Season Premiere: ÂSomethinÂs StinkinÂ in the House of FlavÂ
The Man: Flavor Flav, member of Public Enemy, wearer of pink suits, royal robes, jeweled crowns, giant clock necklaces, heart-shaped glasses, top hats, and Viking helmets; in possession of the worldÂs largest martini glass.
The Women: Toastee, Buckeey, Wire, Nibblz, Somethin, Hood, EyeÂz, Tiger, Beatuful, Bootz, Like Dat, Choclate, Spunkeey, Payshintz, Krazy, Buckwild, H-Town, Bamma, and Deelishis.
The Game: Get drunk, flirt, fight, shake that ass, scream, get up in that, howl, and finesse your way into FlavÂs heart because this time, heÂs looking for real love.
The Talk: ÂNo more gold diggers!Â — Flav
ÂI donÂt trust none of them whores.Â — Hood (I think)
(while praying) ÂLord, please forgive me for beatinÂ this bitch ass today.Â — Sapphire
ÂYou better stop interrupting my prayers before God direct me to whup your ass.Â — Sapphire (before being thrown out for fighting)
ÂI ainÂt skinny, but I ainÂt fat, and thatÂs all I got to give.Â — Like Dat
ÂYou could have a picnic on her ass, for real!Â — Flav
ÂFor the record, I have no gag reflex.Â — Nibblz
ÂYes, I would lick a pussy!Â — Somethin
ÂMy last three kids was by a fine Latino woman.Â — Flav
For each and every one of these ninety minutes, I never strayed from the belief that I was witnessing the greatest show in the history of television. Despite trying to take notes, I was interrupted no less than a dozen times with fits of laughter so intense that my eyes gushed tears. My stomach hurt, my nose ran, and the sweat on my neck, face, and chest could, for once, not be attributed to the summer heat. True, the showÂs portrayal of the African American community is so barbaric that if Jesse Helms and David Duke were given absolute power mere minutes after the repeal of the 13th and 14th Amendments, they could not inflict more damage. Every recent, ancient, and future stereotype about black women is not only cultivated and reinforced, but celebrated with champagne-sipping glee. Never in my life have I seen more butt-slapping, tit-jiggling madness in an opening segment, and I had yet to see the topper involving a particularly sassy chickÂs no-nonsense drop of an actual turd on the stairs. Yes, a grown woman took a shit on the floor before running to the bathroom, dripping even more excrement as she went.
I could offer some somber lesson from McLuhan or Murrow, wagging my finger at how far weÂve fallen and where weÂre headed, but that would be pure hypocrisy. Instead, it struck me boldly, forcefully, and with profound joy: America wasnÂt great because of its purple mountainÂs majesty, or its history, or even its economic might. No, it stood tall as a beacon of hope and ultimately, freedom, because in no other place on earth — save Japan — could such a circus receive a plush, prime-time spot and in many ways, go unnoticed. Women kicked each otherÂs asses, hurled nasty insults, drank lustily, approached nudity, and yes, TOOK SHITS ON THE FLOOR, and there were no late-night raids by mysterious government agents or calls from on high to enforce a crack down. What might destroy other nations only made us stronger, and IÂll be damned if that within minutes of FlavÂs 112th lip-smacking caress of a skanky chickÂs tits, the sight of Old Glory didnÂt make me tear up a little more.
Sure, the women are interchangeable and perhaps, their behavior is more a testament to the showÂs deep misogyny than any racial insensitivity (after all, the crackers fare little better), but these are, in fact, todayÂs modern women. They are ambitious, strong, no-nonsense, and (at last) the realization of Betty FriedanÂs dream. They lust for fame, sex, alcohol, and most of all, the $800 weaves of their fellow housemates, but there isnÂt a blushing wallflower to be found. If these bitches were in charge for an hour, I doubt half the shit that plagues us would exist in its current form. Fine, it is a bit of an overreaction to pound a chick into dizziness for claiming she had the bed first, but imagine such a woman at the bargaining table in any hot spot across the globe. Goddamn if they donÂt threaten to tear each other apart for a short, ugly, metal-mouthed nitwit, but who doesnÂt want their moment in the sun? At least these trashy, scummy, nearly brain-dead vultures arenÂt hurting anyone, and their push for the limelight provides hours of guilt-free entertainment. After all, these women made me laugh harder than the last 100 comedies IÂve seen in the movie theater combined; IÂd say they were practically heroic.
Stay tuned — itÂs bound to get better.
**UPDATE, 10/15/06: Choosing booty over bony, keepin’ it real over castrating sistah from hell, Flav chose Deelishis over New York in an eye-popping finale that ended with New York’s profanity-laden meltdown. A fatal boat ride did the trick, as New York told Flav how it was gonna be. Fearing that she would end up exactly like herÂ shrewish mother, Flav tossed New York aside for the second time in as many seasons, though rumors abound that she will have her own reality show soon. And so ends a television landmark –Â a show that will live on as long as there are bitches, hos, babies with back, and possessive, blacker-than-thou chicks with eyes for cock, and souls for gold-digging. And to those four little girls in Birmingham, for helping to bring us this day.
Badonkadonk of the Week
Week 2, Flav is Blind: “I do want dark babies.” – Wire
Week 3, She Works Hard for Her Honey: (in Chinese) “Bootz really is a dirty whore.” – Payshintz
Week 4, Jelly on the Telly: (on Toasteee), “Now, I thought she was a stripper or a whore, but the porn never crossed my mind.” – Buckeey
Week 5, Famous Friends and Strangeness: “Wooooooowwwwww!” -Â Flav, after Nibblz pulls out her tit poolside
Week 6, Photo Shoot to the Death: “There’s something really, really gutter-butt about Nibblz.” – New York
Week 7, Boxin’ Each Other Out: (to Flav) “You’re my little chocolate boy wonder.” – Deelishis
Week 8, Steppin’ Out Flav Style: “I am no back-burner bitch!” – New York
Week 9, Family Flavors: “Kill me now! Kill me now!” – New York’s mom
Week 10, Flav Belize in Love: “She’s down for her man. That’s love right there, G. Wooooooowwwwww!” – Flav