Team-up movies are the best! Think The Avengers. Deadpool and Wolverine. Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. Well, maybe not that last one. Forget that last one. Forever, preferably. Anyway, Hollywood, listen up, because I just thought of the team-up of the century: John Rambo, John McClane, and Jason Bourne!
Yeah… Let that sink in for a minute… Just imagine: we let them team up just as they are now, after their respective movies. So, John Rambo is pushing seventy, a tired old war machine, living all alone on his farm in Arizona. McClane is in his fifties, still working for the NYPD, and Bourne, well, who knows… he could be anywhere. He could be your next-door neighbor, for all you know.
Plot? Who cares… Bourne uncovers some evil CIA-plan that leads him to New York, and while he is fighting bad guys in some abandoned warehouse, McClane happens to drive by. They team up, only to discover that their opponent is too powerful for them both. What to do? ‘Oh’, thinks McClane, out loud, ‘wait a minute… I’ve heard of this guy, living on a farm somewhere…’ And off they go, Bourne and McClane, to Arizona, to try and convince Rambo to fight with them. One last time, you know. One last job… The dynamic between these three could be that of the mentor-student variety (McClane/Bourne), whereby the old master eventually has to turn to an even older master (Rambo).
George Miller directing. Jan de Bont on camera. Hans Zimmer for the score. Yeah, man! This could be the most awesomest movie ever! I guaran-fucking-tee it! Yippee-ki-yay, motherf…!
I’m sorry. I sometimes get too excited. So, before my editor starts yelling at me that this is not a review, I will now discuss Deadpool & Wolverine for you, in the classic 80’s Action-format. If ever there was a movie that deserves that, it’s this one. Here goes:
Tagline:
Come together
Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
In celebrating the love of men, many must die.
Homoeroticism:
Are you freaking kidding me? Never before has man-on-man love been portrayed more gloriously on the big screen! Well, maybe once or twice before, but I mean damn… If, like the 80s Action Bible says, fighting is fucking, then these two fuck each other’s brains out! Holy crap! The tagline is ‘come together’, for Christ’s sake! There are not one but two glorious and lengthy fight scenes between them, and especially the second one is brilliant.
A Honda Odyssey never before witnessed so much intense, visceral, hard-groaning lovemaking. Throughout the movie, Deadpool and Wolverine exchange smoldering looks and bicker and argue like some old married couple, interspersed with the spontaneous insertion of various stabbing weapons into each other’s bodies and getting tight up to each other. These two are genuinely, truly, exquisitely in love. And just look at all the ways in which the glorious manly physique is displayed in that sequence where Deadpool searches for his Wolverine! The Cavillrine… Oil up, me hearties, yo ho!
Corpse Count:
In the opening sequence Deadpool murders something like twentyfive Time Variant soldiers in under four minutes. Throughout the whole movie some 178 people and mutants perish. This number does not, however, include any fuckery with timelines. See also:
Click the “Watch on YouTube” to watch video
Novelty Deaths:
Oh, yeah! It’s clear throughout the movie that this crew had a lot of fun answering the question ‘how many original ways to kill someone?’ So:
- Getting clubbed, stabbed, sliced, dismembered, gutted, decapitated, emasculated, and, how shall we put this… ‘impaled right up main street’, by various parts of an adamantium skeleton.
- Getting your timeline temporarily and partly erased and then restored by the Time Variant Authority? Does that kill you? I don’t know, man! I’m not Stephen Hawking! Damn, this is hard…
- A bunch of B-grade superheroes also gets killed in all matter of original ways, but they’re mutants, so that doesn’t count…
- Getting vaporized at an atomic level by two streams of matter and anti-matter.
- Sadly, I can’t count all the delightful ways in which Deadpool Prime and Wolverine shoot, stomp, slaughter, hack, kick, and slice all the other Deadpools, because they regenerate! Except Nicepool, of course. Poor Nicepool.
- So, just the one, then: getting shot with a gazillion bullets of all sorts of different calibers, and also a poison dart, for several minutes, until finally your head gets shot off.
- Getting your skin ripped off by an Omega-class mutant. (see also:)
Pre- AND Post-Mortem One-Liner:
Not so much a one-liner, as such, but more of a pre-mortem tirade. Once inside Cassandra’s liar, Deadpool starts accusing Johnny Storm of saying all sorts of horrible things about her when they were captured. Johnny denies fiercely, of course, but Cassandra Nova nonetheless rips his skin clean off, after which his bones and organs clatter to the ground with a very satisfying, wet, squishy sound. Funny enough as that is, the true genius comes in the post-credits scene, where Deadpool shows the audience a recording that was apparently made in their prisoner transport pod:
- Johnny Storm: “In the Void, you’re either food for Alioth or you work for her.”
- Deadpool: “Go on, Johnny.”
- Johnny Storm: “And I’ll tell you who ‘her’ is: Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic asshole. A finger-licking, dead-inside pixie slab of third-rate dime-store nut milk. And I’ll tell you what she can do.”
- Deadpool: “I’m listening.”
- Johnny Storm: “She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don’t give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon. If the last thing I do in this godforsaken cum-gutter existence is light that fuck-box on fire, I still won’t die happy! That’s right, Wade. I won’t be happy until I’ve urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk fucked the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut’s juggernuts…. And you can quote me.”
Thanks, Johnny. I will.
Other quotes and one-liners:
Oh, so, so many… Just a brief selection:
- “I’m about to lose everything that I’ve ever cared about because that hairy thundercunt from down undercunt finally dies, and he’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”
- “What’s your superpower; is it parallel parking?”
- “I made an educated wish.”
- “When I want your opinion, I’ll take Wolverine’s dick out of your mouth!”
- “Put your greasy tits away, you preening slut.”
- “When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was making a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete!”
- Deadpool: “Why are you so nice?”
- Nicepool: “It costs nothing to be kind.”
- Wolverine: “Shutting the fuck up is also free.”
- Wolverine: “You know what? You’re a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn’t take you. Or the X-Men, and they’ll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my entire life, and that says a lot ’cause I’ve been alive for more than 200 fucking years. And I’ll tell you, that bald chick was right about one thing: you will never save the world! You couldn’t even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper! And motherfucker, I wish I could say you’d die alone, but it’s one of God’s best jokes that you can’t die, except that’s on ALL OF US!”
- Deadpool: “I’m going to fight you now.”
Was There An Atomic Blast At The End?
No, there wasn’t ,but Deadpool almost lost his entire timeline. Does that count? (Editor’s Note: No, it doesn’t.)
What You Learned:
Good looks are a poor substitute for regenerative healing powers.
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