin’ Dude. The Hardcase. Works for The Crimson King, but only if it suits him. Manipulator. Killer. Button-fan. Instigator of not one but several society-collapsing events. Able to travel between dimensions and worlds. Appears in many of King’s books, such as The Stand, The Dark Tower-series and Eyes of the Dragon. Someone who has, to use Mr. King’s own words:
“a dark hilarity in his face, and perhaps in his heart, too, you would think—and you would be right. It was the face of a hatefully happy man, a face that radiated a horrible handsome warmth, a face to make water glasses shatter in the hands of tired truck-stop waitresses, to make small children crash their trikes into board fences and then run wailing to their mommies with stake-shaped splinters sticking out of their knees. It was a face guaranteed to make barroom arguments over batting averages turn bloody.”
I think I like him…
6. Most children eating demon: Pennywise, the Dancing Clown
Speaking of pop culture icons… Probably not solely responsible for the whole ‘insane murder-clown demon’-phenomenon, but he certainly put the fun back in killing the wee ones. Portrayed in the original 1990 TV miniseries It by the great Tim Curry and in the 2017 remake of the same name by the equally great and even creepier Bill Skarsgard, Pennywise is here to stay. Forever. But that’s okay, children. You just take that red balloon, now… Take it and float… We all float down here…
5. Worst concept and execution: Maximum Overdrive
The only movie written and directed by Stephen King himself! And probably rightly so… It’s about machines that come to life when Earth passes through the tail of some evil comet. So we get Emilio Estevez getting attacked by his own microwave. Made, believe it or not, during the height of Mr. King’s coke addiction. Yeah. So… Let’s just quietly move on now, shall we?
4. Worst Beethoven ever: Cujo
It’s what happens when a humongous, drooling, 220 pound St. Bernard goes insane after being bitten by a bat, and you getting stranded on its yard on a scorching hot summer’s day in a car that won’t start. As with so much of King’s work, this was also turned into a somewhat-alright-although-some-people-think-it’s-actually-pretty-good sort of movie, somewhere in the dark and far away year of 1983.
3. The most blood-soaked teenage girl: Carrie
Getting your period for the first time was never this torrential. Or a debut this successful. King’s first.
2. Worst idea ever: ‘let’s bury our cat, and then our dead son, on this ancient native American burial ground. I’m sure it will be fine.‘
A.K.A. The infamous Pet Sematary, of course. Movified in 1989 and starring a bunch of people you never heard of, and Fred Gwynne. You may never have heard of him too, but I’m sure you’ll recognize him:
I hope you rest in real peace, Fred. Thanks for all your great work. And your face. [Editor’s Note: There was also a remake in 2019]
1. The finest smell in the world: Christine
Come on. What did you expect? About Arnie Cunningham, a pimply loser-nerd who gets tormented by almost everyone in his angsty teenage high school years? Who then comes in possession of a possessed 1958 red and white Plymouth Fury that then starts to brutally murder all those people? When I first read that book, I was Arnie Cunningham. This book answered all the sweaty, feverish revenge fantasies I had when I myself was an angsty, pimply teenage nerd.
Both book and movie came out in 1983. The movie was directed by the great John Carpenter and starred Keith Gordon, John Stockwell and Harry Dean Stanton. I’ve seen and read them both dozens of times, and probably will do so for as long as I live. I will leave you now with the wise words of George LeBay, brother of Christine’s first owner:
“My asshole brother bought her back in September ’57. That’s when you got your new model year, in September. Brand-new, she was. She had the smell of a brand-new car. That’s just about the finest smell in the world, ‘cept maybe for pussy.”
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