Comfortable and Furious


You did what now?

Look… there’s no easy way for me to explain this…

Damn straight — what the fuck is the matter with you?

I… I don’t know… I’m approaching middle age? Having a girlfriend
is making me soft? The booze is starting to catch up with me?
Indictment Watch 2005 is distracting me?

None of those are even sort of an excuse… Dude, you enjoyed The Pacifer?!?!?! Get fucked.

It was funny.

How on fucking earth could it be funny!!!!

Well… Vin Diesel stars as Shane Wolfe — he’s a SEAL — and
he has to guard these five snotty kids while their mother is in
Switzerland recovering something from a safety deposit box that
belonged to her dead, genius husband.

I hate you so very much — also, that’s not even kind of funny.

Carol Kane is in the movie.

You’re a moron.

So is Lauren “Fuck Me Santa Fuck Me Santa Fuck Me Santa” Graham.

You suck!

So he explains to the kids that he’s not going to bother learning
their names; he instead starts referring to them as “Red Leader,” “Red
One,” “Read Two,” etc.

You’re fired.

He calls the baby “Red Baby.” Come on…

Dude — it’s a 90 minute poopy-diaper joke! What the fuck is going on with you?

He drives this minivan real fast — and it says “World’s Greatest Mother” on the bumper sticker — get it?



OK — listen. I was expecting the absolute worst. After watching Diesel’s last film, Rotten Shit-Fest,
I was expecting this to be the sequel. Moreover, I thought it would be
totally dumbed down for the chillen’ — like how Disney dumbed down
what’s-her-face’s boobies in the Herbie remake. Instead, The Pacifier is a pretty funny kids’ movie that exceeded my expectations. I mean, it’s better than say The Boondock Saints.

Using someone’s mouth as a toilet on a security camera is better than The Boondock Saints.

OK — that’s true.

So what the fuck are you talking about?

I just found the movie enjoyable. I’ve already forgotten 50% of it
and at weeks end 99% of it will be lost to me — but I am not going to
say it was a bad movie.

Is it true that you dared to ask Matt Cale to stick this in The Shithouse?

Yes, but that was before I had seen it — The Pacifier clearly does not belong in The Shithouse.

I am mortified. Seriously — this is embarrassing. People read Ruthless because… because you are supposed to be motherfucking Ruthless! And you are giving this piece of nonsense a pass?

How do you think I feel? Look, I’m not saying it is a great movie.
It fetishizes the military and shows children that the only way to
succeed in life is through violence — especially when said violence is
directed at minorities; it passes no judgment nor provides any
commentary on upper-middle class suburbia nor parents who have five
fucking children; and it is formulaic moviemaking at its worst — a
paint by numbers script, a predictable plot-twist and enough “whacky”
characters to make little Timmy blow milk through his nose (don’t worry
parents of America — it will be semen soon enough). Still, despite all
the inherent design flaws with the movie, Diesel is good and he has
good chemistry with the kids. It is an enjoyable movie. As Roger Ebert has said repeatedly, “you can make a good movie about anything.”

Dude, Ebert only gave The Pacifier two stars!

Yeah, well, two out of four. I’ll agree with that.

You should be shot.

I’m sorry.

No, you are not.

Forgive me.

No way — hang thyself.