It’s almost comforting that the world of television can still surprise me with its crapiness. That “Just Shoot Me” is hackneyed, ham fisted garbage isn’t surprising. That it is now in fucking syndication is amazing. What kind of person would prefer old episodes of “Just Shoot Me” to a third “Simpsons” rerun, TBN or a real estate infomercial? Blank screen anyone?

The episode that’s on now, probably the first one I’ve watched for more than five minutes, goes like this, with some extra crap in between.

Enter Spade’s Boss.

Boss: “did you play my lotto numbers for me?”

Spade: “Sure did.”

Boss: “Did I win?”

Spade: “No.”

“Audience” laughs.

This show reminds me of the part in Annie Hall in which Woody is watching Max add laugh tracks to the show he produces because “the jokes aren’t funny.” I know we are given to hyperbole here at Ruthless, but literally, honestly and without exaggeration, there were several lines in this episode that I would not have recognized as jokes if not for the laugh track.

It’s the next day. Enter Spade’s Boss.

Boss: “Did you play my numbers for me?”

Spade: ” Yes. I did play those numbers.”

Boss: “Great, because I won the lottery! I will come back and get the ticket from you later.”

If you don’t know what happens next, well I just refuse to believe that is possible. I heard once that the network television was, on average, written at the intellectual level of an eleven year old. I don’t know how that number was determined, but watch five minutes of this program and you sure as hell won’t doubt it, especially when you realize that it’s so typical as to be generic.

Jonny saw five minutes of Just Shoot Me one time and he feels qualified to comment

I remember watching a few minutes of Just Shoot Me one time while I was stuck at a hotel in Deerfield Illinois. The taste of vomit is still with me. Just to annoy Eric, the existence of Just Shoot Me, and all shows of its ilk, begs the question: The Simpsons have been on for over a decade, why the hell would you write a comedy that is not as funny?

Seriously, everything should be a competition. As a writer, you should want write the funniest TV show possible, especially if your show is supposed to be a comedy. Let’s say I owned an NFL team (Please God). Perhaps this metaphor is a bit too simplistic, but I would obviously want my team to be as competitive as possible. Actually, screw competition, I would want them to be the best.

With the lone exception of Larry David’s ruthless sleeper hit, Curb Your Enthusiasm, not one other show on television can even hold a candle to the brilliance of The Simpsons. I still stand firmly behind my claim that the moment every Simpsons season is out on DVD, the TV is getting pulled from the wall. Because it will no longer have a purpose. Just Shoot Me is swill, and while it is an easy pun, you will feel like shooting yourself after watching it. In the eyes.

Mr. B shows a United Front

Fuck me; we have to suffer this load of bollocks too. Both me and my wife are also in the “only lasted 5 minutes” club as well.

David Spade must be the thickest fucker on the entire planet if he can’t see that this is shit. Every time I see him I want to shove a pipe up his arse, put barbed wire up the tube then remove the tube leaving the barbed wire, the end of which would be attached (via a rope) to the bumper of Jonny’s car. I would then say, “we’re nearly out of beer and blow” to Jonny. The pain Sam would suffer upon Jonny’s rapid departure to his dealer/booze merchant still wouldn’t be as bad as watching this pile of donkey wank.

For me the things that are scary about this program are

  1. Someone thought it would be a good idea
  2. Enough people actually watch it to warrant a second/third series

I assume the people who fall into category A. are related to Jerry Buckheimer (or his pigs) and the people who are in category B. are the stupid fucks who The Philosophers Stone had to be renamed for.

These fuckers will be on top dollar for producing this crap, which makes it even more annoying.

Great comedy doesn’t need canned laughter (laugh track), as the Simpson’s are a testament to. Northern Exposure would be another example. Joel Fleischmann freaking out in the first episode is one of the funniest things not to be in the Simpson’s or Withnail & I and contains more humour than the entire run of Just Shoot Me put together and multiplied by a factor of infinity.

Other methods of torturing David Spade I have devised involve

Viagra and a hacksaw
Boiling water and a funnel
Carrot sized cactus fronds
Retinal acupuncture

In fact I’ve just had a great idea for a show.

The producers of Japan’s Endurance show simply torture Spade in a different way every week, and believe me, if you haven’t seen Endurance, the producers of that show really are sick motherfuckers.

Ahhh, now I feel better.