Comfortable and Furious

Schultz’s Guide to Enjoying San Francisco

And if Schultz is driving the taxi, get out!

Steven Schutlz: International man of…

Enjoying San Fran is pretty simple. Just get out of the city.

If the weather is good, Ocean Beach fucking kicks ass. Make sure and bring a jacket no matter how hot it is. Wind picks up suddenly and cuts to the bone is why. Also, north of the G.G. Bridge there’s Marin headlands– just insane good hiking there, and north of THAT is Muir Woods, which has kick-ass fucking redwoods and shit. All day hiking is what that is. In the city, the trail which runs from CLIFFHOUSE to the PALACE OF LEGION OF HONOR gives you an excellent view of the bay and the bridge.

Other than hiking, there is eating. HAIGHT STREET: Balazo and Zona Rosa. MISSION: Taqueria Cancun (mission and 18th) and EL FAROLITO (mission and 24th) Record stores: AQUARIUS, on Valancia and like 21st or something. Fucking awesome Indian food is INDIA CLAY OVEN IN the Richmond district … like fuck I forget where. Use a phone book, jerk. Also, in the Haight district there’s a medical school where you can go to the library and look up pictures of diseases for free.

Other than food and nature there is nothing. No cool people or culture. Avoid North Beach. Avoid the new library. The Castro is no longer gay. Don’t bother. Avoid all bars and nightclubs. Especially avoid live music. Avoid the tourist traps and Euro-trash hangouts in the marina and that shitty place south of fucking the Presidio.

On the other hand, walking down Market Street for an hour is pretty fun because you get an amazing mix of businessmen, homeless people, ‘the end is nigh’ wingnuts, clueless tourists, and drug dealers and punks.

If you see a meter-maid, yell ‘get a job, fucknuts!’ and then make a ‘jerking off’ motion with your hand and crotch when they look up. What? You don’t have a car, you’re a tourist. What are they going to do? Ticket your CABLE CAR??

Haight Street is unbelievably embarrassing. but there are good burritos there so you kind of have to go once in a while.

Golden Gate Park can be awesome. Sunday is rollerblade disco day. Walking around the man-made island in the middle of the park is excellent. The botanical garden is free and should not be trifled with, particularly the section with all the succulents. A free day at the zoo is a great place to see entire families of ghetto people from the projects and shit.

And everywhere you go you’ll see white yuppie dudes with their trophy Asian girlfriends. They outnumber Asian guys with white girls like by 12 to one. Generally, you’ll see at least 2 of this kind of couples per block. Just try not to notice it, i dare you. You should carry a stack of laminated badges and hand them out to these couples while saying with a smile, ‘congratulations! You’re the 100th white guy Asian girl couple of the day!’ and give them each a quarter and a swat on the ass. They like that because it makes them feel special.

Speaking of Asians, Chinatown is actually pretty fun. ‘Little Italy’ is bogus. Avoid. MOMA Museum can be good or bad depending on what is showing. Generally, it’s a rip. Go to PALACE OF LEGION OF HONOR and fuck with that shit instead. The architecture is spectacular and the medieval pictures are fucking hilarious and it has a very particular smell and is sometimes free also. Also: make sure to yell ‘GET A CAR, FAG!!!’ anytime you see a bike messenger. This is good fun because they are 5 minutes behind on their delivery and can’t stop to kick your ass.

Hope this helps,