THE FUTURE – Take The Miranda July Quiz!

More than ever, America needs Miranda July. She’s the Post-it note solution for our alienation; the moaning mantra for our collective despair. Whenever tragedy beckons, or our loneliness threatens to send us careening into a pit of unconscionable grief, I remember that we are but a pillow fight away from casting our cares into oblivion. We are all strangers, yes, but needn’t be. Talk it out, work it out, and hug away the madness. And now, as if on cue, we have her latest vision. The Future is more than How We Live Now, or Where We Are Going, it is the cinematic equivalent of our morning coffee; our wake-up call to rub the sleep from our eyes and find our center. Our Polly Positivity to say that yes, you too can rent an apartment in downtown Los Angeles without any visible means of support. How life can change on a dime if you just write it down and stick it to a wall. Where dancing deposes dictators, or spooning just might provide the final spark for revolution. But like all that is good for us, there’s a bit of bitter medicine to swallow. So kids, pencils ready. Let’s see how much you remember about the movie:

1. Miranda July is thin – very thin. Like, 11-year-old boy thin. As such, her breasts remind you most of:

a) mosquito bites

b) deflated balloons

c) infected earlobes

d) Selma Blair

 

2. Miranda July plays Sophie, while Hamish Linklater is her boyfriend, Jason. Like all monotone, violently uninteresting Southern Californians, they share a ritual or two. Upon waking up in the morning, what does Sophie say to Jason?

a) “Hey, person.”

b) “Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.”

c) “Rise and shine, monkeylamb.”

d) “There are perfectly rational people in Hollywood willing to fund my movies.”

 

3. Like most adults in their mid-thirties, Sophie and Jason decide to adopt a cat to ease their troubles, insisting, however, that the cat have less than six months to live, because a larger commitment would be much too daunting. What is the name of this fortunate feline?

a) Goob-Goob

b) Paw-Paw

c) Ploopie

d) Morris Morris MacKenzietush

 

4. The cat is unavailable for thirty days, so Sophie and Jason have exactly that long to prepare for this big change in their lives. Logically, they quit their jobs in order to explore what life has to offer. How does Jason choose to spend his time?

a) going door-to-door selling trees

b) scanning the Penny Saver for a $3 hair dryer, which will introduce him to an eccentric old man

c) telling Sophie in a limp, half-dead voice that he can stop time

d) all of the above

e) none of the above

 

5. And how will Sophie spend her free hours?

a) filming herself doing “30 Days, 30 Dances”, the first of which resembles an epileptic fit

b) calling people at random to tell them about the weather

c) screaming out windows

d) finger-painting with menstrual blood

e) none of the above

f) a & b

g) a, b, & c, not d

h) a & d, not b, but probably c

 

6. There’s a crazy old man afoot, and not only does he spend ten minutes of screen time explaining an old hair dryer, but he’s fond of dirty limericks involving Santa Claus and his penis. Where else does this old man make an appearance?

a) he’s the voice of the moon

b) he’s the voice of the cat

c) he’s Sophie’s long-lost father, and quite possibly her grandmother

d) he pops out of his coffin at a funeral service, only to perform soft-shoe before exploding

 

7. True or False: Jason does eventually stop time. For reals.

 

8. At one point, Sophie informs Jason that they have less than one hour of internet left before service is cut off. Sophie believes they should look up vital information, such as flu warnings. What do they do instead?

a) check their Facebook accounts

b) hunt around Mapquest

c) throw caution to the wind and hit every kiddie porn site not nailed down

d) check for spyware

e) write this screenplay

 

9. On a whim, Sophie calls a stranger and, after asking him what he does for a living, says she’ll yell out the window so that if he hears her, she’ll know he’s in the neighborhood. Where does this phone call lead?

a) Sophie orders a banner from his company, only she has no idea what size it should be or what should be   printed on it

b) Sophie pays him a visit, which leads to sex, dumping Jason, and forgetting about the cat so that it is euthanized, though off-screen, so it’s cool

c) Jason becomes the moon and fucks with the tides

d) all of the above

e) none of the above

 

10. Who or what is “Shirty”?

a) Sophie’s vagina

b) Sophie’s magical t-shirt that becomes a tent-like garment, enabling her to escape from pain and perform bizarre rituals that make her new boyfriend finally say, “This is where I draw the line”

c) the eccentric old man’s ball sack

d) none of the above

e) all of the above

 

11. Okay, so Sophie meets a new man. He has a daughter, Gabriella. How does she spend a typical evening?

a) digging a hole in the backyard, climbing in, and ending up buried to the neck

b) posting art in the animal shelter to enable a meet-cute with Jason

c) being all precocious and shit and saying things like, “He says I’m his cup of tea”

d) being perfectly comfortable with a new mom who freaks out when you touch her face, but is pretty receptive to anal intercourse on the first date

e) all of the above

 

12. True or False: Even though the cat dies, it narrates the movie from heaven

 

13. True or False: To save time, Matt Cale slit his wrists before going to the movie