The Slime People (1963)

“From the Bowels of the Earth, Come The Slime People”

No, from the bowels of Hollywood, comes yet another boring, predictable and ridiculous horror movie. This stinker follows a worn-out and stale horror movie trope. When the movie starts, something has already invaded the good ole USA, and the people are either evacuated, dead or somehow gone, with the inevitable stock footage of desolation and destruction. Oh, My. 

A pilot, who has flown his single-prop plane through some sort of atmospheric soup, lands and finds the airfield deserted. He is met up by a 1958 Oldsmobile station wagon (with bad shocks) containing a Professor (imagine that!) and his two ditzy and whining daughters. The Professor, with the acting skills of a cherry clam, explains to the unbelieving passenger what has happened.

“Dad, why does all this always have to happen to us?” 

Apparently, the Slime People are not aliens, but have been living underground indefinitely. Now, with the nuclear activity, their habitat has been compromised, and they must come above ground! That is right. They are big, they are slimy and scaly, and they carry big POINTED STICKS! With these sticks and their fog that they somehow create, they are able to totally defeat the U.S. military. 

Well, Tom the pilot is also a newscaster, so this crew escapes the Slime People, who they actually show, so this is a plus…They Escape to the news station. There, they are met by Cal, the cowardly marine, who played dead to avoid the Slime People, while his comrades in arms were being killed by the monsters. And, of course, after barricading themselves inside, Bonnie falls instantly in love with Cal, completing the obligatory love interest in these stupid movies. And, Tom and Lisa get it on as well, while the Professor looks on and smokes another cigarette. 

Yes, the Professor. A goofy old twat who constantly wears a cheap-looking hat, and with his pencil, notepad and length of rope (plus a few chemicals) thinks he can thwart the Slime People who just defeated the entirety of the U.S. Military. While watching this, I am hoping and praying for his painful and horrible death. 

Not going to happen. So, the Professor and his gaggle of Idiots go out to the countryside to try to somehow penetrate the fog. They try silicone, they try potassium, nope! We don’t have enough chemicals, and here come the monsters. Run Away! Run Away!  I’m not even going to mention the unhinged derelict with a goat as a girl-friend that they picked up on the way. Whoops! Too late! Well, they speed away from the monsters in their cars, putting miles between them, but what do they do? In typical horror movie fashion, they abandon the cars and hole up in a butcher shop. I mean, why not?

Now, because of the incredibly stupid and cowardly Jarhead Cal, Bonnie is captured and dragged off by one of the Slime People, screaming like a wounded wolverine, to their headquarters (Headquarters? Yes, the Professor actually said that), yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” for about 15 minutes. 

That is about all I’m going to disclose about this movie. It is just bad, bad, bad and more bad. The only redeeming quality is that at least they had the guts to show the monsters early on in the movie. The last 24 minutes of the movie were devoted to Tom and the Idiot Cal trying to find Bonnie and the main headquarters! When they found her, I was fantasizing about her being bound with barbed-wire and gagged with rotting horse testicles, but it was not to be.

Free to view on YouTube at PizzaFlix

1.0/10.0 With The Goatesians Rating of Just Blark

…………………………………….

Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I Learned from The Slime People

• The Kryptonite for the Slime People is NaCl, one of the most abundant compounds on Earth, and they lived on Earth. 
• In horror movies, if you hole up in a sub-zero meat locker, you will not get cold or be able to see your breath
• If you encounter an old derelict holding a goat, don’t let him into your vehicle. 
• The number of beers that it would take to make this movie watchable: North of 24
• Even though the Slime Monsters were shown early on to be impervious to bullets the idiots kept on firing at them. When they did kill one of the beasts, with the beast’s own spear, they left it on the ground, and again picked up their guns.
• Continuing with the last bullet point: Tom & Cal continue to look for the screaming Bonnie. They actually both state that nothing will stop the monsters except the chemicals, even after just killing one 2 minutes ago with the monster’s own spear.
• Would you rather be baptized at a tent revival in Kansas in July than watch this movie again: Yes
• Porterhouse Steaks were 89¢ a lb. when this movie was made, according to the sign at the Butcher Shop. This was the only thing I found interesting about this rotting reel of celluloid, masquerading as a horror flick.