About Dave Franklin

Dismayed by the state of post-2000 cinema, Dave Franklin hasn't visited a movie house in more than a decade. He can usually be found in a dingy room dressed up as Marilyn Monroe, pining for the lost days of 70's cinema. Saying that, he will visit you for an appropriate fee to read excruciating excerpts from his novels.

Devilish Dwarves

There’s a famous old Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sketch in which a one-legged actor auditions for Tarzan. The casting agent can’t believe what he’s being confronted with (“I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you”) while the disabled actor remains oblivious to his chances of snagging the athletic role. […]

Fucked-Up Films #9: Death Wish II (1982)

Film Title

Death Wish II

Synopsis

Chuck loses in love but wins at carnage. Thank God.

Director

Michael Winner

Cast

Charles Bronson
Jill Ireland
Vincent Gardenia
Robin Sherwood
Ben Frank

What are these sick bastards doing? Sending civilization to hell in a handcart. Luckily, one man has the answer. And it isn’t rehabilitation or any other namby-pamby shit. How skuzzy are the men? Our obnoxious five-strong street gang is happy to sit around at fairgrounds scoping potential victims. Apart from having names like Stomper and […]

Bloody Sam says “Hi”.

Dying before he was sixty seemed like a fitting final action for the maverick film-maker Sam Peckinpah. Better to burn out than fade away and all that. For whenever Sam was in town the rage-filled stories of excess flew thick and fast, tales that included wild on-set bust-ups, legendary alcohol and coke consumption, budget blowouts, […]

Starring debuts #20: Lorraine Stanley in London to Brighton (2006)

Film Title

London to Brighton

Synopsis

“Nice isn’t it? To see a bit of color.”

Director

Paul Andrew Williams

Cast

Lorraine Stanley
Georgia Groome
Johnny Harris
Sam Spruell
Alexander Morton

“Nice isn’t it? To see a bit of color.” So says Kelly (Stanley) as she looks at the green fields through a train window on the way from London to the seaside. It’s a banal observation and yet so telling. There is no color in Kelly’s life. No joy, no hope, no normality. Every day […]

Macho Idiots

There’s a terrific scene in The Terminator when Arnie strides into a nightclub looking for Sarah Connor. A bouncer tries to stop him by slapping a hand on his shoulder, but our futuristic hit man doesn’t even bother looking around. Instead, he grabs the offending limb and gives the fool a taste of his cybernetic […]

My brain…? It’s my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen is a prolific artist who’s been making roughly a film a year since the late sixties. His timid yet talkative onscreen persona (simultaneously intellectual and stupid, riddled with self-doubt and wrapped up in his weedy, balding, bespectacled frame) surely places him among the most distinctive film stars of all time. It’s a double-edged […]

Blast Of Cannon: Part 2

Lifeforce (1985) Horror director Tobe Hooper made three flicks with Cannon in rapid succession, but the relationship only further sullied his artistic reputation. Together they coughed up the derided remake Invaders from Mars, a comedic sequel to his blistering Texas Chainsaw, and the box office bomb Lifeforce. Still, at least this sci-fi flick has reached […]

Blast of Cannon: Part 1

You’ve probably heard of MGM and United Artists, but what about the very lovely Cannon Films? It was a studio that took on the Hollywood big boys in the 1980s. For a glorious, plate-spinning few years it became the world’s largest independent movie production company, cranking out up to six low-budget pictures a month. How […]

Fucked-Up Films #6: Romper Stomper (1992)

Film Title

Romper Stomper

Synopsis

Heil Crowe!

Director

Geoffrey Wright

Cast

Russell Crowe
Daniel Pollock
Jacqueline McKenzie
Alex Scott

What are these sick bastards doing? Worshipping the Third Reich, threatening to chop people’s legs off with an ax, mourning decapitated mothers, and terrorizing the Vietnamese in a Melbournian suburb. Is the villain any good? The heavily tattooed, permanently unshaven Hando (Crowe) is a neo-Nazi so committed to white supremacy that he attacks a Jap-made […]

Starring debuts #18: Mark Hamill & Harrison Ford in Star Wars (1977)

Film Title

Star Wars

Synopsis

Cinema changes forever

Director

George Lucas

Cast

Mark Hamill
Harrison Ford
Carrie Fisher
Peter Cushing
Alec Guinness

Star Wars remains the dog’s bollocks, a bona fide pop culture phenomenon, and an astonishing exercise in world-building with its fucking cool light sabers, eye-melting hyperspace travel, hokey Jedi mind tricks, planet annihilation, and lovable stormtroopers, none of whom are capable of hitting a cow’s ass with a banjo. Only a retard can fail to […]