With: Carlos Castaneda, Erich von Däniken, and L. Ron Hubbard
Moderator: Gentlemen? A brief introduction, if you will?
CC: (Dressed in self-made hemp clothes, covered in buttons, smiley faces, and peace signs, sitting in Madame Starwater’s big, creaking rattan chair) Well, hello there…! My name is Carlos, and I welcome you to this plane of existence! I wrote a bunch of books in the sixties and early seventies about the lessons I received from Don Juan, a Mexican shaman, and how we – tripping on peyote, jimsonweed, and other yummy things – discovered what this reality really is! Yes! And they even gave me a PhD for it! Sure, it was all bollocks, but hey… at least it was bollocks with a heart, okay! And yes, I eventually started a little cult where I made young women shave their heads, change their names, and sexually submit to me… but wouldn’t you? Yeah, you would!
Evon D: (dressed in a three-piece suit from Walmart, covered in cut-out Brioni tags, sitting in an Ikea chair with a Herman Miller sign duct-taped to it) Hello. Yes. My name is Doctor von Däniken. Yes. I also wrote some popular humbug that also came out in 1968 and made me hugely popular! Hm. Yes. Indeed. But instead of that so-called “spiritual” wishy-washy from my so-called “colleague” here, I, Doctor von Däniken, did actual scientific research! Yes, I did! I went to Egypt and everything! I looked at those big, pointy things in the desert and thought: No way, man! No way they built that themselves! So… aliens! Hm. Yes. Doctor, is what I am… Sure, I eventually got arrested for fraud and embezzlement and spent a year in the slammer… but wouldn’t you? Yeah… maybe probably not.
LRon H: (dressed in Tom Cruise’s lubbering green-and-purple striped socks, John Travolta’s not-so-tighty-whities (!!!), and… not much else, really, swinging from the chandelier)
Money, get away!
Get a good job with good pay and you’re okay!
Money, it’s a gas!
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash!
Moderator: Right… uhm… Mr. Castaneda? Why don’t you tell us some more about your worldview, please, if you will, sir?
CC: But, of course! You see, what Don Juan taught me, while we were hovering some 40 inches above the Mexican desert at night, with a full moon, and also some catusses (cacti? That sounds weird, doesn’t it? Kek-Tai? Sounds like a karate chop or something… Kek-TAI! Yeah, man… Bruce Lee, and whatnot… in his little yellow jumpsuit… Did you know that Tarantino got his inspiration for The Bride’s outfit from that very movie? He really did! As a kid, he was this huge fan, you know, of all those Asian chop-suey flicks, and…)
Moderator: Uh… Sir? Mr. Castaneda?
CC: Hm…?
Moderator: Oh, forget it… Mr. von Däniken, sir?
Evon D: Hm. Yes. I understand. But what my so-called “colleague” here fails to grasp is: what about the Nazca Lines? Hm? Did he ever consider THOSE in his strange ramblings? No, he did not! And the Tellurian incident? Huh? What about that? So, I guess what I mean to say is that, while it certainly DOES fit into the realm of scientific possibility that the pyramids WERE, in fact, built by ordinary, boring humans, I, the Doctor, can NOT stress HEAVILY enough, however, that we MUST consider that, in all actual and thoroughly, by yours truly investigated and corroborated scientific FACT, yes, our gods may or may not – but probably may – be aliens. Hm. Yes. Indeed. You can still buy my books at Amazon! Only 1.95! Shop now!
Moderator: (looking around) Uh… Mr. Hubbard? Where are… Oh, there you are! Won’t you…
LRon H: (hiding behind Carlos’s rattan chair while forcefully trying to cram his microphone up his… well, his back entrance, so, slightly muffled) Show-Me-The-MONEY!
Moderator: Right… Gentlemen… would you care to comment on each other’s… uh… observations?
CC, to Evon D: You, sir, are a money-grubbing, pseudoscientific fraud and charlatan!
Evon D: No, YOU, sir, are a money-grubbing, pseudoscientific fraud and charlatan!
CC: No, I’m not!
Evon D: Yes, you are!
CC: Nuh-uh!
Evon D: DUH-uh!
LRon H: (while actually trying to bite Mr. Castaneda’s ear) Money for nothing and your chicks for free!
CC: Hey! Cut it out!
Moderator: Gentlemen, gentlemen… would you… please… oh, fock it… (walks away…)
CC: (whispering) You have it all wrong. It is only in the shadow of the planes of reality that we can find inner guidance, because the eternal light from the spheres of Abolony shines upon us all. But it is only through us naguals, the shone-upon seers of this generation, the Shaman from the Absolute and Bestower of All Things, that you – mere spirits of light and dust that you are – can ever hope to transcend onto the higher planes of existence and true understanding. And when I die, you should all commit suicide and follow me into the afterlife. Yes.
Evon D: (shouting) The pyramids were built from moondust! They compacted it using microwaves that bounced off the surface of the sun! Yeah, they did! And I can prove it! Because Rasputin said in his writings about Nostradamus while channeling Edgar Cayce that the Incas actually imported Uluru from Mars through the astral plane, and painted it red so the wallabies wouldn’t run into it! Because they are stupid! What? No, not the Incas! Wallabies! And I can prove it!
LRonH: (while banging his head into the studio wall, and, also, urinating a little)
Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man’s world
Aha!
Moderator:(while standing outside, smoking a cigarette with the cameraman, sounds of screaming and breaking glass in the background): Djeez! What a bunch of morons! I’m glad I’m a grand ole Christian. At least my god is REAL.
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