Virtually everyone is familiar with the ancient and hackneyed expression of “Just leave well enough alone”. Well, that is, everyone but Hollywood film makers. Driven by greed, hubris and the need to whore the latest new faces, Hollywood has always been compelled to ride the coat-tails of existing great movies and classics, usually with disastrous and unwatchable results.
This list is in no particular order, and again paring such a robust field of stinkers is no easy task, so leave your picks down in the comments below. And yes, sequels usually suck as well, but that is for another list.
The links and pictures below are for the original movies. I will not honor the imposters. And yes, before the former forumites freak out, I know that there are 11 entries in this Top 10. Too bad. A baker’s dozen -2.
Double Indemnity (1973) Not just no, but Hell No! Even with a good cast, Jack Smight destroyed what is arguably the greatest film noir, as well as one of the most iconic films of all time with his made for TV failure.
The Flight of the Phoenix (2004) The original was a masterpiece. Grizzled, sandy and sweaty, all men. In the remake we have a woman, a black, a gay a Jew and a cripple. Why?
The Wicker Man (2006) The remake was a lumbering and laughable disaster. Scorned by professional critics and users alike, this is one of the worst remakes ever.
The Lion in Winter (2003) As if the insult by The Academy was not enough, Peter O’Toole had to endure the reality of this remake. Not even Patrick Stewart could rescue this clunker from obscurity.
The African Queen (1977) Warren Oates? Yes, an enjoyable character actor, for sure. But, what were they thinking? Going against Hepburn and Boogie?
The Lion King (2019) The original movie is one of the most loved and cherished animated movies ever made. I was pretty straightforward in my brutal review. One word, “Avoid”.
Psycho (1998) This is much worse than just a poor imitation. It is a crime against Hitchcock and one of his best movies. Just a boring and insanely incompetent remake. About as enjoyable as a dog eating its own vomit.
Planet of the Apes (2001) Charlton Heston said it best at the end of the original movie. “You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
Oldboy (2013) Korean film is superior. Oldboy cannot be duplicated, but for some reason they tried. Fail.
The Poseidon Adventure (2005) I’m sure that the mere existence of this remake keeps Matt Cale awake at night. Two Words: Hackman/Borgnine. Enough said, except be sure to read Matt’s several reviews of one of his favorites.
Robocop (2014) Vandel did not mince words: “You know, I really can’t figure out why they even bothered to call this movie “RoboCop”. It’s one thing to change the story around the character, but it’s another thing to change the character himself. At some point, you’ve so fundamentally changed the nature of the character that it’s something else entirely.” “Once again: What the fuck?”
Honorable Mention:
Ghostbusters, Amityville Horror, Bad News Bears, and too many others to mention.
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