January 2005

Man… this has been a tough one. What a year 2004 was. Besides the obvious ills of Tsunami and war, we saw the defeat of the Enlightenment, horrid amounts of fascistic rhetoric pouring out from the USA, hypocrisy running unchecked (not just FOX News’ bullshit “Fair and Balanced” smokescreen, but “Tough on Drugs Limbaugh’s” outing as a junkie), the popular return of beheadings as a political device, genocide, the Green Bay Packers losing at home in the playoffs to the hated Vikings–you just think of something bad and odds are it happened in 2004. And I have to pick just one Cocksucker!?! Basically, that’s an impossible task. Or at least an impossible task for a brain such as mine.

I’ll tell you who the leading candidate was up until January rolled around: Bob Shrum. “Who?” I hear you asking. Maybe if I refer to him as 0-8 Bob Shrum it might give you a better idea. Yes my friends, Shrum is the guy who has managed to lose every presidential campaign he has ever worked on. Every single one, going all the way back to Eugene McCarthy in 1972. So, that’s McCartney, Carter, Mondale, Dukakis, Gore and now Kerry. Hmmm… that’s only six. Whatever, he lost a bunch and obviously he’s just a perennial fucking idiot, yet Our Man Kerry still hired him to fuck things again up in 2004. Always remember that Kerry and Shrum were running against the most hubris filled moron since Hitler and they still managed to lose like total assholes…

But is it totally Shrum’s fault? I mean, don’t Kerry and that weasel sidekick of his, John “Nice Hair, Asshole” Edwards, have a hand in all this? And what about Karl “I’m Batman” Rove and his Machiavellian behind the scenes machinations which helped to convince the very stupidest among us (which, in this country, is apparently everybody living east of the highway I-5 and west of the Jersey Turnpike) that two men getting married is more important than the biggest inflation-adjusted deficit in the history of our country. More important than the most unjust war since Napoleon decided to take Moscow, let a lone Vietnam. More important than the severe restrictions of our basic liberties–liberties which are sure to get ever more fuckered now that tWit most likely gets to appoint at least one Supreme Court Justice. More important than the privatization of every fucking thing Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson and even Nixon worked so hard for so long to build. Ass-sex is very, very bad, apparently.

And then there is tWit himself. Fill in the blank on this motherfucker. Every word out of his mouth–if it isn’t stammered or confused–is a damn lie. I mean, besides executing more people in four years than any other modern US governor… look you’ve heard it all before. Worst President Ever. Actually, as George Soros said, and I’ll just paraphrase here; immediately after 9/11 we had the sympathy of the entire world. Within three years, due to massive deception, saber rattling, unprovoked war and just general assholishness we are now more feared and hated than any country on earth. Way to go, dickhead! Speaking of dicks, Cheney is of course implicated in all this. Up to his tits!

Please don’t think I’m wussing out. There is just so much good competition that it is hard to pick just one. I mean, I really wanted to go with Shrum, as much as I wanted to go with Richard Lind, a Cocksucker of the highest order who will be the subject of a future month’s installment. Oh, he’s the head of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission and is really, maybe the scariest motherfucker walking the earth today. Seriously, I heard this asshole on Fresh Air two weeks ago explaining how Iraq is a “just war” because of the weapons of mass destruction and links to Al Queda.

In the end though, there is no way to narrow it down to just one Cocksucker. So, in the best tradition of our country I present to you the 2004 Cocksucker of the Year: The Unknown Cocksucker. Much like the Unknown Soldier, the Unknown Cocksucker is meant to represent all who have suffered and lost. Er, I guess in this case it is meant to represent all who have caused suffering and loss. In the 2004 that suffering and those losses have been great; for our country, our land, our air, trust between individuals, families torn apart by longer hours and stagnant wages, unaffordable healthcare, the rescinding of basic freedoms, hatred of other cultures, an embracing of ignorance and superstition, the lives lost worldwide due to oil lust and religious fanaticism, the consolidation of information, the near-complete dismantling of the Great Society, the introduction of religion everywhere in public life, the near complete dismantling of Roe vs. Wade, renewed interest and adherence to censorship, turning our backs on honest to goodness genocide (again), Brett Favre throwing four interceptions at Lambeau–an endless list I’m afraid, and I have only begun scratching at the surface. That is why for 2004, I can only present to you the Unknown Cocksucker. Jebus help us…