Comfortable and Furious

American Idol

Next time someone starts on about how the worst of American culture is infesting the globe, I’m going to point to this British-born monstrosity, which has taken over American airwaves. Thanks mates, but we liked it better in 1812, when all you did was burn down our nation’s capitol.

I doubt that I need to go into much detail about the primary flaw of “American Idol.” It’s the music. Puke. Piss. Every kind of excrement mixed together and dumped onto a pile of maggots. In other words, these are people aspiring to be the next Miriah or Britney. What’s worse than professional pop swill is amateur pop swill. The only way this music could be still worse – and hopefully I won’t give anyone an idea here, because then I would have to buy a gun — is if the music were amateur, Christian pop.

Ah, but what about the mean judge, Simon? Isn’t it all worth it because we get to watch Simon ridicule the performers? No. Our airwaves don’t need another superior asshole who’s only talent is being a superior asshole, like that bitch from “The Weakest Link.” Where is she, by the way? America got bored with you in half a season. Goodbye.

Hopefully, one day soon, Simon and The Weakest Link Lady will be in a pub back home, maybe sitting across from Oasis and a couple Spice Girls, reminiscing about the days when they were big in America. Simon will say, “six months ago, I couldn’t walk down the street there. Now I can’t even get a good table at T.G.I. Friday’s!” as the others nod knowingly and The Weakest Link Lady wishes she had some paid, pre-written witticism roughly appropriate for the occasion.

Sure, Simon ridicules some of the horrible performers on the show, but he is by no means Ruthless. Simon’s complaint isn’t that these people sound like Miriah Carrey, it’s that they don’t sound enough like Miriah Carrey. This is a guy who has the same taste in music as Patrick Bateman. If Simon ever saw/read American Psycho he would say something like, “sure, the man is an evil killer, but what insight into the work of Whitney Houston!” It’s like listening to Stalin critique Hitler’s methods of torture. You don’t say, “that’s tellin’ em Joe!” You aim.

Now, I don’t want to seem Anglophobic. The Brits are great and I love British humor and British wit, as exemplified by Mr. B’s fustigation of the British version of this show. It’s just that Simon and this show suck shit. My point is not that British cultural imports are bad. I’m just saying, sure, we gave them MacDonald’s, but they gave us Simon, so it evens out.

      • Number of episodes seen: 1/2 of one and 1/40th of another
      • Numer of headaches caused by show: 1
      • Factor by which the quality of “The Simpsons” exceeds that of this show: googleplex times googleplex to the googleplexth power

Special Ruthless Ratings