Comfortable and Furious


Or, “8 Simple Things I Hate About Television”

I heard on the Phil Hendrie show that the Networks are going conservative and nostalgic with their new line up due to 9-11. In other words, the inane, smug, condescending, fucking filth like “Step By Step” and “Full House” is headed back to your living room in the form of shows like this one. At least the victims of the attacks didn’t die in vain, eh?

There are several things wrong with this show. One is that it isn’t The Simpsons. Another is that the show is about John Ritter’s teenage daughters and it’s called “Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter. A third problem is that the show is idiotic and unfunny. Also, it’s inane, smug, condescending, fucking filth.

The whole thing is about this father who becomes a stay at home dad and is obsessed with stifling his daughters’ sexuality. You get Dialog like this.

Dad: You’re not wearing that outside of the house! (audience laughs)

Teenage Daughter: Why daddy? It’s just a skirt! (audience laughs).

Dad: Skirt?! It looks more like a very small piece of cloth! I can see your knees! (audience laughs)

Teenage Daughter: But daaa-aaaad, I want to dress like Britney Spears! (audience laughs)

Dad: Whatever happened to dressing like Gloria Swanson?! (audience members nod their empty heads in agreement)

Now this show could be very funny, if the episodes were called “Daddy, I fucked the The Broncos” or “Bukake for Bridget.” John Ritter’s catch phrase could be a high pitched “What?!!”

Sample Dialog.

Dad: What’s this I found while I was digging through your purse, like a good Christian Dad?

Teenage Daughter: Omigod, are you like stupid or something? It’s lube dad!

Dad: What?!!

Teenage Daughter: How else am I supposed to do double anal?

Dad: What?!!!

Teenage Daughter: Not everybody is like, some repressed Republican with a cock the size of a tube of lipstick dad! The guy’s I fuck could like so never fit two dicks in my ass without lube!

Dad: What?!!

Teenage Daughter: And, like, don’t get me started on how much of that stuff I have to use for a Portuguese Brown Eye.

Dad: What?!!

In other words, if this show could be great if it was a parody of the hackneyed conventions and vile belief systems it works from. Jonny had another idea. He wants to do a version of this show where the girls are Siamese twins and one is a Born Again Christian and the other is a slut. The Christian is the hot one, and she shouts scripture at whoever’s fucking her ugly sister.

I have no idea why ABC is promoting this show so heavily. Is there a single sentient being that doesn’t realize that it will soon be canceled? There is one stroke of brilliance from a marketing perspective. All of those fish stick eating middle American family-types can tune in to watch, ostensibly to be reassured in their small-mindedness, which will allow dad to ogle the teenaged daughters with impunity. He can laugh and say “see there, that’s the way to do things proper,” as he imagines spanking the young starlets with a bible while they blow him. Legions of horny dads with ugly wives and no access to porn saying “Hey kids, it’s time for our favorite show!” is Daughter‘s only hope of success.

Oh, and call me what you will, but I like John Ritter. Too bad this show sucks. [Ed Note: You’re a donkey]