Unlucky Charms

A Full Moon Features presentation, huh? Why is that name so familiar?

First, there was Ooga Booga. Now, we have Unlucky Charms. Rank exploitation of the highest (or lowest) order, with racial stereotypes, big tits, and dopey gay sidekicks to spare. And why not? Founder and president Charles Band, also the writer and director this time around, believes that above all, it is his job to cater to the worst in all of us. Call it a mission. Cue Full Moon. Where Joel Silver began, Mr. Band will finish. Yes, the place where the best women – all women, if you like – are either naked or dead, preferably both. Where men want intercourse, blowjobs, and a long nap, though not necessarily in that order. Where we’re shallow, vain, stupid, and perverted, with all apologies left at the door. Two films into his bottomless oeuvre, and I’m already a fan. Hooked, as it were. He’s our generation’s Ed Wood, minus the angora.

 

Mr. Band does indeed have the carnival barker’s touch. I mean, that’s one hell of a DVD intro.

Before a movie that promises tits aplenty, he gives us even more tits during the pre-show. Sure, he’s peddling his pay-to-play streaming service, but knowing full well that we won’t sit still for a simple sales pitch, he positions a positively delightful bimbo to his left as a reward for our good behavior. She’s bouncy, goofy, and in possession of an obscenely gargantuan rack, so we stay tuned. It’s a predictable move, but worthy of respect. More than that, though, we learn that Band’s studio has also produced Gingerdead Man and Evil Bong, which will not, I assure you, go unseen for long.

 

Okay, so if the cheeky title is any clue, we’re in for a comedy/horror show featuring killer leprechauns and the like. Right?

Not so fast. Yes, there’s an ugly little dwarf named Farr Darrig, and yes, he’s first introduced to us via the expected Irish tune, but he’s no killer. He’s one of the good ones. I know, I know, a heroic Irish midget? But stay with me. He steals souls and hangs out with the underworld’s ugliest witches and warlocks, so he’s far from huggable. In fact, his face is cursed with a particularly nasty case of acne. The kind that bleeds pus and the like, in case you’re curious. But he’s interested in innocence, not evil, and his services are being exploited by a callous bitch who will, we have to believe, pay for her crimes.

So where do the tits come in? There are tits, right? Big tits?

Yes, there are tits. We’ll start with the chicks. Five of ‘em, to be exact, and they’re on hand for a reality show that crosses Project Runway with Big Brother. The winner gets a modeling contract with Dee Dee Deville, a maniacal black lady with, we guess, a horrible secret. But first, the girls. First up, sweet Audrey. She’s innocent, pure, and not really the model type, in that she has a little too much flesh around the middle. She won’t even swear, the poor dear. Naturally, she’ll be the film’s hero, though only by accident, as she remains unfathomably stupid. Next, there’s Darla. She’s hot, I suppose, though she has to work for it. And when she opens her mouth, her teeth all but make us forget John Elway. Shine on, you crazy Chiclets. Third, we have Sheila. She’s easily the hottest of the lot, so of course she dies first. God love her, though, as she utters an anti-gay slur, only to follow it up with, “Was that racist?” Then, there’s Erin. God, what a slut. Somehow, in a turn never explained, she’s not an American citizen, but she’s more than willing to fuck the show’s producer to get a green card. Or citizenship itself. How a reality show producer will accomplish this remains to be seen, but she is blond, after all. Last in line, there’s Mika. Poor Mika. In addition to having a face that appears to have been stung by hundreds of bees again and again and again, her arms are adorned with tattoos that, frankly, are indistinguishable from the markings of a madman armed with a tube of lipstick. Thank the heavens she’s a raging bitch, so we don’t have to feel shallow for blasting her ridiculous appearance.

 

A nice healthy bunch of broads. Besides the contest, why are they here?

Fucking Dee Dee. Turns out she does have a secret, and, being a woman, it naturally involves her appearance. Apparently, she needs souls to stay young. Hot souls, as if there were any doubt. Long ago, she secured a set of charms – the charms of the underworld leprechaun community – that grant her whatever wishes her heart desires. But she’s not using them properly. Shockingly, the leprechauns wanted people to use the charms to end wars, topple kings, and secure justice, though Dee Dee rightly points out that for all they knew, bad guys had the charms and evil had its day. Regardless, Farr Darrig does know that a human being is not allowed to use the charms to secure eternal beauty, so he’s not going to stand for this shit anymore. But Dee Dee is desperate. Really desperate. Because she’s evil, the souls aren’t lasting as long as they did back in the day. First, she’ll chant – “Pure gold; never ugly, never old” – prick her finger with the charms, then a nearby soul will depart a dying body and she’ll reverse the aging process. But when she starts to age, she gets ugly fast. All ashy and shit, like Miss Jane Pittman in her final hours. At some point, we are not surprised to find her running around her bedroom bleeding like a stuck pig, screeching like she’s been stabbed in the ass.

 

So who’s Bloody Bones?

He’s Farr’s partner in crime, though he’s a Cyclops who uses his power to see tits. At one point, he dazzles Mika into a trance, forcing her to remove her top. Lord almighty, the bitch is all puffy and shabbily tattooed, but she might have the biggest boobs I’ve ever seen in a Redbox feature. And I think Bloody Bones is masturbating, but that thing could easily be a walking stick.

 

Okay, Dee Dee needs souls. Who dies?

As I said, Sheila, the hottest, is taken down first. As punishment for her vanity, she not only loses her soul, she’s afflicted with a grotesque skin condition. But that’s Farr’s fault. He had no idea her soul was about to depart. But before his awful deed, he makes her fat, since she pretty much said earlier in the movie that being overweight was worse than having cancer. Farr also accuses her of flirting with her father while bouncing on his knee as a child, an act that led to her molestation, but she denies it. I, for one, believe Farr. Erin is also killed, but again, she has only herself to blame, as she fucked Bloody Bones, who had disguised himself as Baxter, the producer, played by The Batchelor’s own Charlie O’Connell. Imagine, for a moment, being the second most famous of the O’Connell brothers.

 

I really liked that youth-enhancing chant. Any other memorable quotes?

“Producers never lie, Sugar.” – Baxter, while Erin is riding his cock.

“Men want dangerous, nasty women.” – Dee Dee, in a rare moment of truth.

“Eating causes fat. Fat causes death.” – the gay dude, trying to be encouraging.

 

I hear that Darla and Audrey have a pretty intense confrontation. Anything of note?

I couldn’t tell you. I was utterly transfixed by the booger in Darla’s nose. It came and went from cut to cut, so I’m fairly sure it was intentional.

 

So who wins this shit?

Dee Dee wants Audrey’s soul. Goes after it with full force. But Farr wants to play the hero. So he gets stabbed for his efforts. He dies, but slowly, and only after granting Audrey the charms. A witch appears, screaming so loudly that Dee Dee drops dead. She was that close to the edge. And so we return to the beginning, a time when leprechauns could proclaim their desire to help the world, rather than hurting it. A time remembered by the old country that runs through Audrey’s soul.

 

A pretty packed movie, wouldn’t you say?

No doubt. And in only 65 minutes! I swear to fuck these Redbox movies are getting shorter and shorter.

Wait, a guy named Howard Wexler is the cinematographer? Is that Haskell’s son?

Yes, yes it is (not really).