10.) “It’s all in the reflexes” – Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China
Aldous Huxley once wrote, “experience isn’t what happens to a man, it’s what a man does with what happens to him.” Jack Burton said the same thing, but with less words, and after he threw a knife through the head of a 7 foot tall Chinese sorcerer that was about to take over the world. The universe doesn’t give a shit what trouble or prosperity comes your way. It’s square on your shoulders to react to your circumstances. You could be born an Asian girl in that land where they stretch out your neck with a bunch of metal rings or you could be born the son of an Afghan warlord. Point being, you learn how to shoot down Marines with stinger missiles or how to grow a long ass neck. React to your situation like a boss.
9.) “I’m king of the world!” – Aaron, Eastbound and Down
I’m not talking about Leo in Titanic, I’m talking about the midget in Mexico who just swindled forty dollars from Kenny Fucking Powers. In reality, it’s a measly amount of money stolen from an idiot, but in Aaron’s head, he’s a clever kingpin who just pulled off a brilliant caper, added to his fortune, solidifying his status as shot caller. We all have to live inside our own heads, why not grandeur up those illusions a bit? Why not make the small victories sweeter? Why not fellate one’s own achievements for the ego? Bang a fat chick, brag to your boys about how big her tits were! Finish 300th out of 350th in a 5k, laugh at the 50 pathetic gibroneys as they chug in. Get to work on time three days in a row, show up on the forth day high on bath salts. You earned it! They’re lucky to have you!
8.) “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine” – Rick Blaine
It’s a small world, and women love to recycle. As long as you don’t handle a break up like a woman (crying, violence, and threats) you’ll get another crack at her eventually. It may be eight years later where she’s thirty pounds, seven cliché tattoos, and four kids heavier, but she’ll be back. You’d be surprised how often women think about their ex’s. They think about ex’s more than we think about women we want to fuck. Women don’t come equipped with imaginations; therefore, their fantasies mostly involve dudes they’ve already been with. We don’t need to do that because our brains are bigger and superior. I can tell you what Michelle Bachman’s nipples probably taste like (greasy arcade tokens and PCP). Ask a random woman what she thinks Newt Gingrich’s o-face looks like and she’ll get mad; not because that’s an offensive question but because it reminds her that she was born without the ability to make creative inferences.
7.) “Natural Born World Shaker” – Dragline, Cool Hand Luke
Every man has a little bit of fire in him, and it’s usually a reaction to some repressed feelings related to growing up in a place with so many rules. Take a seat. Wait your turn. Tell the nice lady thank you. Don’t drink and drive. Wear pants. We’ve built ourselves into a prison of written and unwritten rules. It’s enough to make a man howl at the moon. Point being, when you feel that fire wanting to come out, you run with it. Before you know it, you’re naked, drunk, and driving on the left side of the road because if it’s good enough for England, it’s good enough for you! Pretty soon, you’ll be old and out of fire because fire comes from your nutsack and your nutsack shuts down at like sixty. That’s science right there. You have to fuck up now so you don’t live in regret later. But you still have to pick your spots, for instance: Do light a dumpster fire. Don’t shoot up a DMV.
6.) “To enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. Nothing exists in itself.” Ishmael, Moby Dick
I know Moby Dick is a book, but it’s also a TV mini-series too. It’s true. Captain Picard played Ahab, so that’s my loophole. Anytime something horrible is happening to you, remember it. Soak it in. Revel in it on a sick level. Remember how it feels. Don’t let go of that; always keep it tucked away somewhere and call on it when at the apex of some joyful moment, and it’s like shooting heroine during an orgasm. Hop on a jet ski and bounce off clear Caribbean waves with the wind in your hair, and just recall the time you were counting bricks in a holding cell. You’re mouth will look all stupid big and happy, like Julia Roberts spending Richard Gere’s money. And it doesn’t even have to be that grand. While eating a steak for dinner, recall what the Taco Bell tasted like at lunch. Remembered discomfort is just fodder for future happiness.
5.) “Well all the time ya spend trying to get back what’s been took from ya, more is going out the door. After a while you just have to try to get a tourniquet on it.” Ellis, No Country for Old Men
Revenge is a lot like watching women’s golf: It’s silly fun but ultimately a huge waste of time. You have to face the fact that shit jobs and shit relationships will eat up years of your life, smarter men will separate you from your money, and jealous brutes will go out of their way to fill your life with pain. The only thing you can do is just keep the wheels turning. Revenge itself should be the only one word oxymoron (besides “comedienne”) because to exact it is to take another loss. Real winners walk it off, remember the lesson, and enjoy life. The saying “living well is the best revenge” is true.
4.) “You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!” Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski
Focus on the task at hand; live in the here and now. If you’re trying to finger bang a chick to climax, don’t be thinking about what to buy your cat for his half birthday. Clear your mind and live in the moment. We miss so much in our day to day lives because we’re too preoccupied with all this inner turmoil. Sometimes when you’re driving, you miss a beautiful sunset because you’re too busy looking at the road. People forget how to enjoy the simple things. Everything else can wait…until it can’t.
3.) “Pals” – Billy the Kid, Young Guns
The beauty about friends is that they don’t have to be that. They can be enemies. They can turn into strangers. Unlike family or co-workers, they’re a reciprocated choice. Having a friend is having an unspoken, mutual connection with a person that says: “I like how I feel when I’m around you.” If that’s not the ultimate compliment, I don’t know what is. You don’t take that lightly. I’m talking about real friends here, the kind you kill corrupt cattle ranchers with or help move on a Saturday and it doesn’t even feel like work because you know you’ll be drunk and joking the entire time. The beauty of true friends is that you have to exude virtually no effort to keep them; you are accepted exactly as you are and nothing is ever asked or expected. Everything is simply appreciated.
2.) “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner” – Neil McCauley, Heat
Whether you’re a high end thief or a low end assistant manager, life’s always easier if you have less crap to care for. We all know the guy who has a bunch of different kids with a bunch of different women and has a note for everything: his car, his house, his boat, and even his TV. Enslaved to the shitty choices he made, accumulating toys to fill the non-toy sized hole in his heart, forced to work a job he hates just to support the things that own him. I could just get up and walk to Mexico right now. All I’d leave is a ten year old car, porn-ridden laptop, and a few guns behind. Everything else is basically worthless even by garage sale standards. I’m sure people would miss me, but I wouldn’t be letting anyone down. The only thing I do have is a bank full of money to buy more experiences, not materials. See, you can’t take your fancy bedroom set everywhere you go, or your giant TV, or even your phone, but what you can take is your memories of the Himalayas, underwater recollections of tropical fish, and stories about rum fueled international debauchery. No wait, I’d really rather own a leather ottoman!