Minions: The Rise of Gru

Film Title

Minions: The Rise of Gru

Synopsis

Actual thoughts from my actual child



Cast

Steve Carell
Alan Arkin
Pierre Coffin
Julie Andrews
Michelle Yeoh
Jean-Claud Van Damme
Dolph Ludgren
Danny Trejo

Actual thoughts from my actual child. What number is this movie for minions? Uhhh…I don’t really remember. I don’t either. What’s this one called? It’s called…Minions: The Rise of Gru. Is Gru an adult or a kid in this one? He’s a kid. Is it like a Darth Vader, Anakin thing? [laughs] Uh, sure. Tell […]

Devilish Dwarves

There’s a famous old Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sketch in which a one-legged actor auditions for Tarzan. The casting agent can’t believe what he’s being confronted with (“I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you”) while the disabled actor remains oblivious to his chances of snagging the athletic role. […]

Falling Down: the ‘Alternate point-of-view’

It’s a rampage! Hard-workin’ man wake up and don’t have a say. Single-mom minorities destroyin’ what his daddy made. Bitches thinkin’ they can do his job, And why? Because he didn’t stop it the very first day. I’m done watching my ship sink into the sea, If no one’s gonna bail, it has to be […]

Hereditary

Film Title

Hereditary

Synopsis

A grieving family is haunted by some very disturbing events

Director

Ari Aster

Cast

Toni Collette
Milly Shapiro
Gabriel Byrne
Christy Summerhayx
Alex Wolff
Jake Brown

Approaching Hereditary, one was confronted with one of two realizations, seldom avoiding both: the hype and applause hurled first-time director Ari Aster’s way and Toni Collette’s defining performance. The first time I saw it, I knew I could be making a mistake watching it alongside two philistine family members, and I wasn’t wrong. For them, […]

Fucked-Up Films #9: Death Wish II (1982)

Film Title

Death Wish II

Synopsis

Chuck loses in love but wins at carnage. Thank God.

Director

Michael Winner

Cast

Charles Bronson
Jill Ireland
Vincent Gardenia
Robin Sherwood
Ben Frank

What are these sick bastards doing? Sending civilization to hell in a handcart. Luckily, one man has the answer. And it isn’t rehabilitation or any other namby-pamby shit. How skuzzy are the men? Our obnoxious five-strong street gang is happy to sit around at fairgrounds scoping potential victims. Apart from having names like Stomper and […]

Bloody Sam says “Hi”.

Dying before he was sixty seemed like a fitting final action for the maverick film-maker Sam Peckinpah. Better to burn out than fade away and all that. For whenever Sam was in town the rage-filled stories of excess flew thick and fast, tales that included wild on-set bust-ups, legendary alcohol and coke consumption, budget blowouts, […]

Crimes Of The Future

Film Title

Crimes Of The Future

Synopsis

In the future, humans are trying to adapt to an ever-changing environment

Director

David Cronenberg

Cast

Viggo Mortensen
Lea Seydoux
Kristen Stewart
Don McKellar
Dierdre Brown

1 hour 45 minutes, Rated R for autopsies, surgeries, weird groping of internal organs Fair Value of Crimes of the Future: $8.00. It sounds strange to call this the most essential and the most inessential of David Cronenberg’s films, but here goes it is the best Cronenburg primer, the best introduction to ‘here are the […]

Lightyear

Film Title

Lightyear

Synopsis

While attempting to return home, Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear encounters an army of fuel-stealing robots

Director

Angus Maclane

Cast

Chris Evans
Keke Palmer
Taika Waititi
Peter Sohn
James Brolin

“Lightyear” – That’s why Andy wanted a Buzz Lightyear doll? As I usually do for animated flicks, I interviewed my now ten-year old son to talk about the movie. In hindsight, I definitely should have done this before he played in a three-day baseball tournament and forgot half the movie. Stick around at the end […]

Starring debuts #20: Lorraine Stanley in London to Brighton (2006)

Film Title

London to Brighton

Synopsis

“Nice isn’t it? To see a bit of color.”

Director

Paul Andrew Williams

Cast

Lorraine Stanley
Georgia Groome
Johnny Harris
Sam Spruell
Alexander Morton

“Nice isn’t it? To see a bit of color.” So says Kelly (Stanley) as she looks at the green fields through a train window on the way from London to the seaside. It’s a banal observation and yet so telling. There is no color in Kelly’s life. No joy, no hope, no normality. Every day […]

Macho Idiots

There’s a terrific scene in The Terminator when Arnie strides into a nightclub looking for Sarah Connor. A bouncer tries to stop him by slapping a hand on his shoulder, but our futuristic hit man doesn’t even bother looking around. Instead, he grabs the offending limb and gives the fool a taste of his cybernetic […]