The Astounding She-Monster (1957)

• Cold War hysteria or Atomic Age menace✔  (some)
• Stock military film footage totally unrelated to the movie (none)
• Men and women dressed to the hilt ✔ (moderate)
• Beautiful women with big breasts who instantly fall in love with Handsome Men✔ (extreme)
• Blatant sexism and objectification of Women✔ (extreme)
• A bumbling Professor or Doctor with a plan to save the World ✔ (moderate) Geology Professor
• Really, really bad monsters or robots in rubber suits or ridiculous, low-budget, clunky gear (none) Hot woman in yoga suit. 
• High-ranking, befuddled Military Officers with pointers (none)
• Giant Spiders, Bugs, Fish or Lizards that threaten all of civilization (none)
• Cigarette smoking by everyone, except for the Monsters✔ (extreme)

The Astounding She-Creature is not your usual Ruthless Horror Camp 50’s horror flick. Oh, no. As bad as most of these are, let’s make a movie so bad that it eliminates any chance of it being remotely watchable, or so bad that it is good. A wealthy heiress has been kidnapped on her way to a dinner party. The police find her abandoned Cadillac and suspect foul play! There is impossibly horrible narration and very annoying over-the-top music…And then, and then, we have a man, a dog and an Alien woman landing who is dressed in the tightest yoga suit ever imagined. 

The first 15 minutes of this film are so bad that I don’t know if I can continue. The kidnappers’ car breaks down, so they force their way into the Professor’s house (Yes, the man with the dog) with their hostage, the kidnapped woman, a floozy drunk, and the man’s sidekick. It only gets worse. The only way to get through a movie like this one is to identify what part of it is the most annoying and then relentlessly mock it. Is it the total lack of a plot, the wooden and laughable acting, the soul-killing narration, the endless barking of the Lassie look-alike, or the screeching cacophony of the music?

And the winner is? THE BEAR! No, seriously, folks…There is absolutely no explanation for any of this movie. There is no hint of why the alien babe in the yoga suit is on the planet Earth, or for her random hostility (Until it is over, an afterthought). Oh, we finally find out and the Earthlings have really fucked up, just like whoever made this horrible movie.

This film is so poorly made, so randomly inexplicable, and so just downright stupid that watching it will just about make you weep with misery. Any random bunch of low-browed teen-agers working at a Food Court at the Mall could have made a better movie.

Not Rated/10.0 With The Goatesians Rating of the Dumbest 50’s Horror Movie Ever Made

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I Learned From This Horrible Movie

• Now I know what is worse than The Beast of Yucca Flats
• Anything Else? NO.