Comfortable and Furious



Not long ago I developed a fascination with the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), Pride Fighting and all other forms of the human cock fight. Until recently, I’ve held the Gracie family in a certain level of contempt. It is because of the Gracies that I initially became disillusioned with the UFC upon ordering an early pay per view event, back in the nineties. These fuckers were so good at submissions that they reduced every UFC fight to several minutes of almost gay porn, culminating in an arm bar and one dude, who looked like he was the result of genetic experiments involving silverback gorillas, tapping out to a Gracie, who looked like a place kicker. Although I admired the scrawny Gracies for effortlessly besting ogres, watching them in action was a bore. It was years before I checked back in with the UFC and learned that ultra-violence had been restored.

It was at this point that I began downloading Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fights wholesale. What joy I felt watching my favorite, Mirko “Cro Cop” reduce 900 pound, former NFLer Bob “the Beast” Sapp to a quivering pile of chocolate pudding with one devastating kick to the abdomen and nearly decapitating the mammoth, Alexander Emelianko. How I laughed with glee when Vitor Belfort dropped the ridiculously confident, gelatinous mollusk, Scott Ferrozzo. At some point I developed more of an appreciation for the submission style and began searching for Gracie clips. I discovered that the previously maligned by me Gracies had a video, available for download on limewire, called Street Fighting.

This video rocks for the simple reason that it does away with the usual pretenses behind “self defense” instructional. The notions that these techniques are meant for spiritual fulfillment or only as defensive measures are completely dispensed with. The instructor introduces the first technique by saying, “Now let’s suppose that you decide that this guy needs to get hit.” Should you apply these tactics judiciously, at risk of being sucked into the dark side? No, you merely need decide that someone “needs to get hit.” Brilliant!

The techniques themselves are gold. If you do in fact decide that someone needs to get hit, the instructor recommends a looping open palm strike to the ear. I actually practiced the technique as recommended and was astonished at the force you can generate. He said your hand should tingle from the rush of blood, mine hurt. If you actually hit someone on the ear using this technique, he said they would cry. My girlfriend sure did.

The second technique is also gold. The instructor actually suggests how to set up a close-standing adversary for a sucker punch. Assuming your enemy is bumping chests with you, put your hands up to your chest and say something like “what did I do?” This puts you in perfect position to throw an elbow right into some douchebag’s chin. Again, I practiced and feel pretty confident that even my flabby ass could send someone into slumber country with this move.

Several more techniques were discussed in the video, but before they were covered, I had already run off to practice the first two. I suppose you could buy this video. RDRR. Or search limewire for “Gracie” and get some entertaining education for free.