I just finished yet another road trip from Colorado to Memphis. Normally, I just try to avoid eating at fast food joints, and pack my cooler with drinks, chicken wings, a meat stick (not Slim Jim’s, but decent stuff like Bridgeford or Hillshire) and maybe boiled eggs.
However, on my way back, I decided to visit a couple of famous joints for breakfast and dinner. I know better, and I try hard to not get involved with the locals, but sometimes it is just a historical inevitability.
Here is what happened.
Scenario #1, Waffle House Chronicles: No Unreasonable Substitutions Edition (Location: Conway, Arkansas)
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Waffle Houses have been legend for their drama, public human fails, and violence.
I had left Memphis and after a few hours of driving, I decided that it was time for some brunch. I was just looking for something like a McDonald’s sausage and biscuit, but spotted a clean looking Waffle House that was not crowded, so I decided to stop. After I sat down and ordered breakfast, a young Black Man came in and was placing an order for a breakfast combo to take out.
He ordered, but he demanded that he wanted to substitute biscuits and gravy for the waffle that usually came with the combo.
He went on a tirade about how ALL other Waffle Houses allowed this substitution. The server told him that this was not the case at this Waffle House. Things got ugly in a hurry and the customer got louder and more belligerent with every minute. The manager was summoned, but things continued to escalate as the server was disrespected by his abusive rhetoric.
I decided to intervene, as I did not want my peaceful meal ruined by this jerk. I got up, went to the counter and confronted him. I said, “Look, maybe you might want to consider a different approach”. Here is what I did and said to the server.
“Hello, my name is Mr. Shelby, how are you today, Lucricia? I would like to place a take-out order for your breakfast combo, but I have a favor to ask. I would like to subsitute the biscuits and gravy for the waffle. I love your biscuits and gravy, so I would appreciate you doing this for me. If there is an extra charge, I understand. Usually at other Waffle Houses, they have done this for me, but I realize that this house may have a different policy. I really appreciate you doing this for me.”
Lucricia: “Sure, Mr. Shelby, we will be glad to do this for you.
[And here comes the dagger]
I then paid for Mr. Jerk’s bill and sat down to eat my breakfast, which had just arrived. The guy was standing in the corner in shock, like he had just been tased with reality and truth. He got his order and could not leave that place fast enough. Hopefully he was able to embrace this concept: If you want someone to help you, being an abusive jerk will never help your cause.
Scenario #2 Arby’s: Will God Provide For His Starving Minions Edition?(Location: Guthrie, Oklahoma)
This Arby’s was located within a Love’s Travel Plaza, so after gassing up, I decided to stop for a supper sandwich. After I was finishing up my roast beef sammich (with Horsey Sauce, of course), a scraggly family of 4 slipped in the the booth next to mine. The younger of the two boys was crying, so on my way to dump my trash, I asked him what was wrong. He blurted out, “We are hungry and don’t have any money.”
Without hesitation, I told him that I would like to help, and proceeded to go back to the counter and order 4 sandwiches, 4 orders of fries and 4 drinks. While filling the drinks, I could already hear the adulations of the woman, who was speaking and shrieking in tongues, about how God had answered their prayers by sending “manna from heaven” to provide for them. She was carrying on with the embarrassing incantations reminiscent of The Prayer Warrior, but with fewer teeth.
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I approached cautiously and set the tray of food down at the adjacent booth. I gave the boys their food first, and instructed them to start eating, as the blessing could wait…I wanted to have a word with Mommy & Daddy first. I looked the woman in the eye and said,
“God has nothing to do with this, I purchased the food with my money, because no one needs to go hungry in this country, and it was the right thing to do.”
The woman recoiled in shock, as if I had just assaulted her. “What?” she said, “Don’t you believe in God and his miracles?” “No”, I replied, “People help other people, and prayer is useless”. She then got dowright hostile, and asked me if I was some sort of evil atheist or Satanist. Her husband tried to stop the bleeding, but she carried on with her attack and it was getting downright ugly.
I decided that I had had enough, so I picked up the tray with the remaining 2 meals on it, went to the trash can and dumped the sandwiches, fries and drinks into the garbage. I returned to the booth, sat down the empty tray and said,
“O.K., now pray to your God to provide for you, and fill this tray.“
I turned on heel and left as the boys were finishing up the meal that I had provided. No gods seen or required.
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