Comfortable and Furious

Crossroads (2002)

Remember how bad the Spice Girl’s movie (Spice World) was? Crossroads is worse. Far worse. My friend and I split a tab of ecstasy before we sat down. Halfway through she was feeding me anti-depressants. We walked out of Crossroads confused and upset. We headed to the nearest bar and had a shot of Jim Beam each plus a beer. My friend started saying how much better she would feel if she let all the guys at the bar cum in her face. We went outside to have a cigarette (LA baby) and we sat in the gutter, hoping that maybe we could dirty ourselves.

At its core, Crossroads is everything that is wrong with America. I believe strongly that the World Trade Centers were attacked not because of U.S. involvement in Israel or because as a nation we are the Great Satan. No, 3,000 people died in New York and Washington D.C. because of what this movie represents. I’m not trying to be funny or make light of a tragedy. Crossroads is that banal, that ignoble. Never think for a second that Crossroads is entertainment. Rather, it is nothing more than thinly veiled marketing, politics and propaganda.

First of all, Britney Spears is a whore. I am calling her a whore not for her complete lack of acting ability nor for her despicable singing career, though the appellation would not be misplaced if I were to do so. Britney Spears is a whore in Crossroads because whores get paid money to do sexual favors for men. Blurring the line between pedophilia and setting the woman’s movement backwards twenty years, Britney spends one of the opening scenes of the movie in her bra and panties dancing around her room while singing a Madonna song. She’s playing a high school girl. It is the video MTV executives have been dreaming about since day one.

Which would be fine with me if the point of the movie was only to titillate. [See Bring It On] However, running through the entire film is an abstinence message!!! Look, if you want to wait for the “right guy” or whatever other bullshit excuse they are foisting on children these days, fine. Don’t fuck. Wait for your pussy juice to age like wine. I don’t care. But, don’t star in a movie dressed in the latest from Victoria’s Secret and tell young girls not to fuck. Because not only do you look like a whore, but it makes you a fucking hypocrite as well. I’m talking to you, Britney Spears.

guess stuff happens in the movie. I just couldn’t get past the fact that the morality message being pushed was so fucked up. Things like; there being no shame and nothing wrong if you are seventeen and pregnant as long as you got raped. It’s totally cool. Plus, if you are pregnant and seventeen, don’t even talk about the possibility of getting an abortion, because you’re going to have a miscarriage anyway. Oh, and if you track down the guy who raped you, make sure and call him a jerk. Don’t call the police or anything, but make sure and let him know that you really didn’t like being raped. Uh uh, not cool. One more thing, if your total lack of intelligence hampers your plans and your dreams, flash your tits and cock-tease men, because that way you will get everything you want.

It takes a special movie to infuriate both Gloria Steinem and Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Crossroads does both with ease. Oh, and it fucking sucked, too.

Ruthless Ratings

  • Overall: 0
  • Direction: 1. I guess they had their shoes tied.
  • Acting: 0
  • Story: 0
  • DVD Extras: If you rent or buy Crossroads may Al Qaeda kill you
  • Re-watchability: I dare anyone to watch Crossroads twice.

Special Ruthless Ratings:

  • Number of times you couldn’t believe that the ecstasy you took was over-powered by the crapulence of Crossroads: 38
  • Number of times you thought Britney’s nose was as wide as your ankle: 17
  • Number of times that you became physically upset at the sight of Taryn Manning: 23
  • Number of times you felt awful for all the parents who got dragged to see Crossroads by their fat, belly shirt and tight jeans wearing 12 year old daughters: 59
  • Number of times Crossroads made you think that as a nation and a people we are doomed: 46
  • Number of times Crossroads made you think that maybe bin Laden has a point: 3
  • Number of times since you saw Crossroads that you have dreamed of beating Taryn Manning to death: 17
  • Number of times The Award Winning Pornographer chastised you for going to see Crossroads: 11

For more crap on Taryn Manning, see this review