You Only Live Twice: James Bond Capsule

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A floating carapace, protecting its human cargo from the penetrating force of cosmic radiation, is swallowed whole by a giant bullet. A spacewalking astronaut, tethered to the mothership by an umbilical chord, is lost to the void. Like Huckleberry Finn before him, Bond fakes his own death. He dies doing what he loves. A stormy wind ariseth: which lifteth up the waves thereof, his soul melteth away because of the trouble, to be turned into corruption. Very truly, I tell you, Bond is reborn.

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British naval officers wear shorts. Bond, a noted scholar, is launched out of a torpedo tube, emerges Crusoelike from the sea. Tokyo is a neon forest. To blend in with the locals, Bond meets a contact at a sumo wrestling competition. Bond’s code phrase is ‘I love you’ but it must be said with true feeling. He only stays for one fight. Bond deals with an englishman that had gone native, seeing in his eyes a certain madness. After accepting a beverage, Bond is told that it was stirred, not shaken. He says ‘yes, that’s right.’ Japanese walls are made from pressed cherry blossoms. Bond stimulates glands only found in certain women.

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Bond likes saki (pronounced sacky), downs a flute of champagne (pronounced champane), impresses them with his booze knowledge. The head of Japanese intelligence opens his home to Bond and as if on cue a string of seminude women appear. In Japan, as a rule, men come first. It takes four women to bathe Bond, to remove uncleanliness. Bond selects the most sexyful masseuse. He arrives early to the scene of the crime. Idling along without encumbrances, Bond casually rains down blows upon a group of stevedores. Bond transforms himself into an unconvincing Sonny Chiba to lead an undercover ninja army to infiltrate a false volcano. Piranhas remain insatiable. Henchmen don color coded uniforms, signifying various levels of neck thickness. The villain’s plan slowly disintegrates into a kind of grand gesture of defeat. By this point the loss has become highly ritualized. He plays his part, waiting for its future replenishment.



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