Comfortable and Furious


A three hour cruise, a three hour cruise…

What’s the story?

A research team, at the behest of a major pharmaceutical company, travels to Borneo to secure the legendary “Blood Orchid,” a flower that magically prolongs cellular life, enabling people to remain forever young. Along the way, most of them are devoured by 50-foot snakes.

How many screenwriters were needed for this?

Four. An additional three were required for the story idea. And to think, Robert Towne crafted Chinatown all by his lonesome.

Why the rush to get this mysterious flower?

According to sources, it blooms for only six months every seven years. Needless to say, only weeks remain when our heroic team is dispatched to the jungle.

Let me guess…They have difficulty securing a boat, right?

Well, it is the rainy season after all. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s some ripped hunk, unshaven and hard as nails, who would be willing to take the team upriver for $50,000. As they encounter more difficulties, he adds $25,000 to the total.

Tell me more about this boat…A piece of junk, eh?

Named “The Bloody Mary,” the vessel is barely seaworthy, looks like it may sink at any time, and elicits numerous comments about its appearance from the skeptical passengers.

What about these scientists? A typically diverse lot?

Let’s see — The Computer Geek, The Sassy Black Dude, The No-Nonsense Bitch, and The Hottie With a Brain.

And that captain…A truly orginal creation?

And how. He’s feisty, insanely masculine (he even wrestles — and kills — a crocodile), and an expert on the local dangers. He shaves with a knife, has a pet monkey named Kong, and yes, has “a past.” What sort of past, you ask? Turns out he was once in the Special Forces where, in his words, he “did things.” While reluctant to talk about his pain, let it be known that “people died.”

Surely they don’t reach the Blood Orchid unscathed?

Good call. The boat sails over the falls and is lost, the group swims to shore and wanders into the jungle, and one by one, people are eaten. As people die, there’s that one guy who insists on fulfilling the mission, even though the others just want to reach safety. Finally, we have a bad guy!

How do we know he’s a bad guy?

He places financial reward above human life. That, and he’s the only one with an accent.

Any hint of rescue?

The captain knows a guy who patrols the river. Fortunately, a cell phone has survived the boat accident and gets reception and the man is called. As expected, he’s a grizzled old salt who prefers the bottle to any of life’s rewards. Before he can reach the group, however, he’s devoured by an anaconda and his boat inexplicably explodes.

Any memorable lines along the way?

As the group begins their hike, the Computer Geek — also filling the bill as “Black Guy Comic Relief” — utters the classic, “I’ll die of heat stroke, but I’ll have a nice tight ass.” With this, he takes on a third role: “Complaining Gay Guy.” Then there’s this exchange between the two black dudes:

“I’m so hungry, I’d sell my grandmother for a Tic-Tac.”
“You mention food one more time, I’m voting you off the island.” [Ed Note: Vomit]

Other than that, I only recall the Boss roaring at his team, “Get your asses down to Borneo!”

Call me cynical, but do we only see the snakes at night because the computer graphics are so laughable?

No one’s talking, but you might be on to something there. And you forgot to mention that the snakes only appear when it’s raining buckets.

Do we ever learn why the anacondas are so damned big?

It’s just a hypothesis, but one character believes that because these snakes continue growing until they die, they must be eating the Blood Orchids, which allow them to live even longer (and grow even larger).

Anything else we should know about the Bad Foreigner Guy?

He kills Morris Chestnut with a spider (the bite causes paralysis, which leaves him vulnerable to a snake), steals a raft, and leaves the team to die. He finds the location of the Blood Orchids, and prepares to stuff them in his knapsack. The team arrives just in time, but the bad guy shoots the captain and forces the hottie to climb on a log and pick the flowers. That same log hangs over a massive pit of breeding snakes. Things happen, of course, and before you know it, there’s a fight between the captain and the bad guy. The bad guy tries to escape with his flowers, but forgot that he left his spider in the knapsack, so it bites him and he falls into the pit of snakes. Yes, yes, FOUR screenwriters.

Hold on now, are the snakes forever vanquished?

The Geek/Comic Relief/Gay Guy saves the day by aiming a flare gun into the mouth of a snake, who also happens to be covered in gasoline. The flare ignites the snake, which falls back into the pit and sets all the others snakes on fire. A mudslide follows, and all the snakes are destroyed. Of course, the Blood Orchids were buried with the snakes, which is just as well because you shouldn’t fuck with nature, dude.

Is it left open for another sequel?

As the hunky captain survives, there is a chance. After all, he must avenge the death of his first mate, that mystical Asian dude who didn’t say much, but looked sufficiently masculine. The Laws of Homoeroticism demand it.

Any surprises?

The captain wasn’t related to Jon Voight’s character from the first film. And where were the tits? Other than the captain’s.