I first watched this monstrosity a few years ago when it hit theaters for all of two days. I have since watched it on cable and am now compelled to write about one of my worst ever cinematic experiences. When philosophers speak about the death of hope, they no doubt had this film in mind. Not only was it directed by the supremely untalented Garry Marshall, it stars Juliette Lewis as the most self-involved retard in cinema history. And did I mention that Diane Keaton (slumming as never before) appears as her equally insufferable mother? But I digress. This is a film that commits the ultimate sin: it tries to make retards cute, loveable, and normal, and I just won’t stand for that. Not for one moment.
As we begin, Lewis is returning home after being away in some warehouse where they store the unfortunate, the despised, and the irrelevant. For some reason known only to the screenwriter, she is set free to wreak havoc on the non-I.Q. impaired public, where she goes back to school (hey, it’s community college, so it’s not too much of a leap of faith to believe a retard could get in), seeks employment, and falls in love with the one person who wouldn’t want to disembowel her over the course of an evening – a fellow retard who has a fetish for marching band music. Don’t ask.
Hold on there, you might say, do the retards have sex? Do they plan a wedding? Yes on both counts, although they refrain from showing the actual vomit-inducing sexual encounter except for the initial fumbling, drooling, and Juliette’s ridiculous granny panties (you may shiver with disgust now). Juliette’s sister is getting married in the film as well, although you wouldn’t know it. Lewis interrupts her sister’s big day at every opportunity, throws a predictable tantrum when the world won’t endorse her perversity, and has the audacity to suggest that she can live as an independent woman with her new husband (with mommy and daddy sending monthly checks, of course, because no business worth its salt would hire this unskilled twit).
So please, invite a few friends over, break out the hard, hard drugs to dull the pain, and watch a film that might have gotten away from you during its brief theatrical run. It will improve your self-image regardless of your personal circumstances, and you can stew in your blind rage as you wonder what the Supreme Court might have been thinking when it declared that executing the mentally retarded was somehow un-Constitutional.
- Number of actual retards featured in the film: 0
- Number of actual retards behind the camera who have a sister named Penny: 1
- Number of simulated sex scenes between retards: 1
- Number of months it will take to remove the disturbing images from your mind after contemplating sex between retards: 8
- Number of Oscar winning actresses featured in this film: 1
- Number of times that actress mumbled under her breath, “What the fuck am I doing in this god-awful bullshit?”: 112