Written and Directed and Starring Tom Hank’s Ego
Jonny hates Christmas…and kids…
The first question is; why did an admitted child-hating secular
humanist Jew with really strong pulls towards Satanism (only because it
may upset Christians more than me simply being a Jew–jury’s
still out) go to see a cloying, saccharine Christmas movie about a boy
whose faith in Santa is renewed through “belief?” OK, one of my very
best friends did some of the animation and the after party had an open
bar where they were pouring quad shots of Beam–fair enough? I had
about four full glasses of bourbon and ice. Plus, I kept peeing without
washing my hands and giving good, firm shakes to all the Hollywood
blowhards I met.
I just want to get this part out of the way up front. The train sequences in The Polar Express
(or “Polex” as it is known internally) are fucking rad. For whatever
reason, the train tracks to the north pole are actually in fact this
psycho roller coaster with long, long vertical drops and soaring
hills–totally unsafe in every way especially for a train that goes
around and kidnaps kids from their home. D’oh! There I go getting ahead
of myself. Anyhow, anytime we see the train barreling down the track it
is pretty damn compelling. Like in Das Boot (the sub) and Star Wars
(the Millennium Falcon) it is the vehicle that is actually the best
character in the movie. OK, fine, Jurgen Prochnow, was pretty
excellent. Still, the train sequences are top shelf and are animated as
well as any scenes you are going to see. Especially when the train gets
stuck on the frozen lake and the ice begins to crack and the conductor
dude (Hanks) is screaming at “Steamer” (the fat engineer) to steer “LEFT!, now RIGHT!–PORTSIDE!” A very cool sequence. Plus the train sequences might scare children. Which I support.
Other than that, The Polar Express is awful. My friend
and I spend the last half hour making pedophile jokes about Hulk Hogan
raping little kids. Loudly (keep reading). And he worked on the fucking
movie! For me, the beginning of the movie was particularly nauseating.
We meet “The Little Shit Who Cannot Be Named” (for some reason, only
one character besides Santa has a name) deep in the clutches of greed
inspired insomnia as he waits for Santa to show up. Now, I am as greedy
as the next guy, so I see nothing wrong with a child’s biggest concern
being the accumulation of presents. No, what sickened me was how Norman
Rockwell, middle-America bullshit the intro of the film was. Snow is
falling softly, Little Shit Who Cannot Be Named has a baseball, there
are keyholes for him to look through, and everyone is wearing a sweater
and a robe… I’m doing a poor job of describing how ill this part was,
but essentially Newt Gingrich’s wet dream of Reader’s Digest circa 1955
was in full bloom. Look, I remember Christmas Eve as a child. My dad
would make sure to light a fire (even though it was probably 70 degrees
out) to “keep Santa away,” my mom would make spaghetti or burgers or
tacos or order a pizza, my Grandmother would comment on how Meshuggah the Goyem are for Yoshkie.
My sister would make fart noises while playing piano and I would sleep
outside in the hammock with a baseball bat just in case I saw that fat
bastard who wouldn’t give presents to Jewish kids. Needless to say, the
opening “niceties” had me cringing.
As far as the actual story… you know, it is weird because
nothing really happens. I mean, there is no “goal” the Little Shit Who
Cannot Be Named is trying to accomplish, save for the fact that he
wants to “believe” in Santa. Anyhow, he and a gaggle of other brats get
kidnapped on this train thing by Tom Hanks. “Hey there kid, want to ride
my train?” Sure, dress it up as Christmas, but a man is still going
around snatching up children in the middle of the night to take them
away and give them presents. You tell me. Anyhow, we don’t really know
why anybody is on the train or what the train is doing save for the
fact that it is going to the North Pole. Now, of course, it turns out
that the Little Shit Who Can Not Be Named was abducted–I mean
“chosen”–because he was a “doubter.” Uh, so, like, the punch line to
the whole thing is that Santa, for whatever reason and under unknown
criteria, gives one lucky abducted child the first present of
Christmas. Literally, so sweet I got diabetes.
Jut a few more thoughts; The North Pole itself really resembles a scene out of a Riefenstahl
flick. Seriously, tens of thousands of dudes all dressed the same
standing around in an Albert Speer style plaza waiting for “the leader”
to emerge. Also, when Santa does make an appearance, we at first only
see his shadow in profile. His menacing height and large moustache make
him look exactly like Hulk Hogan. And really, The Polar Express would have been the greatest movie EVER MADE
if it turned out that Hulk Hogan lived in the North Pole, held Third
Reich style rallies and had Tom Hanks bring him trainloads of kidnapped
children. I mean, fuck, could you get more brilliant? Probably not. In
other news, the kids looked like zombies half the time. Man, how cool
would it have been if like five kids ate Tom Hanks? Also, I am pretty
much convinced that Hanks chose to play nineteen different characters
so that he could constantly be in the presence of abducted children.
Think about it; you know he did. Long and hard.
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