Air Travel-Sure, air-travel is exponentially faster and safer than traveling by auto. However, there are some serious drawbacks to flying the friendly skies. For a comprehensive analysis of air travel, see The ABC’s of Traveling: The Joys of Flying Edition. For me, I just despise flying after years of it in the corporate grind.
Buckle-Up- It’s the law. Just do it. Sure, back in the day we had rolling coffins, with no seat belts, no padded-dashes, and kids unattached or wallowing around in the rear window of a spacious 1959 Chevy. Who knows why or how we survived? Now, vehicles are much safer with seat belts (with nagging console chimes to remind you), air-bags, back-up cameras and other high tech features to keep you safer. Be smart.
Children- If you’ve started a family, then there will be the inevitability of taking young children on the family vacation. These vacations can be wonderful, quality time for the family once you get to your destination, but the drive can be challenging for impatient young-uns’.
You’ve started the drive from Memphis to Gatlinburg and before you even get to Jackson, you hear the whiney bleat of “Are we almost there yet?” Be smart and buy your Hell-spawn some new toys or games to occupy their tiny minds. Also, be creative and play games like “Find the first hard-working cow”, or “Spot the first mountain”. Always deflect their initial guesses as incorrect in order to keep things going for miles. Remember, you’re the boss.
Dramamine– If the above tactics are not successful, there is always the option of drugging the little tykes. This worked great for us on a long trip from Memphis to Delaware, but be on guard. After coming out of his drug-induced coma, my 3-year-old unexpectedly walked into the deep end of the motel pool, and I had to jump in fully-clothed to rescue him. Great family times.
Emergency Supplies- Don’t be a dummy and get stuck on the road needing something. Sure, you have AAA, but pack some essentials for emergencies. For your ride, have a few basic tools, including the elusive 10mm box-end wrench, Duck Tape for busted hoses, a gallon of water to refill radiator, one of those handy Chinese battery charging bricks, and ditto for a tire inflator. If you are crossing the Mojave Desert, or anywhere for that matter, have some bottled water and food for emergencies. You never know what may happen on the road, and you can’t trust in God to save you, because he probably hates you.
Fast Food and GutBombs- Road Trips are a challenge for healthy nutrition and restraint. The spouse and kids are with you, it’s vacation, and by necessity, you have to eat out, or take out and back to the motel. If the urchins had their way, you would eat at McDonald’s 3 meals a day.
Eating healthy will be virtually impossible on Road Trips, so all you can do is to try to mediate the damage. The worst case will be food poisoning or an epic event like the Desert Hamburger. Choose your poison carefully.
Gas Stations- (Then & Now) Back in the day, gas stations used to be service stations where you could fill up with gas, check your tires and oil, and clean your windshield. There might be a Coke Machine or some candy bars for sale at the counter.
In the 21st Century, service stations have evolved to Convenience Stores, then Huge Truck Stops and Travel Centers, and now virtual shopping malls like Buc-ee’s. If you are dumb enough to let your family wander inside, prepare to spend hundreds of dollars on crap that you don’t need. They sell everything, I mean everything imaginable, including gallon buckets of bacon grease and even deer feeders. Avoid. See (Tourist Trap).
[EDIT: Some of these stores are absolutely huge, The Luling store in Texas is the largest convenience store in the world at 75,593 square feet.]
Highways- These are the long-forgotten roads of the American Past. Essential travel-ways, like Route 66 (The Mother Road) were bulldozed, by-passed and ignored for the creation of the more efficient (and boring) US Interstate System. I could write an entire blog about this wonderful chapter of American travel past, but that may be for another time. The original Route 66 passed through 8 States and spanned 2448 miles. There are still several stretches, especially in New Mexico and Arizona that are still viable. If you are traveling nearby, don’t miss it.
Interstate Highways-These are what have made road trips manageable. Interstate Highways + the modern GPS make trips to your chosen destination as easy as click and drive. However, if you do not do your due-diligence and check ahead with the respective State’s DOT, you might be in for a nightmare of construction and delays because of wrecks and other human errors. Be smart, and check before you drive.
Also, do not trust your GPS implicitly. On my last trip to Arizona, my Waze sent me on a horrifying route that could be described as a winding, endless journey through a Native American graveyard…Just to save a few miles off the Interstate. (SEE: Road Atlas)
Jackalope– See Tourist Traps and Wall Drug Store. Yes, Matt Cale has disgraced himself and been there and mounted the Lope, purely for sexual reasons, I am sure. Of course, to fully disclose, I did visit this Hell-Hole, just for the science. It is located in South Dakota, and there are dozens of billboards that bombard your senses, miles and miles before you reach this awful place. It was as bad as you can imagine, so just AVOID.
K-9s and other pets– Look, we know that you love your blessed fur-balls, but let’s be realistic. Traveling with pets just adds another layer of stress, not to mention cost. Do you both a favor (not to mention other residents of the motel that allows pets), and leave them at home with a sitter, or at worst, a kennel, which they will hate. Eventually, they will get over it, so just do the smart thing and leave the precious pets at home.
Last Chance For Gas– In heavily populated areas, this is hardly an issue, but there are area in the U.S.A. (Devil’s Tower in Wyoming is a good example) that are as barren and remote as the dark side of the moon. There are wide stretches in the West that are virtually uninhabited, so don’t get distracted enough when torturing your kids with “hard-working cows”, to pay attention to your fuel gauge. You may end up at the side of the road, with the only one stopping to help being Leatherface or some snarling and unhappy Native American, wondering what these pale-faces are doing on his land.
Motels- Let’s be realistic. Everyone wants to save money, but you get what you pay for. Before you book your stay, check sites like Tripadvisor to get a rating and reviews on the motel that you might have booked on price alone. Trust me, it is not worth the cheap price that Mr. Patel quotes you, just to land at a bed-bug ridden and gangster-occupied motel with your family. Just buck up and go to something decent like a Sleep Inn.
National Parks-If you do not plan to book these destinations (Before our Idiot-In-Chief closes all of them by defunding), you are really missing out. In the West the National Parks are plentiful, especially in Colorado and Utah. If you are traveling I-70 in Colorado, don’t miss Colorado Monument just south of Fruita. It’s not a National Park, but it should be. If you are traveling west, be sure to gas up before you leave Grand Junction or Fruita, because Utah has long stretches of beautiful nothingness.
On The Rock- This is it, folks. the greatest and most obscure destination for any Road Trip. Yes, I’m talking about The House on The Rock. Mere words cannot describe the awesomeness of this American Treasure, that virtually no one knows about. From my review linked above:
“I read with glee reviews from the numerous religiously impaired fools who were offended by all of the anatomically correct nude statuettes and mannequins. I was also amused by visitors who hated it because it was too dark, too murky and too risque for their sensitive tastes. I read with disgust the idiots who complained that it took too long, or that the food at the snack bar was not good enough. I was annoyed by people who complained, but were stupid enough to take young children to this wonderful and dizzyingly impressive culmination of Americana.”
If you haven’t visited The House on the Rock, you are missing out on the greatest attraction you have never seen. There is nothing else like it in the world.
Plan Ahead and Prepare- In keeping with your emergency supplies, just make sure you have your appropriate document like Driver’s License, Auto Registration, and proof of insurance (not expired). Plan and research your trip and make reservations for lodging. Others are traveling too, and there is nothing worse than hunting for lodging at 8:00 PM, with an exhausted family in tow.
Queasy Winding Roads- There are plenty of these, especially in the West. One particularly route is Hwy 1 in northern California, from Mendocino to Leggett Valley, where you can see the huge trees, including a “drive-through” tree. This road is aptly nicknamed “The Dramamine Highway”, and I’ve driven it. Another really doozy of a drive is coming down Hwy 198 from Sequoia National Park. Avoid if you are hung-over or are prone to motion sickness. (See Dramamine)
Road Atlas-Oh, boy, if you are under the age of 40, you may not know what these are. They are paper maps…Once supplied by AAA or State Farm…Road maps of all 50 States used to be an essential traveling companion. Mine is still always in my vehicle, comfortably un-used like my Strike-Stick baton, which is embedded in the pages of this ancient Atlas. These tools are woefully underused, especially when your GPS goes feral, and tries to spin you into some unknown territory. Trust your instincts.
Speed Traps-They are everywhere, especially in small towns who depend on the revenue. For example, if you are leaving Page, AZ. on Hwy 98, going north to the Utah National Parks of Zion and Bryce, there might be a midget with a big hat and driving a big Crown Vic that will pull you over. It is a TRAP. The speed limit drops, then raises to 65 mph, then immediately drops to 35 mph…without warning. He has a handful of pre-printed tickets (With Surcharge) for you to mail in and pay. There is nothing that you can do, but grin and move on. Page is beautiful, but if not careful, you will be rang up.
Tourist Traps-These are inevitable, so hold onto your sanity and wallet. If you are driving on the Interstate, or any major highway, the Billboard Sirens scream at you for miles and miles. Free Steak-The Big Texan, Just Ahead. If you are traveling through South Dakota, God Help You…The Wall Drug Signs will assault your senses for miles and miles on your journey. Trust me, there is nothing there but hundreds of gullible and bewildered tourists, swept in by the sirens of advertising, and buying useless junk just because they are there. Also 4 Corners, nothing to see there. AVOID.
Underpass on the Interstate- Even if you are driving through Oklahoma or Kansas and encounter a severe thunderstorm with hail or even a tornado, just don’t. Underpasses are not parking lots, and the last thing you want to do is to get out of your vehicle and try to take refuge under one of these things. And, it goes without saying that stopping your vehicle on the interstate is very dangerous. Keep moving.
Vacation- What else? You work hard to support your family and pay your bills, so you feel entitled to a nice road trip. Don’t splurge on the dream trip if you can’t afford it. Sure, there are always credit cards, but the bills will linger months after the fun is over if you don’t budget properly. (See: Plan Ahead and Prepare)
Weather- Oh Boy, Oh-Boy, OH-BOY! Meteorology is my bailiwick, and if you don’t pay attention to it while traveling, you may be in a world of hurt. If you are traveling through the midsection of the USA in May, you really need to pay attention to the weather. Plan your trip accordingly, have good tires and windshield wipers, and for Goat’s sake don’t drive through a flooded highway or underpass. Water weighs 62.4 lbs. per cubic foot and will always win. There are a lot of good weather sites on YouTube and the web, so learn how to use them.
Xanadu- Chances are your destination won’t be, so keep your expectations reasonable.
Yield– When driving, try not to be a jerk. Driving is not a contest, and sure, you might be totally in the right, but does it matter? If someone cuts you off, or is driving in the fast lane, put safety and reason over your ego. Your life may depend on it. Road Rage is stupid, dangerous and pointless.
Zzzzzzz’s After a long day of driving, you deserve your rest. Sure, the wife and kids might want to immediately go do whatever, but don’t be bullied and take your nap.
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