Australia is shitloads better than America

Ding Ding..Round one

Bigger is not always better, particularly when you want to compare America to Australia.

From taking the piss, to our superior barbeque skills. from AC/DC to real football, Australia has America covered. Our comedians are funnier, our actors are better and our authors are more literate. To be up front, you Yankies have a lot of catching up to do. We kick US ass on pretty much everything that counts really.

You can claim Space research if you want…. that’s made you lots of money so far hasn’t it?

You pay for some monkey to go to mars, take photo’s and check if there was water there once upon a time. Even better, your latest theory is to mine asteroids for stupidium, which will go onto become the next big metal age and change the world….. I’m tipping you will be long gone when all that pays off.

Don’t the Chinese tell you what to spend their money on anyways so you just have to do as you are told, discretely of course.

On the flipside here in Australia, we pay for an elderly woman to have a hip replacement in her 80’s. She has contributed all her life to society, probably making awesome spaghetti sauce and been a genuine contributor to the human race as a whole.

Which sits better with your conscience? Compassion isn’t one of your strong points. In fact, if you were all lollipops, you would to lick yourselves to death.

You don’t even compete in alternate stuff like the world’s deadliest animal count, despite the fact that you are bigger and mostly inhabitable… very inhabitable.

Here in Australia, our dollar is called a dollar. I hear your dollar has changed its name to peso for now, maybe just a transition into being called a yen.

Moving on..

Comparing national sports…..

Australian Rules football, AFL is by far a better sport than NFL.

The average Australian footballer runs more than 15 kilometres a game (9.32 miles for you imperial clowns), mostly at high speed. The average NFL footballer would eat 15 donuts a game.

Fatties don’t get a look in over here. Our fatties do shotput or discus or sun-bake topless….. they don’t play “football” for millions of peso’s a year. Bottom line is you encourage them, we don’t.

Another mute point, Australian footballers all actually touch and kick the football, each game they play. Playing “football” for a decade, never touching it and then getting put into the hall of fame of football is just so fucking dumb it’s beyond me to even think of commentating on. You’re just so stupid.

I’ll summarize now, because I’m getting my goat up, Australian footballers can all run and jump and catch and kick. Does your typical NFL player look like he could do even just one of those things, let alone all of them?

To mix it up and throw in a short solid jab, Horse-racing is the sport of kings, you don’t have one of these queens either do you……

Music Comparisons…..

No way does American music come remotely close to the sweet sound of Acadaca in full force. (AC/DC for you Yankie lamelites). I bet none of your artists, even Elvis Costello, can play the bagpipes like our late great Bon Scott.

We have One dimension covered, we just don’t do boy bands, it’s un-Australian. We have man-bands, that play real musical instruments and actually sing.

To be clear, we don’t think synchronized mime-dancing is music.

Knocking down a few neat scotch’s then smashing out a man-song in a pub full of like-minded people,or ..trying to work out which shade of red lipstick suits this lighting… hmmm?

Killer animal count ….

Australia has killer spiders, killer jellyfish, killer octopi, even killer fish that camouflage themselves as stones for the unsuspecting human to just do the dance of death on. (I don’t know of any fish that have been killed by them, but there’s probably a few dumb ones that migrated from the US that have)

We have killer everything. You can get eaten by a shark or a croc or both at the same time easy enough, you can even get beaten up by one of our coat of arms.

The options are endless.

These killer things don’t live in inhabitatsville, either. They hang around and live with us, as demonstrated in the photo below.

This baby brown was hanging around a few feet away from one of my workers in January of this year. (Number 2 on the worlds deadliest snakes scale, another Aussie, the Taipan, is number one obviously). Notice how I use imperial descriptions for your retarded convenience.

Unfortunately, Eastern Brown snakes are very family oriented creatures and 8 foot Daddy brown has been sighted cruising through our carpark to the bush on morning shift change, keeping us all on our toes.

Thinking about it though, I’d be pissed of if I found my young fella with his head cut off too. (we nail our kills to either our front fence, or a close tree, probably to remind them of their inferiority, but mostly for our own egos…we’ve done no research on whether the snake family is pissed off finding their headless children nailed up out in public and what their reaction to it would be if they just disappeared….hmmm).

On the flip side, from what I gather this is one of your deadliest inhabitants. The comparison is laughable…

Onto fake countrymen….

Whilst it may seem that on the outset we might “claim” other nationalities as our own, the true fact is, foreigners who make it, want to be known as Australian. They claim us, not the other way around.

I give Russell Crowe, Phar Lap, Bryce Courtney and Dale Begg-Smith as just a few examples.

Smithy won a gold medal for Australia at the 2006 Winter Olympics for Christ sakes, so its not like he was going to miss out playing for Canada if he wanted to…. he came to us.

The only Aussie of any note to become an American is Sir Rupert, and that was because you forced him to and it just wasn’t commercially possible for him to resist.