A Full Moon Features presentation, huh? Why is that name so familiar?
First, there was Ooga Booga. Now, we have Unlucky Charms. Rank exploitation of the highest (or lowest) order, with racial stereotypes, big tits, and dopey gay sidekicks to spare. And why not? Founder and president Charles Band, also the writer and director this time around, believes that above all, it is his job to cater to the worst in all of us. Call it a mission. Cue Full Moon. Where Joel Silver began, Mr. Band will finish. Yes, the place where the best women Â all women, if you like Â are either naked or dead, preferably both. Where men want intercourse, blowjobs, and a long nap, though not necessarily in that order. Where weÂre shallow, vain, stupid, and perverted, with all apologies left at the door. Two films into his bottomless oeuvre, and IÂm already a fan. Hooked, as it were. HeÂs our generationÂs Ed Wood, minus the angora.
Mr. Band does indeed have the carnival barkerÂs touch. I mean, thatÂs one hell of a DVD intro.
Before a movie that promises tits aplenty, he gives us even more tits during the pre-show. Sure, heÂs peddling his pay-to-play streaming service, but knowing full well that we wonÂt sit still for a simple sales pitch, he positions a positively delightful bimbo to his left as a reward for our good behavior. SheÂs bouncy, goofy, and in possession of an obscenely gargantuan rack, so we stay tuned. ItÂs a predictable move, but worthy of respect. More than that, though, we learn that BandÂs studio has also produced Gingerdead Man and Evil Bong, which will not, I assure you, go unseen for long.
Okay, so if the cheeky title is any clue, weÂre in for a comedy/horror show featuring killer leprechauns and the like. Right?
Not so fast. Yes, thereÂs an ugly little dwarf named Farr Darrig, and yes, heÂs first introduced to us via the expected Irish tune, but heÂs no killer. HeÂs one of the good ones. I know, I know, a heroic Irish midget? But stay with me. He steals souls and hangs out with the underworldÂs ugliest witches and warlocks, so heÂs far from huggable. In fact, his face is cursed with a particularly nasty case of acne. The kind that bleeds pus and the like, in case youÂre curious. But heÂs interested in innocence, not evil, and his services are being exploited by a callous bitch who will, we have to believe, pay for her crimes.
So where do the tits come in? There are tits, right? Big tits?
Yes, there are tits. WeÂll start with the chicks. Five of Âem, to be exact, and theyÂre on hand for a reality show that crosses Project Runway with Big Brother. The winner gets a modeling contract with Dee Dee Deville, a maniacal black lady with, we guess, a horrible secret. But first, the girls. First up, sweet Audrey. SheÂs innocent, pure, and not really the model type, in that she has a little too much flesh around the middle. She wonÂt even swear, the poor dear. Naturally, sheÂll be the filmÂs hero, though only by accident, as she remains unfathomably stupid. Next, thereÂs Darla. SheÂs hot, I suppose, though she has to work for it. And when she opens her mouth, her teeth all but make us forget John Elway. Shine on, you crazy Chiclets. Third, we have Sheila. SheÂs easily the hottest of the lot, so of course she dies first. God love her, though, as she utters an anti-gay slur, only to follow it up with, ÂWas that racist?Â Then, thereÂs Erin. God, what a slut. Somehow, in a turn never explained, sheÂs not an American citizen, but sheÂs more than willing to fuck the showÂs producer to get a green card. Or citizenship itself. How a reality show producer will accomplish this remains to be seen, but she is blond, after all. Last in line, thereÂs Mika. Poor Mika. In addition to having a face that appears to have been stung by hundreds of bees again and again and again, her arms are adorned with tattoos that, frankly, are indistinguishable from the markings of a madman armed with a tube of lipstick. Thank the heavens sheÂs a raging bitch, so we donÂt have to feel shallow for blasting her ridiculous appearance.
A nice healthy bunch of broads. Besides the contest, why are they here?
Fucking Dee Dee. Turns out she does have a secret, and, being a woman, it naturally involves her appearance. Apparently, she needs souls to stay young. Hot souls, as if there were any doubt. Long ago, she secured a set of charms Â the charms of the underworld leprechaun community Â that grant her whatever wishes her heart desires. But sheÂs not using them properly. Shockingly, the leprechauns wanted people to use the charms to end wars, topple kings, and secure justice, though Dee Dee rightly points out that for all they knew, bad guys had the charms and evil had its day. Regardless, Farr Darrig does know that a human being is not allowed to use the charms to secure eternal beauty, so heÂs not going to stand for this shit anymore. But Dee Dee is desperate. Really desperate. Because sheÂs evil, the souls arenÂt lasting as long as they did back in the day. First, sheÂll chant Â ÂPure gold; never ugly, never oldÂ Â prick her finger with the charms, then a nearby soul will depart a dying body and sheÂll reverse the aging process. But when she starts to age, she gets ugly fast. All ashy and shit, like Miss Jane Pittman in her final hours. At some point, we are not surprised to find her running around her bedroom bleeding like a stuck pig, screeching like sheÂs been stabbed in the ass.
So whoÂs Bloody Bones?
HeÂs FarrÂs partner in crime, though heÂs a Cyclops who uses his power to see tits. At one point, he dazzles Mika into a trance, forcing her to remove her top. Lord almighty, the bitch is all puffy and shabbily tattooed, but she might have the biggest boobs IÂve ever seen in a Redbox feature. And I think Bloody Bones is masturbating, but that thing could easily be a walking stick.
Okay, Dee Dee needs souls. Who dies?
As I said, Sheila, the hottest, is taken down first. As punishment for her vanity, she not only loses her soul, sheÂs afflicted with a grotesque skin condition. But thatÂs FarrÂs fault. He had no idea her soul was about to depart. But before his awful deed, he makes her fat, since she pretty much said earlier in the movie that being overweight was worse than having cancer. Farr also accuses her of flirting with her father while bouncing on his knee as a child, an act that led to her molestation, but she denies it. I, for one, believe Farr. Erin is also killed, but again, she has only herself to blame, as she fucked Bloody Bones, who had disguised himself as Baxter, the producer, played by The BatchelorÂs own Charlie OÂConnell. Imagine, for a moment, being the second most famous of the OÂConnell brothers.
I really liked that youth-enhancing chant. Any other memorable quotes?
ÂProducers never lie, Sugar.Â Â Baxter, while Erin is riding his cock.
ÂMen want dangerous, nasty women.Â Â Dee Dee, in a rare moment of truth.
ÂEating causes fat. Fat causes death.Â Â the gay dude, trying to be encouraging.
I hear that Darla and Audrey have a pretty intense confrontation. Anything of note?
I couldnÂt tell you. I was utterly transfixed by the booger in DarlaÂs nose. It came and went from cut to cut, so IÂm fairly sure it was intentional.
So who wins this shit?
Dee Dee wants AudreyÂs soul. Goes after it with full force. But Farr wants to play the hero. So he gets stabbed for his efforts. He dies, but slowly, and only after granting Audrey the charms. A witch appears, screaming so loudly that Dee Dee drops dead. She was that close to the edge. And so we return to the beginning, a time when leprechauns could proclaim their desire to help the world, rather than hurting it. A time remembered by the old country that runs through AudreyÂs soul.
A pretty packed movie, wouldnÂt you say?
No doubt. And in only 65 minutes! I swear to fuck these Redbox movies are getting shorter and shorter.
Wait, a guy named Howard Wexler is the cinematographer? Is that HaskellÂs son?
Yes, yes it is (not really).