(Jigoku no banken: kerubersu)

Jonny is laconic, for once…

Jigoku no banken: kerubersu, AKA Stray Dog: Kerberos Panzer Cops forced me to do something I rarely do. I turned the damn thing off. Thirty-five minutes into the film, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I love watching rotten movies. Not only does it give me a change to write a scathing screed in my never ending battle with Matt Cale to prove who is actually the angriest dog, but there are typically hidden gems lurking within the muck that I can pull out and shine up. Wait, that’s bullshit. I am mesmerized by moving images that make noise. I’ll admit to that. But Stray Dog hardly accomplishes even that! I just couldn’t fucking take it. NOTHING HAPPENED. A guy shows up with a gun at a girl’s condo. He’s looking for some guy. The guy’s not there. The girl sells the condo and then they buy a van, drive somewhere and wander around without saying a word for twenty minutes. I looked at my DVD player when twenty-seven minutes had passed and thought to myself that surely something noteworthy was bound to happen. Eight minutes later all that was going on was a knee level shot of the woman walking through whatever city they happened to be in.

Literally, that’s it. Oh, I should mention the repulsive soundtrack which consisted of an acoustic guitar and a harp that somehow only added to my boredom.

I should point out that the beginning of the film showed great promise. The first five minutes or so. We see a bunch of “Panzer Cops,” the “Kerberos” sitting around waiting to be raided. I guess they are some rogue military group that was getting shut down by the powers that be. This part had the look and feel of the scene in Terminator where all the rebels are huddled up inside the shelter and the non-Arnold Terminator gets narced out by the dogs. Anyhow, nothing happened in that scene, either, but I thought it had potential. I’m so bored writing this. It feels like a high-school type essay with a word-minimum. I really don’t know what else to say. The movie just flat out bored me. Don’t waste your time.

Special Ruthless Ratings:

  • What other movies have you ever turned off: When I was ten-years-old I think I shut off the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. My first recorded act of Ruthlessness.
  • Any other movies: I think I just slipped into a coma.